JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Pattigirl: Best laugh for the day so far...

Really should get some work done before lunch...

Good morning all!

What a traffic again.

At the red lights I tried to look around to see if there was any Clooney klone out there. What I saw was men picking their noses (quite many)??!! women don't too that, they usually have both hands on a steering wheel.

Klone isn't enough. For the future cases I will print the instructions given somewhere here "how men can be more like GC", pretty complete list. So I can have him read it and if it is not anywhere near -- he in not qualified at all. Sounds like a plan.

This is all I have got to report this morning- I can come back later for the full day report - Have to live this day first....

Have a fantastic day everyone! Little foggy here and warm...

Best in Category wrote:Good morning all!

What a traffic again.

At the red lights I tried to look around to see if there was any Clooney klone out there. What I saw was men picking their noses (quite many)??!! women don't too that, they usually have both hands on a steering wheel.

Klone isn't enough. For the future cases I will print the instructions given somewhere here "how men can be more like GC", pretty complete list. So I can have him read it and if it is not anywhere near -- he in not qualified at all. Sounds like a plan.

This is all I have got to report this morning- I can come back later for the full day report - Have to live this day first....

Have a fantastic day everyone! Little foggy here and warm...

I really must find some NEW jokes for here soon !

Someone sent me this ... autch and touche!
You have an Internet addiction when . . .

You kiss your girlfriend's home page.

A VRML virtual walk through a park is your idea of a good date.

Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.

Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.

All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8...ISDN...cable modem...T1...T3.

And even your night dreams are in HTML.

You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au

Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before.

You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened.

You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.

Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

All of your friends have an @ in their names.

When looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.

Your dog has its own home page.

Your dog's homepage is actually good.

You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.

You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.

Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.

You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.

You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.

Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.

You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job.

You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.

Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."

You get a tatoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 2.01or higher."

You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP...because you never log off.

The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg.

You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.

Your wife says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.

As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.

BREAKING NEWS FROM UK



Queenie's Diary for week ending 8 September


Friday at last. It’s been an exhausting week, what with the cabinet reshuffle and everything.
One has to admit; it’s one of one’s favourite things.
One never tires of seeing the look of disappointment on the faces of sacked ministers.

Mr Clegg called to say he wasn’t involved in the reshuffle but that Mr Cameron had let him
clear out the shed, which he was pleased about.

It all seemed to go reasonably well.
Jeremy Hunt called to say he was delighted to have been appointed Health Secretary and Rupert Murdoch called to say he was considering buying the NHS.
It did come as a shock that Ken Clarke had been moved though;
one had absolutely no idea he was in Government in the first place.

Did briefly consider reshuffling Tom and Jerry (Cameron and Clegg) out of Government but got distracted by some urgent Defender of the Faith work (which, as it happens, paid off with some epic sunshine for the weekend).

Decided to get into the spirit of things and reshuffle the Royal Family as well.
Prince Harry has been reshuffled to Afghanistan, having demonstrated his love of warmer climates recently with his trip to Las Vegas.

"Machine guns and missiles aren’t strictly appropriate for a search and rescue helicopter."


It’s a moment that every parent and grandparent fears, sending a red-haired relative to a place with strong sun and little shade, but he’s got plenty of factor 50 with him so he should be OK.
Charles advised him to keep covered up, which, as we have seen, is easier said than done.

Prince Andrew has given him a few tips on helicopter warfare, having been a pilot himself during the Falklands conflict.
He often says that it was his deployment that marked a turning point in the British campaign.
The DoE says it’s a “bloody wonder” he managed an overseas trip that didn’t involve a
quick game of golf on the way home.

William’s a bit upset that his little brother is seeing active service when he’s “stuck in the arse-end of Wales rescuing things”.
Charles had to spend a good hour on the phone to him explaining why machine guns and missiles aren’t strictly appropriate for a search and rescue helicopter.

Harry sent a text mid-afternoon to say that he’d arrived safely and that it was
“absolutely sodding boiling, even without clothes on”..... Oh God.



What do you think of Harry's deployment? Let us know on Twitter using #socialvoices or leave your comment below.


Twitter's @Queen_UK is the unofficial Head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith, wife of the DoE, mother, grandmother and author of Gin O'Clock.
< Back to #socialvoices

I wonder if the Queen reads this and gets a chuckle??!!

"You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed."

Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?
A: Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!


