JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

LOOOOL !

A man knew he was dying but the doctor said he had good news and bad news: The man said "what's the good news"?" The doctor said you have 24 hours to live. He asked "what's the bad news?"

The doctor said I forgot to tell you yesterday.

LOOOL!

oh oh, lol!

Video Larry The Cable Guy - good for a morning laugh.

LOVE Larry!

Another blonde joke. I really am a glutton for punishment.

The Longest Password Ever
During a recent password audit by a fortune 500 company, it was found that a blonde employee was using the following password:
“MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento”

When asked why she chose such a long password, she rolled her eyes and said:
“Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters and include at least one capital”

On reflection, that almost makes perfect sense.

Oh my gosh----you made me snort! that is so funny......thx cindi!

a glutton for punishment?

oh my!!!

Sven and Ole

Two Minnesota engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walks by asks what they were doing.
"Ve're supposed to find da height of dis flagpole, " said Sven, "but ve don't haff a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground.
Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.
Ole shook his head and laughed. "Ain't dat just like a voman! Ve ask fer da height and she gives us da length!"
Sven and Ole have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving in the United States Senate.

Vasectomy

A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure a very attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all of his clothes off.

When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the table. The man obeys. The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and climbs on top and has her way with him.

Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks what that was all about. The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that the cord is easier for the surgeon to locate and sever, thereby making the surgery safer, more efficient and quicker.

The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room.

While they are going down the hall the patient looks through a window to the right and sees six men in a room masturbating.

Curious, the man asks," What are they doing in there"?

The nurse responds, " They're preparing for vasectomies too, but you have Blue Cross, and they have Obama Care."

LOL ! I love this thread. I swear that some days my biorythms are flatlining, and I come here to cheer up! Thanks for all the jokes

Playful, did you ever hear the expression - "When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang in there."

I think we all have to do that sometimes!

pattygirl

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...


1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."

2) "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside.
I'll let you know any further information as soon as
I'm given any."

3) "Do you want the good news first or the bad news?
The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time.
The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."

4) "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together.
All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'."

5) "We are now travelling through Baker Street...
As you can see, Baker Street is closed.
It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".

6) "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars.
If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity.
Failing that, give it to me."

7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided."

"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!"
(Pause.) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care -
I'm going home...."

9) "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions."

10) "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close.
It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."

11) "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand
stuck in the door."

12) "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"

13) "Please move all baggage away from the doors."
(Pause..)
"Please move ALL belongings away from the doors."
(Pause...)

"This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train:
Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bl**dy golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e sideways!"

14) "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground.
However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you
pass it round the rest of the carriage."

Love the last two

Europen heaven and hell

In heaven, the police are British,
The cooks are French,
The engineers are German
The administrators are Swiss
And the lovers Italian.

In hell, the police are German
The cooks are British
The engineers are Italian
The administrators are French
And the lovers Swiss.

the lovers Italian
oh thank you!

the engineers are Italian
HEY! YOU!

hehehe

This made me laugh. While I was slobbing around at home today, I caught one of those police reality shows where they stop drivers.

Anyway, I can't remember where exactly it was filmed, but the police officer pulled over a driver for reckless driving. The driver didn't have his licence on him so the police officer looked up the car's licence plate and found out that the registered owner of the car had a long record and should be arrested.

According to the computer, the suspect had very distinctive tattoos and as the police had to identify the driver (who had no ID on him) to make sure they were arresting the right man, the police officer goes over to the driver and asks to see his forearms.

The driver starts laughing really loudly and you can hear him shout, "Are you crazy?! I only got two arms!"

Lol lol...some of those real cops programmes can be very enlightening about Joe Public...and Josephine !

Joanne those London Tube announcements were hysterical!

Yes Lorna I agree...I just hope against hope that they're true as they renew my faith in Londoners ! LOL

Joanna, nr. 8 & 9 so true in any train!

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'

'Go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,

'Please ......Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?

Good for him!!! Yay PattyGirl! How are you feeling?

Hey Mel
I'm feeling pretty good. Have graduated to using a cane most of the time. Moving slow, but am moving. I'm going to Outpatient Physical Therapy twice a week. See the Dr. on Thurs. and hopefully he'll give me my discharge. Hope he'll tell me I can start driving again soon. Want to give my daughter a break. She's got a busy life and my appt. keep her really bouncing. Keeping my fingers crossed.

Good girl PattyGirl! Proud of you! Thanks for keeping in touch. Keep up the good work.

Five and half minutes of boredom relief here !

One day two elderly ladies met up for a spot of lunch.

One of the ladies said to the other....

"Did you come on the bus"

The other lady replied.

"Yeah.... but I made it look like an asthma attack"

Thought you might enjoy this one…..

Lipstick in Catholic School (You have to love this principal) According to a news report, a certain private Catholic school was recently faced with
a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to uselipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine provided it was of a natural or neutral skin tone, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them; and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally, the principal, Sister Mary, decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian, who had to clean the mirrors every night(you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses). To demonstrate
how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, Sister Mary asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are
teachers...... And then there are educators!

tell me it's NOT REAL!!!

Gotta tell ya, It's REAL!

Great Sex

The Italian man said, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end!"

The Frenchman boasted, "Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for 10 minutes!"

The Jewish man said, "Well, last week my wife and I also had sex. I rubbed her body all over with schmalz (chicken fat). We made love, and she screamed for over six hours!"

