General Chitchat for January 2012

You're all welcome to the laughs.
"A laugh a day keeps the CRS away"

I'd pay anyone to clear the snow away when we get it. We get the cars stuck on the drive due to being on a hill.
Non yet, so far so good

Thanks for the BIG laughs.
kids are amazing.....

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition
imposed by circumstances.


While attending a Harmony for Couples weekend, Dave and his Partner, Ann, listened to the instructor declare,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know the things
that are important to each other."

He then addressed the men, "Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower ?"

Dave leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered,
"It's Homepride, isn't it ?"

Thus began Dave's life of celibacy.

Taliban Joke of the Year
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!""OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."

Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead & said, "Your f@#*ing brother won't let me in without a tie!"

Good one cindi. I give you a Green Award !

Does GTC go Skydiving ?


Who would hit the ground first


If three guys, one from Ohio, one from Indiana
and one from Kentucky went skydiving together
and none of the chutes opened,

Who would be the last one to hit the ground?

The guy from Kentucky, because he'd have
to stop to get directions.

hahahahaha!!! Actually that could refer to ALL guys!!

ROFL Joanna - Actually if it was a guy from New Jersey he'd hit the ground first because he'd rather drive all around God's creation before asking for directions. I know that from experience!!!

Married too often


Rande and GTC. were having a beer in the local watering hole when they suddenly heard a loud burst of laughter.

"What're those guys laughing at," asked Rande.

"Mickey Rooney. He's about the dumbest guy in town.
Got married so many times, he just married one of
his former wives again and didn't even know it."

"Boy, that is dumb!"

"And he never would have found it out except
that he recognized his mother-in-law!"

oh dear...

Joanna, that was laugh out loud funny.

And Melbert, since when are you a 'Clooney Purist.' Is there something I should know?

silly girl wrote:At the wedding reception, the photographer yelled, 'Would all the married men, please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living.'

The bartender was almost crushed to death.

I snatched this one ! It explains G.C.'s behaviour !

Ever since George waved to her with
that cheeky grin cindi !
She's come over all unnecessary

You're so dumb

Kelp and his wife were sitting at the dining table having
their nightly squabble.

"Mister!" she shouted, "you're so dumb you think
Barnum and Bailey are married to each other!"

"What difference does it make," he replied,
"as long as they're in love?"

It's too hot today

Randall finished taking a shower and said to his wife,

"It's too damn hot today to wear any clothes.

What do you think all our neighbors would say
if I mowed the lawn in the nude?"

"Probably that I married you for your money."

cindigirl wrote:And Melbert, since when are you a 'Clooney Purist.' Is there something I should know?

A purist is one who desires that an item remains true to its essence and free from adulterating or diluting influences. Now, if I could just get George to listen to me!!

Now George doesn't KNOW what he's missing.

melbert wrote:

cindigirl wrote:And Melbert, since when are you a 'Clooney Purist.' Is there something I should know?

A purist is one who desires that an item remains true to its essence and free from adulterating or diluting influences. Now, if I could just get George to listen to me!!

Oh, but IMO he would then be so SO Boring !

“The Scottish Brothel"


The madam opened the brothel door in Milngavie and saw a rather
dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties.

"May I help you sir?" she asked.

The man replied, "I want to see Suzy."

"Sir, Suzy is one of our most expensive ladies
Perhaps you would prefer someone else" , said the madam.

He replied, "No, I must see Suzy."

Just then, Suzy appeared and announced to the man
she charged £5000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds
and gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more
demanding to see Suzy.

Suzy explained that no one had ever come back two nights
in a row as she was too expensive.

"There are no discounts. The price is still £5000."

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Suzy,
and they went upstairs.

After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again.

Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Suzy and they went upstairs.

After their session, Suzy said to the man,

"No one has ever been with me three nights in a row.
Where are you from?"

The man replied, " Edinburgh."

"Really," she said. "I have family in Edinburgh ."

"I know." the man said. "Your sister died and I am her Lawyer.
She asked me to give you your £15,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things
in life are certain:

1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer

Four... GOD

Poor girl!

lol

This SHOULD make you laugh.
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal:
he'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.

