April chit chat

Cindi - your bee story remonded me of something that happened many years ago to me. I had a brand new Z28 camaro back in the day, 4 months new, and while I was in church, a squirrel crawled up under the hood and made a nest in the engine compartment of the car, using the eletrical wires and leaves for nesting materials. My entire car had to be re-wired.

A pregnant woman with her first child, paid a visit to her obstetrician's office.

After the exam, she shyly said, "My husband wants me
to ask you...",
to which the doctor replies "I know...I know..."
placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder.

"I get asked that all the time.
Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."

"No, that's not it," the woman confessed.

"He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

Sometimes we have trouble with our computers.

I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and
asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him,
So, what was wrong?
He replied, it was an ID ten T error.

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,
An ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.

Eric grinned ... Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before? No, I replied.
Write it down, he said, and I think you'll figure it out.
So I wrote down: ID10T.

I used to like Eric, the little poop!

MAXINE HAS A FEW QUESTIONS FOR YOU

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
WHY ISN'T THE NUMBER 11 PRONOUNCED ONETY-ONE?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
IF 4 OUT OF 5 PEOPLE SUFFER FROM DIARRHEA...
DOES THAT MEAN THAT ONE OUT OF FIVE ENJOYS IT?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*
WHY DO CROUTONS COME IN AIRTIGHT PACKAGES?
AREN'T THEY JUST STALE BREAD TO BEGIN WITH?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
IF PEOPLE FROM POLAND ARE CALLED POLES,
THEN WHY AREN'T PEOPLE FROM HOLLAND CALLED HOLES?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
IF A PIG LOSES ITS VOICE, IS IT DISGRUNTLED?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
WHY IS A PERSON WHO PLAYS THE PIANO CALLED A PIANIST,
BUT A PERSON WHO DRIVES A RACE CAR IS NOT CALLED A RACIST?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
IF IT'S TRUE THAT WE ARE HERE TO HELP OTHERS,
THEN WHAT EXACTLY ARE THE OTHERS HERE FOR?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
IF FED EX AND UPS WERE TO MERGE, WOULD THEY CALL IT FED UP? ?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
DO LIPTON TEA EMPLOYEES TAKE 'COFFEE BREAKS?'

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
WHAT HAIR COLOR DO THEY PUT ON THE DRIVER'S LICENSES OF BALD MEN?
(I HAVE WONDERED THIS FOR YEARS!!!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I THOUGHT ABOUT HOW MOTHERS FEED THEIR
BABIES WITH TINY LITTLE SPOONS AND FORKS,
SO I WONDERED WHAT DO CHINESE MOTHERS USE. TOOTHPICKS?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
WHY DO THEY PUT PICTURES OF CRIMINALS UP IN THE POST OFFICE?
WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO, WRITE TO THEM?

WHY DON'T THEY JUST PUT THEIR PICTURES ON THE POSTAGE STAMPS
SO THE MAILMEN CAN LOOK FOR THEM WHILE THEY DELIVER THE MAIL?
– NOT A BAD IDEA!

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
IS IT TRUE THAT YOU NEVER REALLY LEARN
TO SWEAR UNTIL YOU LEARN TO DRIVE?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
IF A COW LAUGHED, WOULD MILK COME OUT OF HER NOSE?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO PREPARATIONS A THROUGH G?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
AT INCOME TAX TIME, DID YOU EVER NOTICE:
WHEN YOU PUT THE TWO WORDS 'THE ' AND 'IRS' TOGETHER, IT SPELLS
'THEIRS'?

I don't know if this has been posted before. If so, sorry -

Circumcised

A teacher noticed that a little boy at
the back of the class was squirming
around, scratching his crotch, and not
paying attention. She went back to find
out what was going on. He was quite
embarrassed and whispered that he had just
recently been circumcised and he was quite
itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the
principal's office. He was to telephone
his mother and ask her what he should
do about it. He did it and returned to
his class. Suddenly, there was a
commotion at the back of the room She went back
to investigate only to find him sitting at his
desk with his penis hanging
out.
'I thought I told you to call your
mom!' she said. 'I did,' he said, 'And
she told me that if I could stick it
out till noon, she'd come and pick me
up from school.'

