General Chitchat for January 2012

OK, I bit too after I read George's commentary. Bleach in my eyes, swallowed to get the "taste" out of MY mouth, and even taking a shower in bleach to cleanse my whole body. I understand that some people have kinks that I could NEVER imagine, but OMFP, that was beyond repulsive.

It's all here: http://www.clooneysopenhouse.com/t77-interview-with-esquire-magazine-2008-the-910-to-crazyland

Damn, you're good Katie!!!

Two elderly women are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.

One woman turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"

The other replies, "Oh sure I do."

The first old woman asks, "What do you do about it?"

The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."

... After a few moments, the first old lady asks,
"Who drives you to the beach?"

How to Interpret Personal Ads

WOMEN'S ADS

40-ish............................49
Adventurer......................Slept with all your friends
Athletic..........................No tits
Average looking..............Has a face like a basset hound
Beautiful.........................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile............Does a lot of Ecstasy
Educated........................Banged her Political Science professor
Emotionally Secure.........Medicated
Feminist.........................a Fat ball buster & doesn't shave her arm pits
Free spirit.......................Junkie
Friendship first................Trying to live down reputation as a extremely sociable lady
Fun................................Annoying
Gentle............................Comatose
Good Listener.................Borderline Autistic
New-Age.........................All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned............Lights out, missionary position only, no BJs
Open-minded...................Desperate
Outgoing.........................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate......................Sloppy drunk
Poet................................Depressive Schizophrenic
Professional.....................Certified Bitch
Redhead..........................Bad dye-job
Reubenesque...................Grossly Fat
Romantic.........................Looks better by candle light
Social...........Has been passed around like an hors d'oeuvres tray
Voluptuous.......................Very Fat
Weight proportion w/ height.....Hugely Fat -as tall as you are wide
Wants Soul mate..............Stalker
Widow.............................Drove first husband to shoot himself
Young at heart..................Old bat .


MEN'S ADS

40-ish..........................52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic........................Watches a lot of NASCAR
Average looking.......Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
Educated......................Will patronize the shit out of you
Free Spirit.....................Banging your sister
Friendship first...............As long as friendship involves nookie
Fun...............................Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking.................Arrogant
Very good looking..........Dumb as a board
Honest..........................Pathological Liar
Huggable......................Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Likes to cuddle..............Insecure mama's boy
Mature..........................Older than your father
Open-minded.......Wants to sleep with your roommate but she's not interested
Physically fit..................Does a lot of 12-ounce curls
Poet.........................Wrote ex-girlfriend's # on a bathroom stall
Sensitive.......................Cries at chick flicks
Very sensitive................Gay
Spiritual.........................Got laid in a church once
Stable...........................Arrested for stalking, but not convicted
Thoughtful......................Says "Excuse me" when he farts .

Hahah Those are great. I would go for "professional" all the way and damn proud of it.

the lifesaver one is...

Quick an URGENT message for George !


I did not know this...

When you drink vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure.

When you drink rum over ice, it can give you liver failure.

When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems.

When you drink gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.

Apparently, ice is really bad for you.

Warn all your friends.

M E O W !

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Tylden firestation, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer.
The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar
and to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.'

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right,
but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

ROFL Joanna. LOVED your personal ads post. Laughed so hard I almost choked on my peanut butter sandwich.

Oh sorry cindi !! Don't want to choke you with funnies.
Blame my email mate who sends them to me



A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food.
She picked up four cans and took them to the check out counter.

The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell
you cat food without proof that you have a cat.
A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food.

The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food.

Again the cashier said "I'm sorry, but we
cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog.
A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog."

So she went home and brought in her dog. She then was able to buy the dog food.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid.

The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.

The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."
The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her.

So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it out. She said to the little old lady, "That smells like s h i t."

"The little old lady said, "It is.

I want to buy three rolls of toilet paper."


Don't mess with Old People

Interesting article about George from Contact Music.

http://www.contactmusic.com/news/george-clooney-hates-hurting-people_1281397

Lmao @ the jokes Joanna!

thanks for the jokes!

oh my
all my body hurts
I feel tired muscles
as I run for miles
but I didn't do nothing like that
... how can I? tension

Joanna

Funny jokes! Thanks for the laughs!

I had a wonderful time in Texas! I already miss the weather! Lucy, it was beautiful! Here's a video of my nephew playing at the Cotton Bowl, Dr. Pepper Pre-party on Friday. Enjoy!

Cinderella he is wonderful...what talent! Loved it! Oh and cute too...

OMG Cinderella, your nephew is just great.
What a talent.
You are fortunate to have such a handsome and musical child in your family. Congrats.

Cinders I thought of you and yours several times on Sat. the weather has never been like it was ever for the cottonbowl! Y"all were/are very blessed or just lucky. Your nephew is so talented, drums, guitar, and he sings, he's so young,(why can't any of George's GF's have this kind of talent?)while listening to him sing, his voice sounds much older than he looks.

lucy wrote:why can't any of George's GF's have this kind of talent?

This is what I thought also, but wasn't brave enough to put it in my post.

ZIZI, that has always been a gripe of mine with George's dates " talent" the only talent they seem to ever have is doing something that requires little clothing and nothing else!

hope the best for him!