On the chosen day the Pope and Rabbi sat opposite each other.
The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.
The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
The Rabbi pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy.

Later the Cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our faiths.
Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. The Rabbi responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.
I pulled out the wine and host to show that through the perfect sacrifice Jesus has atoned for our sins, but the Rabbi pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He beat me at every move and I could not continue."

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he'd won.

"I haven't a clue" said the Rabbi. "First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.
Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, but I told him emphatically that we were staying right here."
"And then what?" asked a woman.
"Who knows?" said the Rabbi. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine."

Thank goodness there's a "Party in the Kitchen" Congratulations, George!
It's rough out there right now!

hahahaha! thanks!

Bad Weather Alert in Scotland


A Glasgow Council warning said that anyone travelling in icy conditions should take:

Shovel, Blankets or sleeping bag, Extra clothing, including scarf,

Hat and gloves, 24 hours supply of food and drink,

De-Icer, 5Kgs of Rock Salt, Torch or lantern, with spare batteries.

Road Flares and Reflective Triangles,

Tow rope, 5 gallon petrol Jerry can,

First Aid Kit, Jump Leads.


I looked a complete prat on the bus this morning !!!

.

on the bus!

You guys crack me up!

ciao tu

good night you all
bye!

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1.. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on
and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars..... See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something,
ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks .
Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions,
Switch to Espresso.
5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana.
6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
9. Sing Along At The Opera.
10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend
Their Party Because You have a headache.
11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot,
Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy,
We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY,
GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.


Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile. It's Called...THERAPY
Enjoy The Ride, Life is Short!!

Loved it Patty! I actually laughed out loud!

gret insanity world!!!
you need it
from time to time! LOL

I'd love to do that at the zoo.

“In my next life I want to live my life backwards.

You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day.

You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play.
You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born.

And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious
spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila!

You finish off as an orgasm!”
― Woody Allen

I've said often... we've got it backward!

Good one pattygirl, I've passed it on thanks.

Yes cinders, interesting thought.
Benjamin Button was a good attempt IMO

Joanna wrote:“In my next life I want to live my life backwards.

You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day.

You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play.
You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born.

And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious
spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila!

You finish off as an orgasm!”
― Woody Allen

I would engrave it!

me2

"IN MY NEXT LIFE" Sounds good to me but I'd want to skip High School, in these times probably Middle School to.

Thanks for the wake-up jokes patty and Joanna. Great way to start the day with a laugh.

LMAO @ all the jokes.

Pattygirl, at my old work place I did #2, #3, and #6. on those long, boring days you have to entertain yourself somehow.

Will be away for a while and will miss the jokes. I won't get to see G win this weekend but will be back for the oscars. Keep the news and views coming. I will have a lot of catching up to do. Hope I don't get bounced for not logging in.

ciao blue!

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.

While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.

The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.



Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes.

When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million
dollars, so Putin writes him a check.


Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes.

When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million
dollars, so she writes him a check.


Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours.

When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.


When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got
to call the USA so cheaply.


The devil smiles and replies, "Since Obama took over, the country has
gone to hell, so it's a local call."

noooooooooooo!!

If a dog was the teacher you would learn things like:

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure Ecstasy.

Take naps.

Stretch before rising.

Run, romp, and play daily.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.

On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.

When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Be loyal.

Never pretend to be something you're not.

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by, and nuzzle them gently.

ENJOY EVERY MOMENT OF EVERY DAY!

uh che meraviglia!!!

Aaaaaaaa bless

That is why I love dogs! Keep the jokes coming I'm crap at them I never remember or get the punchlines mixed up.

I'm out of jokes today too but here's a funny dog video.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FySLQEv3ias

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town,
which he planned to visit on his vacation.

He wrote, "I would very much like to bring my dog with me.
He is well groomed and very well behaved.
Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room
with me at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said,

"I've been operating this hotel for many years.
In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls.
I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night
for being drunk and disorderly.

And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill.
Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel, and
if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too!"