Good ones Lakin.

Tell Maxine I've sent the answers on a postcard to her !

Thanks for the jokes Joanna and Lakin. Gave me a lot of laughs over my morning cup of coffee.

Top 10 Most Famous Sex Quotes

Below you’ll find the top 10 favorite sex quotes of all time, spoken by famous people you might (or might not) have expected to say ‘em. Here they are, in no particular order.

“You know ‘that look’ women get when they want sex? Me neither.” ~ Steve Martin

“My girlfriend always laughs during sex, no matter what she’s reading.” ~ Steve Jobs

“Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.” ~ Camille Paglia

“Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.” ~ Woody Allen

“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.” ~ Billy Crystal

“I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.” ~ Tom Clancy

“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.” ~ Rod Stewart

“Ah yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.” ~ Robin Williams

“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.” ~ Robin Williams

"Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly." ~ Mae West

ROFL Lakin.

PS....

The fact is I am not having sex. But I feel absolutely ripe for the, what would you say? plucking?
Angelina Jolie

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/sex_2.html#P0QQM9ybIwgqHJpx.99

Oh look....I've had my orders from the PR Boss !

Bye for now....

?? YES.....I won't forget !


Joanna
Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to Clooney I go!

oh! thanks Jo!!!

Funny video about an English Mastiff who is afraid of water.

Hey, cindi, just thought of something. We had a very large beehive that grew overnight, sort of. It was right next to the front walk to the house in a tree. Professional my husband contacted told him the wait till evening (dark) and then take a large plastic bag, and drape it over the hive. When it's dark, the bees are dormant. Your trunk is naturally dark so they're probably quiet, and if you wait until dark you shouldn't have too much trouble. I'm sure you'll have a "man" do the dirty deed (I know I would), but the nighttime is still the best time.

Hi patty - thanks for that, but the beehive and the bee fell into my car trunk and were so small that I can't locate either of them now. I tried today. I just know it's in there plotting revenge against me. LOL

Ah cindi...maybe give it some bread and jam and then collect it up with a large cloth, gently of course.

No, not gently. If I find it I'm going in for the kill.

EVEN IF YOU AREN'T BLOND
YOU HAVE TO LOVE THIS


Two blonds were sipping their Starbucks
when a truck
went past loaded up with rolls of sod.

"I'm going to do that when I win the lottery," announced Blond 1.

"Do what?" asked Blond 2.

"Send my lawn out to be mowed."

DIVORCE VS MURDER

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy,
walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes,
and said,"I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked,"Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed,
"Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband.
That's against the law! I'll lose my license!
They'll throw both of us in jail!
All kinds of bad things will happen.
Absolutely not!
You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out
a picture of her husband in bed
with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
"Well now, that's different.
You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

LOL First thing I read this morning with my coffee. Thanks, Jo, for the funnies.

There were a couple of old guys talking at the bar.
One of the men had been married for 66 years.

"Amazing. 66 years!" said his friend.
"What's the secret to such a long, happy marriage?"

"Well," he replied, "It's like this. The man makes all the big decisions...
and the woman just makes the little decisions."

"Really?" his friend responded.
"Does that really work?"

"Oh, yes," he said proudly.
"66 years, and so far, not one big decision!"

Thanks Jo for the jokes this morning. I even liked the blonde one!

It's a guy thing...

Shot my First Turkey Yesterday!

Scared the hell out of everyone in the frozen food section,
it was Awesome!

GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."

DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?" "No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms."

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."

BEING THANKFUL
A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?" The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"

SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. "Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer," said his mother. "I don't need to," the boy replied. "Of course, you do "his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house." "That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook.

LOL Thanks, Jo and cindigirl! A merry heart does good like a medicine!