Great playing cinders, he should go far !
Simon Cowell been in touch yet ? LOL
I put another one of him on previous page as I liked it so much.

Glad the jokes raised a laugh.

Love the jokes, keep them coming! You have a very talented nephew Cindigirl.

Thanks, y'all! I have to laugh at using the y'all! I love Texas! I am very blessed!

Cinders I'm not a original Texan, but a y'all does pop out every now and then, if you see me type ( fixin too ) please plan an intervention.

Go Cinders Nephew! Thanks for sharing. He's a talented little guy!

Y'all slips into conversations around here (TN) too.

Who Said Scot's Are Tight ??


A Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform,
marches into a pharmacy.

Very carefully he opens his sporran
and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana,
unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief,
which he also unfolds -
to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patches on it.
The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.

"How much to repair it?' The Scot asks the chemist.

"Six pence" says the chemist.

"How much for a new one?"

"Ten pence" says the chemist.

The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the
silk square handkerchief
and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran,
and marches out of the door,
shoulders back and kilt swinging.

A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout.

The Scottish soldier marches back into the pharmacy
and addresses the proprietor, this time
with a big grin on his face.

"The Regiment has taken a Vote," he says.

“We'll have a new one."

It's about time!

It's about time for male birth control, something besides a condom, or the snip!

Easy peasy that one lucy.
Everyone becomes Gay overnight !!

Didn't think of that Joanna, solve the population problem too.

Right.

So when that happens.... who will George team up with ??

Tell her to bandage her foot up with red stains on, like blood and pop a photo of it on her FB with a sob story ????
See how many sympathy posts she gets !!!! Keep me posted...OK


Bye for now

Joanna, Sorry, I deleted that post - re-read it and thought it was in bad taste. My son has an "unusual" sense of humor. It wasn't true, he was just teasing her.

I was very concerned about Joanna... I thought she'd lost it. Thanks Cindi for clearing that up!

The WHOLE Regiment ?!?!

I know we're supposed to embed youtube videos, but there was no embed thingy so I'm doing it the oldfashioned way.

It was just too funny:

https://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=-YFRUSTiFUs#t=65

MAN OF THE HOUSE
A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be THE Man of Your House.'

Finding new courage that he never knew he had, he stormed into the kitchen and announced to his wife, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is the 'Law.' You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, bring it to me, and when I am done eating my meal, you will clear the dishes and serve me a scrumptious dessert.

After dinner you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will put on soothing music, wash my back, towel me dry, and bring me my robe.

You will massage my feet and hands to relieve any last bit of tension in me, so that I can sleep like a baby. Then, tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"


The wife replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess, unless I have you cremated.

Thanks cindi.
I thought I'd lost it too cinders !

ROFL on the joke patty.

I received this today by email by an old friend, and wanted to share the thoughts. I can identify with quite a few, but not the "walking on the beach one" !


Thoughts on Getting Old


As I've aged, I've become kinder to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend.

I have seen too many dear friends leave this world, too soon;
before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it, if I choose to read, or play, on the computer, until 4 AM, or sleep until noon?
I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 50, 60 &70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love,
I will.

I will walk the beach, in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves, with abandon, if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set.
They, too, will get old.

I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten.
And, I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years, my heart has been broken.
How can your heart not break, when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet
loses it's life ?
But, broken hearts are what give us strength, and understanding, and compassion.
A heart never broken, is pristine, and sterile, and will never know the joy of being imperfect.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning grey, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face.
So many have never laughed, and so many have died
before their hair could turn silver.

As you get older, it is easier to be positive.
You care less about what other people think.
I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right
to be wrong.

So, to answer your question, I like being old.
It has set me free. I like the person I have become.
I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying
about what will be.

And I shall eat dessert every single day (if I feel like it).

thanks
we need to remember EVERY DAYS

adorable
(as the joke!)

Lmao @ the joke Pattygirl.

Husband: Oh, come on.
Wife: Leave me alone!
Husband: It won't take long.
Wife: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Husband: I can't sleep without it.
Wife: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Husband: Because I'm Hot.
Wife: You get hot at the darnedest times.
Husband: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Wife: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Husband: You don't love me anymore.
Wife: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Husband: Please...come on
Wife: Alright, I'll do it.
Husband: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Wife: I can't find it.
Husband: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
Wife: There! Are you satisfied?
Husband: Oh, yes.
Wife: Is it up far enough?
Husband: Oh, that's good.
Wife: Now go to sleep, and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.

That is funny.....thanks for the jokes and the story about aging. I'm a little head I already have dessert whenever I want too.

dessert jumm
what kind of?

(nice he/she joke!)

Thanks playful that's a good one and very true in our house !
I'm the fresh air fiend and have to have the bedroom window open, even in cold weather.

Just got this from a mate.
Old but funny ! And the joke's not bad either.

An Aussie truck driver walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment..

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.'
The emu says, 'I'll have the same.'
Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays
with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again.
'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.
'Same,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket
and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.
'Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up
with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp.
When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.

The waitress asks, 'What's with the emu?'

The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers,
'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big bum and long legs,
who agrees with everything I say.'

words matter
dude