General Chitchat for January 2012

Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were.

The first was an engineer who said his dog could draw.
His dog's name was "T-Square", and he told him to get some paper and draw a square, a circle and a triangle, which he did
with no sweat.

The accountant said he thought his dog, "Balance", could do better. He told him to fetch a dozen cookies and divide them into piles of three, which he did with no problem.

The chemist said that was a very good stunt, but that his dog, "Apothecary", could do better yet.
He told his dog to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces
into a ten ounce glass.
Apothecary did this without a hitch.

All three men agreed their dogs were equally smart.

They turned to the Civil Servant and asked him what his dog could do. The Civil Servant called his dog, whose name was
"Coffee Break", and said,
"Show the fellows what you can do, old buddy."

Coffee Break then strolled over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, s**t on the paper, screwed the other
three dogs and claimed he injured his back while doing so.

He then filed a grievance for unsafe conditions, applied for
Workers' Compensation, and left for home on sick leave.

hahahaha, I used to date him!!!!

A big dog mel ?

NOW I'm worried about you big time !

The Postman!!!

Monday morning the postman is walking through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail.
As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.

His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and liquor bottles for
the recycling bin.

'Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman comments.

David, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning.
We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'WHO AM I.'

The Postman thinks a moment and says,
'How do you play WHO AM I?'

Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet, asking "WHO AM I".
Then the women try to guess who it is.'

The postman laughs and says,
'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'

'Probably a good thing you did,' David responded.
'Your name came up 7 times.'

Joanna wrote:Coffee Break then strolled over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, s**t on the paper, screwed the other
three dogs and claimed he injured his back while doing so.

He then filed a grievance for unsafe conditions, applied for
Workers' Compensation, and left for home on sick leave.

My then boyfriend, also a government employee, got a back injury on the job (self-induced stupidity), then got Worker's Comp, got 45 days sick leave, screwed 3 girls I knew of, went water skiing, etc., all the while collecting money he shouldn't have received. He ate the "cookies", drank the "milk", probably sh*t on the paper, and definitely screwed the three bit*hes. So, yeah, I know him well!!!!

Cute mailman joke Joanna!

Lovely video of Uggie here !

http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/news/dogs-puppies-movies-beginners-young-adult-hugo-274321

Oh mel sorry if that joke brought back bad memories for you.
You sound well rid

Hope all goes well over the next week in Clooneyville - Sag's and all. I will be offline til next weekend as I am moving house. I will back online depending on when my internet provider can be bothered to re-connect me at my new address - they can't give a guarantee just that it will take at least 5 working days, if not more. So take care and will will catch up with you all in a week.

fine vid
great hotel joke, JO

and hope to see you soon, Watching!

No bad memories Joanna, but a great learning lesson!

Good luck with your move Watching. I hope everything goes smoothly for you. See you when you get all settled!

It's me, I'm coming on around 12 pm, Central time.

well

good
but
dunno what is here....
to me is 5.08 pm now

Did you know??

The Goldberg Brothers - The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner

Here's a little fact for automotive buffs or just to dazzle your friends.

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile
air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature inDetroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office.

They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.


And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show --

Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.

I can hear your groans from here. Control yourself !!!


Just forward it on.

No shit???? That is cool - hah, get it? cool? - information.

ROFL on joke patty, LUV it

The Fireman


A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife,
"You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station:

BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets,
BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole,
BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.

"From now on when I say BELL 1

I want you to strip naked.

When I say BELL 2

I want you to jump into bed.

And when I say BELL 3

We are going to make love all night."


The next night he came home from work and yelled

" BELL 1!" His wife promptly took all her clothes off.

When he yelled "BELL 2!" his wife jumped into bed.

When he yelled " BELL 3!" they began making love.

After a few minutes his wife yelled "BELL 4!"

"What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?

"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied
"YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE."

Hi I just realized that this will be my 100th post....even though it took me almost a year to start posting more, I am so glad I did. I have been following GC since 2005 when I needed a pick me up. There were two other blogs then....the crumbs and another one which I can't remember. I think I remember some of you from those early forums. Then they got weird with the crazy lady and her crazy posts. I was so happy to find this forum and have grown to really like everyone here. It makes me happy that we are from all different parts of the world and even though I am getting a bit disenchanted with GC I would miss you all if I left. Although he is still nice on the eyes.

This forum became a lifeline of sorts as I was out of work for a long time. I did finally find a full time job but it is just a job and not something I love...to quote the proverb "beggars can't be choosers"...which is why I love coming here---it makes me feel better. I don't like when the disagreements escalate but it just makes me realize how passionate everyone is.

So I would like to thank Katie for starting this forum and to all those who post because you bring a bright spot to my days.

Please excuse my sentimentality....I have had a rough couple of days and tend to get a bit weepy when I express my feelings. Again thanks !

Oh and here's to GC who keeps the blood pumping and the conversation flowing!

Oh my God Joanna that is sooo funny. I laughed so hard it hurt me. Seriously I cracked a rib a couple of days ago and I think I just cracked another one. It was worth it.

That's good to hear silly girl. Here's a tissue...blow hard now.
I know that feeling too.

We all need a place to escape to at times in our lives and I have a funny feeling of gratitude to GTC for being the means to an end....plus I enjoy all his work and think he's Fine,
Small Warts and All !!!!
Don't get too disenchanted with him....he's Much Better than many in Hollywood IMO
And after all..."He's just a man" with needs and wants and foibles, just like us, except he's more talented and better to look at !
I hope you soon find your dream work.

