General Chitchat for September.

ROTFL @ that one Cindi.

It's Monday, and Old Folks Jokes abound. Got a bunch in one email, not sure of I can incorporate into one post, but I'll try.
**********************
Three old guys were complaining about their bowel movements.

The first said "I'm lucky if I go once a week"

The second says, "Once a week? If I don't get an enema, I go once a month".

The third says, "You think thats bad. I go at eight oclock on the dot every day. You can set your watch by me"

The others say "What's so bad about that?" to which the third guy responds, "I don't get up until nine!"
*****************
Two elderly gentlemenfrom a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just shit my pants.'
****************************
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great... I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?

You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
***********************************
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
************************
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember…

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure..'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast ?'
***************************
A senior citizensaid to his eighty-year old buddy:

'So I hear you're getting married?'

'Yep!'

'Do I know her?'

'Nope!'

'This woman, is she good looking?'

'Not really.'

'Is she a good cook?'

'Naw, she can't cook too well.'

'Does she have lots of money?'

'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'

'Well, then, is she good in bed?'

'I don't know.'

'Why in the world do you want to marryher then?'

'Because she can still drive!'
***************************
Three old guysare out walking.

First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'

Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'

Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'
******************
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
***************************
A little old manshuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool…After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'


'THA, THA, THAT'S ALL FOLKS!'[i]

I literally have tears rolling down my face, Pattygirl. Those a too frigging funny.

Ditto here pattygirl. ROFLMA I will email to my gf. She thinks she's the only one with the jokes.

Love all the jokes!!

Here's an email my mom just sent me about men:

1. Don’t imagine you can change a man - unless he’s in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.

5. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so we can tell them apart.

6. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

7. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

8. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years.
Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

9. If he asks what sort of books you’re interested in, tell him check books.

10. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

sandwiches wrote:. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

I LOVE your jokes sandwiches. ROFL - there's another version of love is blind -

Love is blind but the neighbors ain't.

Pattygirl, I had a really lousy day. Your jokes made me laugh when I thought nothing was funny. THANKS!!! You too sandwiches. That's why I like it here.

HAHAHAHAHAAAAAA thanks!

I just heard on the news that Bob Hope's widow, Dolores died today. George was a friend of her and Bob Hope. She was 102.

sad
wasn't she at the G's award night?

(102 yrs old? maybe she wasn't there....)

Hi, no she wasn't there on his award night although George did talk about both her and Bob. About when he and his Aunt Rosemary used to visit them.

blubelle wrote:Pattygirl, I had a really lousy day. Your jokes made me laugh when I thought nothing was funny. THANKS!!! You too sandwiches. That's why I like it here.

You are welcome, I'm glad I could help brighten your day. I'm sure sandwiches feels the same way. It sure eases the tension that's present in some of the other threads. Really sorry you had a lousy day.

102?? Wow! What a life she had.

Pattygirl - Indeed I do. It's been a rough September for a lot of my friends with various losses and reading the jokes here definitely helps.

Yes, sandy, she had a fabulous life, and was married to a wonderful man. They were married almost 70 years when Bob died at over 100 in 2003. They were truly blessed.

I'm surprised George hasn't issued a statement yet about her death. I know years ago he was friends with both her and her husband.

Yes, they were truly blessed.

Joke time for today!

Insider Investment Tips for 2011

For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations:

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co.
Will merge and become: Hale, Mary , Fuller, Grace.

2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces
and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women
will become: Knott NOW!

And finally....

9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang
****************
Chili Cookoff

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting
from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the
other twojudges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and,
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted and became Judge 3."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they
saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me
more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone
is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid,
was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting
to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an
aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and
I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips
off.. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Go od balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic.
Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it
will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow
cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried
about judge number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt.
At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to
stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen
anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it i n through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed
out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if
he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really
hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report
*******************

lucy wrote:Missed the second show was at the hospital emergency with my daughter and just got home, can't believe how many people were there. Daughter is OK, I guess all the test came out good, but now we have to try and find out what happen and why!

Oh, sorry to hear that Lucy. Hope everything's ok now.

Thanks Katiedot, one of those scary mom moments, still not sure what happened, she drove herself to hospital on her way home from work. Complained of pain in her leg all day, then tingling sensation from the top of her head to her toes all down her right side, along with a sharp but brief pain in her chest, said it felt like she had been sucker punched.

Lucy, so sorry to hear about your daughter. Hope and pray she's OK.

Sounds scary! I'm glad she's OK now.

cindigirl wrote:I just heard on the news that Bob Hope's widow, Dolores died today. George was a friend of her and Bob Hope. She was 102.

Mercy, she and Bob lived a very ripe full life. I hope to make it that far.

Okay, joke time:

MY LAST TRIP TO COSTCO



Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up inthe hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so itworks well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's ass and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was Laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the World to think of crazy things to say. Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends...it will be their laugh for the day!
**************
Giraffe Test

There are 4 questions. Don’t miss one.

1. How do you put a giraffe into arefrigerator?

Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.



The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.


2 How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?

Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions..

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals
Attend .... Except one. Which animal does not attend?



Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory.. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and
You do not have a boat. How do you manage it?



Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the
Professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively proves the theory that most professionals do not have the brains of a four-year-old.
Send this out to frustrate all of your smart friends..
*****************
You have to love British humour! These are classified ads, which were actually placed in a U.K. newspaper:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!


FREE PUPPIES.
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.


COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.


JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.


WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

**** And the WINNER is... ****

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.