Hi Lakin - here's something to look forward to when you retire. LOL

From the American Association Of Retired People

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done you'll have a place to live.

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60-plus year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these!"

SMILE, You've still got your sense of humor!

going to pass this on to my email buddies!

Thanks for all the funnies cindi

A laugh a day keeps the blues away

LOOL!

thanks all!

Something I've been thinking about asking all, what about combining all game threads? Any takers?Any comments?

Hi Everyone

Not sure where to post this so Katie feel free to move to another thread, still finding my way around the forum. Today I had an hour to kill for a change so decided to poke around some other boards. Gosh I wish I had never done that - there are seriously weird, I'm guessing disturbed people who post on some of these celeb sites. So heres my question, being that I'm not American, and dont understand the laws applicable. How can these people get away with posting defamatory and possibly slanderous comments? I know there is free speech but I'm wondering why some of these celeb sites (JJ's for instance) allow such shocking posts to remain there? Would appreciate if someone could clarify for me. Thanks xo

Dress Shop Burglary

"Sir, I understand you admit to having broken
into the dress shop four times," the judge said.

"Yes, Your Honor," the suspect replied.

"What did you steal?" the judge asked.

"I stole a dress, Your Honor," replied the suspect.

"One dress?" the judge bellowed.
"But you have admitted to breaking in four times!"

"Yes, Your Honor," sighed the suspect,
"but the first three times my wife
didn't like the color!"

Thanks Joanna, that was a good one.

@theminis....sadly there isn't much that can be done to people who post on boards except I think they could be monitored better by the host site. It isn't just on celebrity boards that stuff like that is written....news sites can be really bad too.

Oh a brighter note, although it isn't a cure, the procedure that my friend had done seemed to go well...while we are not sure if it will extend her life or cure her it will make her quality of life better. thanks for the prayers...

Glad to hear it, silly girl. Thanks for the updates! Blessings and peace to you both.

theminis wrote:Hi Everyone

Not sure where to post this so Katie feel free to move to another thread, still finding my way around the forum. Today I had an hour to kill for a change so decided to poke around some other boards. Gosh I wish I had never done that - there are seriously weird, I'm guessing disturbed people who post on some of these celeb sites. So heres my question, being that I'm not American, and dont understand the laws applicable. How can these people get away with posting defamatory and possibly slanderous comments? I know there is free speech but I'm wondering why some of these celeb sites (JJ's for instance) allow such shocking posts to remain there? Would appreciate if someone could clarify for me. Thanks xo

Oh don't go there again
You might catch something very debilitating.


Just out of interest...
Here in UK we've just had the first court case against a twitterer, libel I think CRS !

Also some men have been arrested for tweeting the name of a
recent female rape victim, as revenge for their male mate who's now in prison.
Female rape victims are allowed anonymity by the legal system.
It's their choice whether they go public or not.

Pleased to hear some positive news
about your friend sillygirl.
Some flowers for her....

Lmao @ the jokes. Thanks, ladies. I couldn't pick a fave if I had to.

Lakin, you are killing me with that avatar. The V shaped muscles on his lower abs are making me think naughty thoughts. I need a cold shower followed by an ice bath.

lucy wrote:Something I've been thinking about asking all, what about combining all game threads? Any takers?Any comments?

Oooh! I like. How would that work?

It's Friday !

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches,

"Can I help you Sir?"
"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr", the man replies.

The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasss on the end of thisshh key", the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.
He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are
exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch
and without missing a beat, blurts out....
"Holy shit! My girlfriend's gone, too!!

playfuldeb wrote:

maybe https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vPFCn3itBFE ?

the mismatch earrings... OH MY! rotfl...

I'm glad too sillygirl!!

Joanna, that vid of the funny prayer was precious and refreshing! That lady is funny! Thanks for sharing.

Just shows that us "old broads" have a sense of humor.

Thanks theminis and Joanna for the funny jokes. Good way to start my morning.

MGK !