Q: Whats a condom and a coffin got in common?
A: They both hold stiffs but one is cumin and one is going!


Q: When is a man most intelligent, before, after or during sex?
A: During sex cuz he's plugged up to the knowledge source


Sex is like math.
Add a bed, Subtract the clothes, Divide the legs, and pray you don’t Multiply!

Saturday night call ( I know these calls are getting kind of boring, but they always go wrong…) :

- Hi there
- ?
- Are you there? I am in Japan. J A P A N
- yhmm
- That’s all you got to say?
- yes
- It’s been really hectic, long days and nights and this humidity...
- yes
- And now after two beers and 3 shots I am feeling good this morning.
- Oh, so party party
- Party is over and time to move on. I’ve learned something I could teach you…
- Oh, is it a funny saying in Japanese?
- No, it isn’t. Well I have one, XXXX (he says something in Japanese)
- XXXX (I tried to imitate, he corrected and then I got it) What does it mean?
- You are a piece of work!
- It means that?
- No, it doesn’t. It means” Miss, you can undress now”.
- Why did you tell me that? I won’t have any use for it.
- You wouldn’t have any use for “Mister, you can undress now” either (laughing)
- Someday I might (serious)
- No you won’t, that day would already have come thousand times! Reading?
- No, surfing a stock
- Stock? On Saturday night? No funny pages? So tell me about the stock…
- Cup and handle is forming on this one (name)…interesting…I am looking at the chart right now…
- Tit and ass, that’s what I see. Should I go long on the ass?
- I think you are too hung over – try to recover – byee!
- No good byes yet! Listen to me…
- (I heard clock from the kitchen, my pasta was ready. I had to go and take it off the heat, pour the water…) can’t do it with one hand and didn’t want to tell him I am having , lovely, cozy, candle light pasta dinner solo, so I left the phone on a sofa and went to the kitchen, line was open.)
- … is it alright with you?
- (I had no idea what he was saying) No it is not.
- I was just teasing you.
- Loaded pause from my side. (My dinner was ready, just needed to slice tomatoes, buffalo mozzarella and pesto on top of it and some nuts and rucola).
- Now come on! What did I do to you to deserve this treatment? I am a nice guy.
- Sure. Nothing and you will do nothing.
- We will see.
- No we won’t. I guess it will take at least 6 months to recover from the jet lag and all, don’t bother calling me while you are recovering if ever- -
- Don’t you talk to your friends about emotional matters? They would give you advice to be nicer to me!
- I really have to go now. Good bye! Be big in Japan!

Sorry...but that video is playground stuff...isn't it ?

The Hotel Bill
An older lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice hotel.

When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00. She demanded to know why the charge was so high. "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay!I didn't even have breakfast."

The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate', and breakfast had been included had she wanted it. She insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced:"This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use." "But I didn't use them," she said. ''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous."We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here," the Manager said."But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied. No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!"and the Manager countered with his standard response.

After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him.

The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check. "But madam, this check is for $50.00." "That's correct I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaimed the very surprised Manager. "Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

Don't mess with Senior Citizens

A very funny ventriloquist !


http://www.wimp.com/bestperformances/

hehehee the hotel bill was hilarious

thanks CindiGirl and Joanna for the giggles! Much needed today!

The LOGIC works in the world

Father: I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son: "I will choose my own bride!"
Father: "But the girl is Bill Gate's daughter."
Son: "Well, in that case...ok"

Next Father approaches Bill Gates.
Father: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!"
Father: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case...ok"

Finally Father goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Father: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President: "But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!"
Father: "But this young man is Bill Gate's son-in-law."
President: "Ah, in that case...ok"

oh my!

Good laughs on all postings

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own . so does she...
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'

WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day, 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. 'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up..'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!

Two cowboys were sitting in a bar when one asked his friend if he had heard of the new sex position called Rodeo.

His friend says "No, what is it?"

"Well you mount your wife from the back, reach around and cup her breasts with both hands.
Then say, "Boy, those are almost as nice as your sisters".

Then see if you can hold on for 8 seconds."

Funny cindy & joanna!