Statement of the Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly.
"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"
**************

Hi Katie, I found a good video "From Dusk Til Dawn" with Salma Hayek doing the "table dance". It's pretty risque, but let me know if I can post it under "George Old Films."

LOFL patty, jokes are funny.

Especially like this one:
"WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake."

Rotflmao @ being hit by a car while sniffing a poodle's ass.

Lol @ hateful little bastard.

Those are great, Pattygirl!

Awesome jokes! 1 gay bull for sale.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the World to think of crazy things to say. Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends...it will be their laugh for the day!

Glad I could make you all laugh. We do have all the time in the World for the crazy talk.

pattygirl wrote:Glad I could make you all laugh. We do have all the time in the World for the crazy talk.

Love the jokes thanks for the laughs PG.
CG, and Sandwiches, thanks for your well wishes,she resting and will see family doctor on Friday, just hope someone can come up with a WHY!

We all hope and pray it's nothing really too serious, and whatever it is can be easily fixed. Hope it doesn't take too long to discover.

cindigirl wrote:Hi Katie, I found a good video "From Dusk Til Dawn" with Salma Hayek doing the "table dance". It's pretty risque, but let me know if I can post it under "George Old Films."

LOL, it's not in the slightest bit risque! Of course you can post it and I'll love you forever if you do! But only if you post it in the From Dusk till Dawn thread

OK Katie, will do.

Not a joke but a wonderful sentiment for us all!

Lemonade

This should probably be taped to your bathroom mirror
where one could read it every day. You may not
realize it, but it's 100% true.

1. There are at least two people in this world
that you would die for.

2. At least 15 people in this world love you in
some way.

3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you
is because they want to be just like you.

4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone,
even if they don't like you.

5. Every night,SOMEONE thinks about you before they go
to sleep.

6. You mean the world to someone.

7. You are special and unique.

8. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.

9. When you make the biggest mistake ever,
something good comes from it.

10. When you think the world has turned its back on you,
take another look.

11. Always remember the compliments you received.
Forget about the rude remarks.

So...........If you are a loving friend,send this to
everyone,including the one that sent it to you.
If you get it back, then they really do love you.

And always remember....when life hands you Lemons,
ask for Tequila and salt and call me over!

Good friends are like stars........
You don't always see them,
But you know they are always there.

"Whenever God Closes One Door He Always Opens Another, Even Though
Sometimes It's Hell in the Hallway"

I would rather have one rose and a kind word
from a friend while I'm here than a whole
truck load when I'm gone.

Happiness keeps You Sweet,
Trials keep You Strong,
Sorrows keep You Human,
Failures keeps You Humble,
Success keeps You Glowing,
But Only God keeps You Going

Now for the joke: Golf, Vino, & Longevity.....

> >An 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'
> >
> >I'm Italian and I am a golfer', says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.'
> >
> >'Well', says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?'
> >
> >'Who said my Father's dead?'
> >
> >The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive. How old is he?'
> >
> >'He's 100 years old', says the Old Italian golfer. 'In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.'
> >
> >'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?'
> >
> >'Who said my Nono's dead?'
> >
> >Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'
> >
> >'He's 118 years old', says the Old Italian golfer.
> >
> >The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'
> >
> >'No, Nono couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'
> >
> >At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married!! Why would an 118- year-old guy want to get married?'
> >
> >'Who said he wanted to?'

Beautiful sentiments patty.

I especially like this one: And always remember....when life hands you Lemons,
ask for Tequila and salt and call me over!

Well, when are you coming over?

As soon as I sober up. RFOL

Okay, don't want any DUIs.

I'm in SUCH a good mood today. Yesterday I went to Sherman's Jewelers with what I thought was costume jewelry and it turned out to be 14 karat gold, got $450 for it. Yes, money does put me in a good mood, now I can pay my car and health insurance for this month.

Excuse me, now I'm going to tear my closet and dresser drawers apart in search of gold.

Happy hunting. What a find.

the 118 years old guy will be George

right?

cindigirl wrote:I'm in SUCH a good mood today. Yesterday I went to Sherman's Jewelers with what I thought was costume jewelry and it turned out to be 14 karat gold, got $450 for it. Yes, money does put me in a good mood, now I can pay my car and health insurance for this month.

Excuse me, now I'm going to tear my closet and dresser drawers apart in search of gold.

Woohoo! Go you.

I think I'm going to have to start selling organs on the black market. Our a/c is out again. Even though the calendar says Fall, we still have days in the 80s and 90s. Why couldn't it wIt another month or two to go out again? Then The temps would be low enough that I could just wait till spring to have it serviced again.

I could go for some of that tequila. I'll be right up Cindigirl. Lol

That's Murphy's Law Mygirl. Things tend to go wrong and at the worst possible time! Don't sell your organs, tuff it out with fans. LOL

Let's have a tequila drinking contest in cyber space.

I'm in for the tequila fun but not salt or lemon for me.

Great news Cindigirl!

It's humid & warm here too. Not that warm but I am in Canada. Great riding weather!

I'll take mine in a Margarita, please, not frozen, on the rocks.

Rough about the A/C. Always the pits when machines break down and money flies out the window.

sandwiches wrote:I'm in for the tequila fun but not salt or lemon for me.

Great news Cindigirl!

It's humid & warm here too. Not that warm but I am in Canada. Great riding weather!

Thankfully it's not as humid here too. Ditto that, great riding weather. The hubby and I have been on the Harley when he's home on Saturday.

I could go for a margarita right about now, Cindigirl.

Sounds like a good idea. You supply the tequila and I'll supply the salt. LOL

No salt for me, please. High Blood Pressure - salt is a no-no. I am invited aren't I?