JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

THE 5 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!


> Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?

> A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'downunder..'


> Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?

> A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.


> Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?

> A: Because when they arrive, they're wild and wet, and when they go, they take your house and car with them.


> Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?

> A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...

> BONUS QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

> Q: What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?

> A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

Nominated as the world's best short joke

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath. 'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.

hehehe

thx

merry christmas

Resurrection

A pastor was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was. Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.

Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand. The pastor called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."

It took over ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough from their laughter for the worship service to be continued.

Lol, this reminds me of the time when my little baby came home from school
and told me that her teacher was a heathen, and when I asked her why she said that,
she responded "because she doesn't eat meat".

Diet to Start the New Year

This is a specially formulated diet designed to help WOMEN cope with the stress that builds during the day. I have found that this really works!!

BREAKFAST
* 1 Grapefruit
* 1 slice whole-wheat toast
* 1 cup skim milk

LUNCH
* 1 small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach
* 1 cup herbal tea
* 1 Penguin Biscuit

AFTERNOON TEA
* The rest of the Penguins from the packet
* 1 tub of Gino Ginelli ice cream with chocolate topping

DINNER
* 4 bottles of wine (red or white)
* 2 loaves garlic bread
* 1 family size Supreme pizza
* 3 snickers bars

LATE NIGHT SNACK
* 1 whole cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)

FINALLY REMEMBER:

"Stressed" spelled backwards is desserts".

"Stressed" spelled backwards is desserts".




oh MY!

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is. Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are dose?, asks the attendant. "They're called tees" replies Tiger.. "Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman. "They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everyting!"

hahahaha! I just peed my pants CindiGirl! Too funny!

So True !!

This might be good for a morning laugh:

Laurel and Hardy dance to the Rolling Stones.

that's great cindi !

Golf on Christmas Day
Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority; figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off of."
The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures." The third guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, ‘Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning -- intercourse or golfcourse '

She said, “Don’t forget your sweater.”

Intercourse or golfcourse

An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared.
The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office.

The woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?"

The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will.

The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?"

She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank."

"Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $40,000 to be distributed?"

The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to notice when I pass on. I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral."

The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you!

But tell me," he continued, what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?"

The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married, I've lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept with a man. I'd like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me."

"This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "but I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you."

That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000, and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself.

She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you're finished."

The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car horn.

Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow, she's going to let the County bury her!"

That was funny!

Debate over language bill

words are not needed


modern democracy in Ukrainian Parliament

For Katie...after she safe lands back to work !


Air Traffic Humor

The controller who was working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty (to do a complete circle, usually to provide spacing between aircraft).
The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know It costs us two thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane?
Without missing a beat the controller replied,
"Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!" __________________________________________
A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing when his approach speed was just a little too fast.
San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end, if able.
If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport. __________________________________________
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7." Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure ...
by the way, after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff. Contact Departure on 124.7; did you copy the report from Eastern?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff roger;
and yes, we copied Eastern.
We've already notified our caterers." ______________________________________________
Approach Control: "United 329 Heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, 3 miles, eastbound."
United 329:
"Approach, I've always wanted to say this ...
I've got that Fokker in sight!"

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/

a woman was sitting at a bar and having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen here, good looking, I will screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, their place, my place, in the car , front door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on . . .
It doesn't matter to me, I just love it."

His eyes now wide with interest, he responds,

"No kidding . . . I'm in Congress too. What state do you represent"?

The Old Rancher

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher,
in town.

Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.

Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.

Tom proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.'

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was,
could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man.

Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.

'How's the new wife?', asked the banker.

Tom proudly said, 'Good - she's pregnant.'

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And how's the hired hand?'

Without hesitating, Tom said, 'She's pregnant too.'

Don't ever underestimate old guys!

Theater Seats

An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theater.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man,

"Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The old man groaned but didn't budge.

The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there

I'm going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the old man just groaned.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man, but with no success. Finally they summoned the police.

The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"

"Fred," the old man moaned.

"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the police officer.

With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied,

"The balcony."

1st O.A.P. :- “I still enjoy great sex at 67“
2nd O.A.P. :- “Yeah ?"
1st O.A.P. :- “Which is handy, because I live at no. 65” “

Joanna,
First, Happy New Year!
Second: okay call me stupid but what's and O.A.P.? Maybe I'm being dense today, been sitting here and just can't figure it out!

PattyGirl, I think Joanna is referring to "Old Age Pensioner". Yup, a British thing! American translation - old fart!

Thanks, Mel. Forgot about that Brit thing. Should have remembered, had a daughter-in-law whose Mum was and OAP. CRS, again, I guess.

pattygirl wrote:Thanks, Mel. Forgot about that Brit thing. Should have remembered, had a daughter-in-law whose Mum was and OAP. CRS, again, I guess.

Oh.....we're all in good company today with the CRS virus !

Hope 2013 is a better year for you pattygirl.....pleased to
know you're doing alright now

♥ ✿⊱• ♥✿⊱╮ ♥
89 years old woman caught her husband in bed with other woman when she returned home from grocery store.

She became furious and thought 60 years old marriage was ruined. She ended up throwing him off the balcony and it was the 5 th floor.

At the court, the judge asked her “ Didn´t you know he is going to die?”
“No” she replied.
“ How come you didn´t? Can you explain” the judge said.
“I thought if he can fuck at the age of 93, surely he could fly too.”

ROTF!

Best you're the best for sure!!!

Best I had just put a bite of food in my mouth when I got to the punchline of the 93 year old joke and almost choked I started laughing so much. So the moral is to not click on this thread when I'm eating or drinking something.

But thanks for a really good laugh!

Merci pour le compliment

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day?

I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not very many people know this.

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.

The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together, it wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her.
In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a
few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"


Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it?
This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught.

yep
only with some (of his bats) help

Is that a bottle in your hand or am I just happy to see you?

We do not have an alcohol problem at our house.
We've got at least 10 bottles of everything.

"I went into the bar the other day & the bartender said,
What'ya have?
I said suprise me. He did, He showed me a naked picture of my wife. I said, Hey, who said you could mess around with my wife?
Everyone did. he replied..."

All men hear is blah, blah, blah, blah, SEX, blah, blah, blah, FOOD, blah, blah, blah, BEER.

There can be nothing more frequent than an occasional drink.

I certainly do not drink all the time, I have to sleep you know.

Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.

Here’s to our wives and girlfriends… may they never meet!

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. 
--Winston Churchill

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. 
--Humphrey Bogart

An English ventriloquist visiting Wales
walks into a small village and sees a local
sitting on his verandah patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the taff

'Gooday, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid English bastard.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Taff: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)

Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Taff: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Taff: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool'

Taff: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)

Horse: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,
Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the elements.'

Taff: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Taff: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a liar……'

Two crocodiles were sitting at the side of Lake Burley Griffin
in Canberra .

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how
you can be so much bigger than me.
We're the same age, we were the same size
as kids... I just don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down the other side of the lake near the parking lot by
Parliament House.'

'Same here. Hmm... how do you catch them?'

'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg,
shake the shit out of them, and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not
getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you shake the shit
out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase.'

Splinters In Crotch

A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugging, liberal and an anti-hunter , purchased a piece of timberland near Colville , WA .

There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.
The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared.

The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a 'recreational area' so close to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but due to Obama-Care they turned you down."

hahahahahahaha!! that is WONDERFUL!!!!

Eddie Izzard: possibly one of the funniest men on the planet. Here's his take on what the canteen on the death star would have been like:



"No, I am not the head of catering services, I am Darth Vadar" has become a catchword around the office.

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