In the mean time...."Take from it what you need and Give to it what you can"

cindigirl wrote:Oh my God Joanna that is sooo funny. I laughed so hard it hurt me. Seriously I cracked a rib a couple of days ago and I think I just cracked another one. It was worth it.

Oh glory glory....hope you haven't cracked another one !!!! How did you damage the first....
or would it be TMI to answer Take care now.

Joanna, no, unfortunately it wasn't during sex but I tripped over my cat who is always under my feet, hit the kitchen counter and OUCH. LOL

OOOOOOOOOOOOO....I felt that !
Poor cat too X

Hi silly girl, congratulations on your 100th post. I gave you another positive vote to get you on your way. It's nice to have you here.

Ditto,CindiGirl to Silly Girl! I gave a plus, too!

Addition: I hope you're okay, CindiGirl!

@Silly Girl Great post. Glad you are a full-time COH-ler now.

@Cindigirl Ouch! Hope you are doing good.

SillyGirl - another "+" from me! You expressed my feelings to a tee! You guys just don't realized what you mean to me!

Wow, Silly Girl, that's so great to hear. I'm just happy that everyone has found a home here.

You know, Katie, this is like a real family - sisters all, even with the knockdown dragout fights. Like a bunch of girls all wanting the same guy and thinking each is "the one". We love each other to death, but sometimes we don't like each other for a while.

Off topic, I thought Rose Byrne stole the show at the SAG awards. She was stunning!!

Love the fireman joke. I actually like all of them. Yes, it's always nice to have a virtual home to visit. Like a family we have our fights and times we laugh sometimes we cry but we do it together! Glad you reached 100 wait to hit a thousand cause you will be around for a long time. Once you get started it's hard to stop and I don't see this forum going anywhere....thanks to Katie and everyone who posts the stories, pictures and jokes and comments. I did hear a joke this morning and thought finally I can put one in this area but of course I CRS! LOL

And I have a pleasure to give you green for such a nice post to make a cool 200 greens, because You are You Dex.

JEWISH & ITALIAN GRANDPARENTS

T H E Jewish E L B O W

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301 . There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow , push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow , push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow , hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? .........

"What . . . .. .. You coming empty handed?"
_______________________________________________

Wise Italian Grandfather:

Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple-a bambinos. "

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with anudder man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'time's up' "?

grazie '_'





but we are NOT like that

maybe George, instead?

cindigirl wrote:Joanna, no, unfortunately it wasn't during sex but I tripped over my cat who is always under my feet, hit the kitchen counter and OUCH. LOL

So it may not have been sex related but it was a pussy related injury. lmao.

Loving all the jokes! Keep 'me coming!

Sorry been MIA lately. My desktop died on me and I had to try to salvage the hard drive and copy everything to the old laptop. And I've had a lot going on with my mom. She's doing really well now but has to go back for another lymph node biopsy on Thursday because the cancer had spread to one. If this comes back negative they'll do radiation on the one area if it comes back positive that means it has spread more. And that means chemo. Soooo, fingers crossed that it hasn't spread any more.

Question: Did you notice the picture of "O" with Eli where he was standing weird? What vibes do you get from this? ... It kinda ticks me off some... What about you?

MGK, I'll say a prayer for your Mother, too.

MGK, sending out positive thoughts for your mothers recovery. Watch those animals when they trip you the fall always hurts.

MGK, prayers are being sent for your Mom. Keep positive thoughts around her and with her.

Now for a different track:


Really serious virus warning!!

I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the
most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. It Appears to affect those who were born prior to 1960....

Symptoms:

1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. Done that!
2.. Causes you to send a blank e-mail ! That too!
3.. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person..yep!
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. Aha! 5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. Oh Bugger!! 6.. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. Oh , no not again! 7.. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND.." And I just hate that!
8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE." Oh No!
IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."
Hmmm.....Have I already sent this to you, or did you send it to me?

Saw this on a friend's facebook page:

thank you for the kind words.

LMAO @ the virus Pattygirl. Been there, done that. LOL

My bottle of ChocoVine had to get mouth-to-mouth the other night, Katie. LOL

LOL Katie mouth to mouth!

pattygirl wrote:IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."
Hmmm.....Have I already sent this to you, or did you send it to me?

OMG patty that is so funny and painfully true. Thanks for my wake-up laugh.

And, we're not getting older, we're getting better, and if you believe that then I have a bridge in Arizona to sell you. LOL

Is that still for sale CindiGirl?? hahahaha

The most love and prayers to your mother and your family MGK!

If it's not available, there's always the Brooklyn Bridge.

prayers to your mother and your family
from myself too
MGK

hope that will end fast
and good

Katiedot wrote:Saw this on a friend's facebook page:

LOOOL

fingers crossed MGK

Prayers for you MGK.

Thanks Zizi for the green line! Keep the jokes coming liked the jewish grandma one and italian grandfather. I really got the computer one.

You are very welcome Dex

Love Story

I will seek and find you . . .
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you

I wil make you ache, shake & sweat until you
moan & groan

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be
relieved when I am finished with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,
The Flu

Now, get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot!

playfuldeb wrote:Love Story

I will seek and find you . . .
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you

I wil make you ache, shake & sweat until you
moan & groan

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be
relieved when I am finished with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,
The Flu

Now, get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot!

nice

(I enjoy it, every time I read it)