What it really means:

40-ish = 49 

Adventurous = Slept with everyone

Athletic = No boobs

Average looking = Ugly, can only be loved by mommy

Beautiful = Pathological liar, airhead

Contagious Smile = Does a lot of pills

Emotionally Secure = On medication

Feminist = Fat, hates men

Free Spirit = Junkie

Friendship first = Former very “friendly” person

Fun = Annoying

New Age = Body hair in the wrong places

Open Minded = Desperate

Outgoing = Loud and Embarrassing

Passionate = Sloppy Drunk

Professional = Bitch

Voluptuous = Very Fat

Large Frame = Hugely Fat

Needs soul mate = Stalker
Romantic = looks better by the candle light
Good listener = borderline autistic
Widow = Nagged first husband to death
Young at heart = Toothless crone

how about

Organized person = anal-retentive

And Zany ?

Professional Junkie

Good ones

Read this article and my favorite is :

"comma fucker" = people who only consider spelling and punctuation, always correcting... drives me nuts...

9 Foreign Words the English Language Desperately Needs

Read more: 9 Foreign Words the English Language Desperately Needs | Cracked.com http://www.cracked.com/article_19695_9-foreign-words-english-language-desperately-needs_p2.html#ixzz26huN5iLO

Like it

There is not yet one in this site!
We need one !!
She/he would go after me with the red pen...

A Real Man!


A real man is a woman's best friend.
He will never stand her up and never let her down.
He will reassure her when she feels insecure
and comfort her after a bad day.

He will inspire her to do things she never
thought she could do; to live without fear
and forget regret.
He will enable her to express her deepest emotions
and give in to her most intimate desires.

He will make sure she always feels as though she's the most
beautiful woman in the room and will enable
her to be the most confident, sexy,
seductive, and invincible.

OH....

No wait...

sorry...

I'm thinking of wine.

It's wine that does all that.......

Never mind......

HAHAHAHAHA!!!! Joanna, GOOD ONE!!!! I'm printing this out to hang on my wall! LOLOL

Too funny. You really got me on that one Jo. Thanks .

hey ama !

hugs vi

hugs ama

An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical
> and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.
> When he gets there,
> he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.
> The female doctor says,
> "I'm going to check your prostate today,
> but this new procedure is a little different
> from what you are probably used to.
> I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees,
> then while I check your prostate,
> take a deep breath and say, '99'
> The old guy obeys and says, "99"
>
> The doctor says, "Great",
> now turn over on your left side and again,
> while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99'
>
> Again, the old guy says, '99'
> The doctor said, “Very good”.
>
> Now then, I want you to lie on your back
> with your knees raised slightly.
> I'm going to check your prostate with this hand,
> and with the other hand
> I'm going to hold on to your penis
> to keep it out of the way.
>
> Now take a deep breath and say,
> '99'
>
> The old guy begins,
> "One...
> two…
> three…"
>
> You don't stop laughing because you grow old.
> You grow old because you stop laughing!
>
>
>

Brilliant patty....hope you are getting around better now

40 years of marriage..


A married couple in their early 60s are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.

She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time,
I will grant you each a wish.'

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world
with my darling husband"

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets
for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like
this will never come again.
I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed,
but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...

The husband became 92 years old..

The moral of this story:

Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember....

Fairies are Female.....

LOL!

(the female Fairies is really good!!! )

Hahaha, love all the posts specially the last one.

Send chocolate . heheeeeee

A blonde is flying in a plane when her pilot keels over. She calls out, "Mayday! Mayday! My pilot is dead!"
Air traffic control responds. "Don't worry. I'll talk you through this. What's your height and position?"
"I'm five foot four inches and I'm in the plane," she says.
"Repeat after me," says the voice. "Our Father who art in heaven..."

from Esquire Magazine, Oct. 2012 issue

It was a small town and the patrolman was making
his evening rounds..
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon
two little old ladies sitting in a used car..

He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there
in the car or were they trying to steal it?

'Heavens no, we bought it.'

'Then why don't you drive it away.'

We can't drive.'

Then why did you buy it?'


'We were told that if we bought a Used car here
We'd get Screwed ......so we're just waiting."

Love your joke Joanna.

Lol, Joanna!!

Adam & Eve make a choice!


God was talking to Adam and Eve one day just before Creation.

He asked, "Well, you two, I only have a couple
more goodies left to hand out before my job is done.
Which one of you wants to be able to pee standing up?"

Adam raises his hand and yells "Me, Me, pick me!!"

So God obliged.

God looks at Eve and says -
"Well, sorry Eve...
but it looks like you're stuck
with the multiple orgasms."

that's a very very good one

hehehe

OMW, Jo, I love it!