The other two were stunned.

The amazed Frenchman asked, "What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours?"

The Jewish man said, ... "I wiped my hands on the bedspread."

LOL!

One day a man decided to retire...

He booked himself on a Caribbean
cruise and proceeded to have the
time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks,"Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman."I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman.
"On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed.
I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to
make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.
Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.

While the woman ties up the row boat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down."

"Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed.
"I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"Oh it's not coconut juice," winks the woman.
"I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around? She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing."You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,
!
!!
!
!
!
"You've built a Golf Course?"

LOL!

Monday! I have had bad motivation problems and sugar cravings. Nearly was going to slack off on aqua gym too.

But I didn’t so that’s good.
What is not so good is that I have eaten more chocolate today than normal person eats during Christmas holidays…while reading women´s magazines (you know they really cheer you up with all the tips and advices…) The cover lie, the celebrity profile lie, the must-have lie, the affirmation crap lie, and the biggest lie ”everything bad is good for you”.

I found this: Women’s magazines covers that men wrote:

Football & poker Will improve your relationship – Find Out How!

Why You Don’t Want To Marry A Guy Who Listens – A Must Read!

The Lost Art Of The HANDJOB!

The Sex Position That Will Put A Ring On Your Finger.

BONUS! Get men to do your bidding… without being called a nag!

WHY VA-JAY-JAY is unacceptable pillow talk

Science validates connection between SEMEN & good complexion.

Jeans too tight? NEVER

Enough is never enough when it comes to sex.

Paris Hilton like you have seen her 1000 times before.

Beyonce talking about her new album – or something

FALL FASHION how to get him hot and bothered and still have enough to pay for your own drinks.

How to rock his world with your inner bad girl!

STUDY REVEALS: Men With Guys-Only Time Are More Loyal And Attentive!

HIGH HEELS – the only shoes you need!

Why your man needs to buy that new TV, and why you shouldn’t say anything about it.

EXPERTS AGREE: fetching beers burn more calories than the treadmill.

Have your own hobbies- men like it.

Want him to pop the question? – Learn to cook like his mother.

Mix-A-Lot Is Right: Why losing your butt may mean losing your man

Kegels : The most important minutes of your day.

SENIORS & COMPUTERS ..........
As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers. I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, ’So, what was wrong?

He replied, ’It was an ID ten T error.’ I didn’t want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, ’An, ID ten T error? What’s that? In case I need to fix it again.’ Eric grinned ... ’Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before? ’No,’ I replied.

’Write it down,’ he said, ’and I think you’ll figure it out.’

So I wrote down: ID10T

I used to like Eric, the little shit head .

If you’re not a Senior yet then send this to someone who is

An elderly Scottish Jew has decided to take it a little easier and take up golf.
So he puts his name down at the local club.

After a week he receives a message that his application has been turned down.
So he goes down to the club to inquire why......

Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?

Scot: Aye but I am as Scottish as you are Jock.

Secretary: This means that on formal occasions we wear kilts.

Scot: Aye, so do I.

Secretary: You are aware that we wear nothing under our kilts?

Scot: Aye, neither do I.

Secretary: But you are a Jew?

Scot: Aye, I be that.

Secretary: So you are circumcised?

Scot: Aye, I be that too.

Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just
would not feel comfortable with that.

Scot: Ach, away with ya man.
I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with
the Orangemen.
And I know that you have to be a Catholic to become
a Knight of Columbus.

But this is the first time I heard, that you have to be
a complete prick to join a golf club.

It's time again for the annual 'Stella Awards'!







For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico , where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know the kind of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy


Here are the Stellas for this past year -- 2011


* SEVENTH PLACE *

Kathleen Robertson of Austin , Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.


Start scratching!


* SIXTH PLACE *

Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

Scratch some more...


* FIFTH PLACE *

Terrence Dickson, of Bristol , Pennsylvania , who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming Undue Mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish.

Double hand scratching after this one..


* FOURTH PLACE *

Jerry Williams, of Little Rock , Arkansas , garnered 4th place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.


Pick a new spot to scratch, you're getting a bald spot..


* THIRD PLACE *

Amber Carson of Lancaster , Pennsylvania - A jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor? Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. Whatever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?


Only two more so ease up on the scratching...



*SECOND PLACE*

Kara Walton, of Claymont , Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her 12,000.... oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.



Ok. Here we go!! Drum roll ...


* FIRST PLACE *

This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home from an OU football game, having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owners manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set.

The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down? $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.

If you think the court system is out of control and America has lost ALL common sense, be sure to pass this one on!!!

http://www.snopes.com/legal/lawsuits.asp

Thankfully, these are urban Legends, mainly over ten years old.
Still funny though !

The following questions were set in last year's GED examination.
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds) ....... and they WILL breed.

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now, there is little hope)

Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U..

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)

Q.... Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

oh LOOOOL!

For all Who Work With Rude Customers,
isn't it a shame WE can't actually do this!

An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said,
"I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".

The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.."

The passenger was unimpressed.
He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear,
"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone:"May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.

"We have a passenger here at Desk 14
WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS.
If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said,
"F... You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said,
"I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."

For all you married folk out there, this is the result of the latest sex survey for married couples.

It has been determined that the most used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position. The husband sits up and begs. The wife rolls over and plays dead.

I've mentioned before my favorite is the missionary position- woman on the bottom, man in Africa, LOL

I want one!