April chit chat

Joanna wrote:

Lakin460 wrote:Joanna, that vid of the funny prayer was precious and refreshing! That lady is funny! Thanks for sharing.

Not my post...credit goes to playfuldeb

Gee, and I'm not even drinking! Sorry, playfuldeb! And thanks to you!

Just got these from a mate.


WHAT A CHOICE

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.
As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say, "Supersex."
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair.
Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered,
"I'll take the soup."

___________________________________________
OLD FRIENDS

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.
Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked
at the other and said,
"Now don't get mad at me.
I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't
think of your name!
I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it.
Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her.
For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said,
"How soon do you need to know?"

_____________________________________________
SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car.
It's hundreds of them!"

______________________________________________
DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see over the dashboard.
As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.
The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself
"I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection
and the light was red again.
Again, they went right through.
The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it!
She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red
and they went on through.
So, she turned to the other woman and said,
"Mildred, do you know that we just ran through three red lights
in a row?
You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said,
"Damn, am I driving?"

____________________________________


An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into.

She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal
and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The dispatcher say, "Stay calm, Maam, an officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radios in.
"Disregard.", He says.
"She got in the back-seat by mistake."

ROFL on the jokes Jo.!

giggle, giggle, snort, snort!!! too funny girls!!!!!

SO funny, thanks ladies for the entertainment after a real busy day - what a treat

7 Reasons Not To Mess With Children

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.

The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'

The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.



A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was..

The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'




The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'

From the back, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'

Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'



I love this one!

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it and I would turn red in the face.'

'Yes,' the class said.

'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'

A little fellow shouted,'Cause your feet ain't empty.'


I LIKE THE NEXT ONE IN PARTICULAR

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note and posted on the apple tray:

'Take only ONE. God is watching.'

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples..'


It doesn't matter how many people you send this to, just remember if it made you laugh, your friends will laugh too…

They Walk Among Us!
----------------------------
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house.
To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a Sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.' For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice.
He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal. So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.' The next day someone stole it!
They walk amongst us!
-------------------------------------
One day I was walking down the beach with
Some friends when someone shouted.....
'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'



They walk among us!
----------------------------------------------------------
While looking at a house, my brother asked the
Estate agent which direction was north because
He didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' My brother explained that the sun rises in the east and has for sometime. She shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff......'
They Walk Among Us!
--------------------------------------------
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard an admin girl talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but said she 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'.
They Walk Among Us!
------------------------------------
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car which is designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car trunk.
They Walk Among Us!
-------------------------------------------------
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss. The woman there smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and said I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'...
(I work with professionals like this.)
They Walk Among Us!
------------------------------------------------
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man
ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.
They Walk Among Us!




Dumb as Rocks!!!
TRUE STORY:
A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease. 'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?' 'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track..' 'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi. Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'' Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.'


Sadly, they write legislation in Washington DC!


Traffic Camera:
A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though heknew that he was not speeding... Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic cameraagain flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result.. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace... Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt..

You just can't fix stupid.

OMG patty - these jokes are so funny. Thanks for my morning laugh!

"They walk among" us indeed pattygirl, very funny.
I like the seatbelt one !

all great jokes to wake up a tired soul!

loved the funnies - thanks!

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine...
And those who don't and are always
seen with a bottle of water in their hand.

As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials,
Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink
1 litre of water each day,
At the end of the year we would have absorbed
More than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli,

(E. Coli) - bacteria
Found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop..

However,
We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer
(or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor)
Because alcohol has to go through a purification process
Of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting...

Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health.
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
Than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this information

Lmao, love the jokes Pattygirl!

Thanks for the jokes and the wisdom patty. Then I may have the wisdom of Socrates with drinking wine every evening. No, on second thought, I don't think so.

Oh pattygirl! Loved this profound expose of water vs. wine! I think I'll celebrate and open me a bottle now!

AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR 44 YEARS, I TOOK A
CAREFUL LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID,
"Darling, 44 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT,
A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHED
A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT TO SLEEP
EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GIRL.
NOW I HAVE A $500,000.00 HOME, A $45,000.00 CAR,
NICE BIG BED AND PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING
WITH A 65-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT
YOU'RE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS."


MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN. SHE TOLD
ME TO GO OUT AND FIND A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GAL,
AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE
AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING
A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING
A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.


AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT? THEY REALLY KNOW
HOW TO SOLVE YOUR MID-LIFE CRISIS.

Re water...

W C Fields said "I don't drink water because fish fuck in it "

silly girl wrote:AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR 44 YEARS, I TOOK A
CAREFUL LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID,
"Darling, 44 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT,
A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHED
A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT TO SLEEP
EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GIRL.
NOW I HAVE A $500,000.00 HOME, A $45,000.00 CAR,
NICE BIG BED AND PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING
WITH A 65-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT
YOU'RE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS."


MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN. SHE TOLD
ME TO GO OUT AND FIND A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GAL,
AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE
AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING
A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING
A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.


AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT? THEY REALLY KNOW
HOW TO SOLVE YOUR MID-LIFE CRISIS.

Ah ah ! The older, the tougher the woman gets ! good for us

Joanna, where's your new avatar from ? don't remember ever seing him with that white scarf, but it does look good!

Love that one, silly girl.

Nice avatar, Joanna.

Hubby has the brilliant idea of going for a ride on the motorcycle today. It's supposed to be 90! Good times. lol

The Grandmother of all Blond Jokes:

This blond decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these Blond jokes and how all blonds are perceived as stupid.

So, she decides to show her husband that blonds really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the foor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy Parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks Her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blond women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting in the house. He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She Replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said...

(You'll love this...)
(I know you will...)
.
.
“FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS

Ok that is a new one for me....snort worthy...thanks Cindi....

Ok that is a new one for me....snort worthy...thanks Cindi....

Here is a Granny Gazonga video:

http://www.flowgo.com/funny/1279_groovin-grannys-swingin-boobies.html?page_id=95452&email=merrymac62%40yahoo.com

Redneck Love

Susie Lee done fell in love;
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy ’bout it all
She told her Pappy so.

Pappy told her, “Susie gal,
You’ll have to find another.
I’d just as soon yo’ Ma don’t know,
But Joe is yo’ half brother.”

So Susie put aside her Joe
And planned to marry Will.
But after telling Pappy this,
He said, “There’s trouble still...

You cain’t marry Will, my gal,
And please don’t tell your Mother,
But Will and Joe and several mo’
I know is yo’ half brother.”

But Mama knew and said, “My child,
Just do what makes you happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe,
You ain’t no kin to Pappy!”

Cindigirl, loved that blonde joke. lol

We rode over 200 miles on the motorcycle yesterday. I was smart enough to put on sunscreen but didn't have lip balm with sunscreen. So today my lips are a lovely shade of pink/red. It looks like I have lipstick on. I hit my lower lip with my straw and Holy Hell, Batman they are sore. Guess I win Dork of the Day!

We were exhausted but when we got home, we barely were able to grab a bite to eat before my daughter made us get the pony out so she can ride. I looked up and she's riding the pony with nothing but a thin blanket thrown across her and the halter. The pony is 20something years old and she would take a few steps, stop to eat and so on...she was much less excited about a ride. LoL

We took the cover off the pool this weekend and it's so nice to look out and see water again instead of the ugly winter cover. As hot as its been lately, we'll be in it soon!

MM - that video was hilarious!

Joanna - love your sense of humor. Bad pappy. LOL

MyGirl - I'm so envious of the heat - That's it, i'm moving down south.

Come on down Cindigirl. The pool should be ready in a few days.

Joanna wrote:Redneck Love

Susie Lee done fell in love;
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy ’bout it all
She told her Pappy so.

Pappy told her, “Susie gal,
You’ll have to find another.
I’d just as soon yo’ Ma don’t know,
But Joe is yo’ half brother.”

So Susie put aside her Joe
And planned to marry Will.
But after telling Pappy this,
He said, “There’s trouble still...

You cain’t marry Will, my gal,
And please don’t tell your Mother,
But Will and Joe and several mo’
I know is yo’ half brother.”

But Mama knew and said, “My child,
Just do what makes you happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe,
You ain’t no kin to Pappy!”

Pattygirl! thanks God for you

and your jokes!

OK, when the "proverbial shit" hits the fan it really hits hard. In the past few days my tv went blooey, my organ broke (no, not that one), my kitchen stove broke, my fishtank motor went, lost my cellphone service and - oh my God, my coffeepot broke. I'm in hell.

I know what I did wrong. I mentioned out loud that I had some extra money coming in and my appliances somehow heard me. LOL

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

ROFL Maggy and UCK!

Right , I couldn't stop laughing when I read it.

Oh Cindigirl, NOT the coffeemaker, too!!! I have two - one for backup. Hang in there, dear. Thank God your computer is working and you can still talk to us!

Maggy - ROFL! Good joke! That's a keeper!

Lakin, I have a backup coffeemaker, a Sunbeam, not fancy like the one I had but I'm grateful for that.

And I won't mention anything around my computer, because certainly that will be next. LOL

Yes, computers have especially good hearing....

I thought I was the only one Cindigirl. Our fridge died, my desktop computer, the can opener and something else that I can't remember at the moment. The sad part is that none of it was that old. Stupid appliances.

ROTFL at the joke Maggy.

So MyGirl it's a conspiracy. Appliances can be very vengeful. Let's just say nice things to the ones we have left. LOL

Is it Bee's Revenge cindi ?

cindigirl wrote:So MyGirl it's a conspiracy. Appliances can be very vengeful. Let's just say nice things to the ones we have left. LOL

LOL, let's hope our BOBs don't go down the same road as the others.

How are all your poorly thingies today girls ?

The Saga of Cindi's Organ

Cindi's organ quit working so she called in a repairman.

Since she had to go out the next day, she told the repairman,

‘I’ll leave the key under the mat.
Fix my organ, leave the bill on
the work top, and I’ll send you a cheque.

Oh, by the way don’t worry about my dog
Spike. He won’t bother you.
But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances,
talk to my parrot!

I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!

When the repairman arrived at the apartment the following day,
he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen.

But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work on Cindi's organ.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time
with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.

Finally the repairman couldn’t contain himself
any longer and yelled...

‘Shut up, you stupid, fucking ugly bird!’

To which the parrot replied, ‘Get him, Spike!’

See – Men just don’t listen.

Lakin460 wrote:Yes, computers have especially good hearing....

LOOOL!