JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Good one PP !

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca,  age 89, living in Miami, are all excited
about their decision to get  married. They go for a stroll to discuss
the wedding, and on the way  they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests
they go in.
 
Jacob  addresses the man behind the counter:
 
"Are you the  owner?"
 
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
 
Jacob: "We're  about to get married. Do you sell heart  medication?"
 
Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."
 
Jacob:  "How about medicine for circulation?"
 
Pharmacist: "All  kinds."
 
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
 
Pharmacist:  "Definitely."
 
Jacob: "How about  suppositories?"
 
Pharmacist: "You bet!"
 
Jacob:  "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and  Alzheimer's?"
 
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The  Works."
 
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol,  antidotes for
Parkinson's disease?"
 
Pharmacist:  "Absolutely."

Jacob: "Everything for  heartburn and indigestion?"
 
Pharmacist: "We sure  do."
 
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and  canes?"
 
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
 
Jacob:  "Adult diapers?"
 
Pharmacist: "Sure."
 
Jacob:  "Wonderful!  We'd like  to use this store as our Bridal Registry.

Good one pattygirl  

That´s hilarious ! 

"But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do

Can I get an AMEN!!"

AMENT to that me too looool
amazing

A SENIOR TRYING TO SET A PASSWORD

 
WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.  
USER: cabbage  

[b]WINDOWS[/b]: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
USER: boiled cabbage

[b]WINDOWS[/b]: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
USER: 1 boiled cabbage 

[b]WINDOWS[/b]: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
USER: 50bloodyboiledcabbages  

[b]WINDOWS[/b]: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character. 
[b]USER[/b]: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages 
 
[b]WINDOWS[/b]: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.  
USER: 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow! 

[b]WINDOWS[/b]: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.  
USER: ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow   
 
[b]WINDOWS: [/b]Sorry, that password is already in use.

Snow Shoveler's Diary

DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER


December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window, watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!


December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!


December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.


December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to *20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.


December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.


December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was 
very cruel.


December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.


December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Freakin' snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.


December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. 
I think the asshole is lying.


December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she...nuts??? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's damn well lying.


December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the freakin' snowplow.


December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the @#$%^& slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, 
I'm going to kill her.


December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.


December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.


December 28: Warmed up to above-50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!


December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave-in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?


December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.


December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. 
No more shovelling!


January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

I wish I could give you a dozen greenies Joanna!  This is priceless!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A lady went to a psychiatrist complaining of a 
terrible phobia. 
“Every time I lay down on my bed I get this terrible fear that there is something underneath. 


“Wow” responded the psychiatrist “I’ve never heard of such a phobia, but like all phobias it can be treated, 
but it will likely take around 20 sessions.”


 “OK” responded the lady “how much is each session?” 


“Oh it’s just $80 a session, but trust me it’s 
well worth it.” 


When the lady didn’t come back to the psychiatrist he gave the lady a call. 
“How come I didn’t hear from you? He asked.” 


“Well” responded the lady “when I came home and told my husband about the cost he thought he would save some money.  He just cut the bed legs off"

Read more at: undefined | Great Clean Jokes

we'll done hubby ! lol

I laughed so hard thanks for the 

DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER !!!   


Bad weather is on it´s way here, it is alreay snowing LOL

[size=32]Nine Important Facts to Remember as We Grow Older:[/size]

Number 9 - Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
Number 8 - Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 7 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 6 - Men have two emotions: hungry and horny, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
Number 5 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
Number 4 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
Number 3 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Number 1 - Life is like a jar of jalapeño peppers. What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow.

ohdamn!!!


the best is anyway 

Number 8 - Life is sexually transmitted.


   great!!!






we hope consenting anyway

 A RETIREE'S LAST TRIP  TO COSTCO

                       
Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the
check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
               
What did she think? I had an elephant?
                
So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
        
I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my  story.)
                       
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to pee on a Fire Hydrant and a car hit me.
 
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard..
COSTCO won't let me shop there anymore.  Better watch what you ask retired people. They (We) have all the time in the World
to think of crazy things to say.
                  
       Forward this (especially) to all your
retired
friends...it will be their laugh for the day!

you crazy!!!  

Great one patty !!

LOOOOOOOOL !!!!!!! 

Allegedly a bumper sticker....

"Grow your own Dope......Plant a Man"

A newlywed couple wanted to  join a church.

The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for an entire month." 
 
The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the church. 
 
When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying, and the husband obviously was very depressed. 
 
"You are back so soon...Is there a problem?" the  pastor inquired. 
 
"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month," the young man replied sadly.
 
The pastor asked him what happened. 
 
"Well, the first week was difficult; however, we managed to abstain through sheer will power. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. The third week, however, was unbearable. 
 
We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible, anything to keep our minds free of carnal thoughts. 
 
But one afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. 

When she bent over to pick it up, I noticed that she didn't have panties on and I was overcome with lust and I had my way with her, right then and there," admitted the man, shamefacedly. 
 
"You understand this means you will not be welcome into our church," stated the pastor. 
 
"We know," said the young man, hanging his head.
 
  "We're not welcome at Home Depot anymore, either...".

Ha ha ha he heeeee.

last one is   P E R F E C T  !!!!

horribly funny!!! LOOOOL 

funny smily it's me  

  my pleasure, my friend

[size=32]
This morning on the Interstate,
I looked over to my left and there was a[/size] 

[size=48][size=48]
Woman[/size][/size] [size=32][size=32]

In a brand new
Cadillac[/size][/size] [size=32][size=32]

Doing 65 mph[/size][/size] [size=32][size=32]

With her
Face up next to her

Rear view mirror[/size][/size] [size=32][size=32]

Putting on her eyeliner.[/size][/size] [size=48][size=48]

I looked away[/size][/size] 

For a couple seconds... [size=32][size=32]

To continue shaving

And when I looked back she was[/size][/size] 

Halfway over in my lane, [size=32][size=32]

Still working on that makeup.

As a man,[/size][/size] [size=32][size=32]

I don't scare easily.[/size][/size] [size=32][size=32]

But she scared me so much;
I had to put on my seat belt
And
I dropped[/size][/size] [size=32][size=32]

My electric shaver[/size][/size] [size=32][size=32]

Which knocked[/size][/size] [size=32][size=32]

The donut[/size][/size] [size=32][size=32]
Out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying
To straighten out the car[/size][/size] [size=32][size=32]

Using my knees against[/size][/size] [size=32][size=32]
The steering wheel,[/size][/size] [size=32][size=32]

It knocked[/size][/size] 
[size=48][size=48]
My Cell P[/size][/size] [size=32][size=32]hone[/size][/size] [size=32][size=32]

Away from my ear

Which fell[/size][/size] [size=32][size=32]

Into the coffee[/size][/size] [size=32][size=32]

Between my legs!

Splashed,[/size][/size] [size=32][size=32]

And burned[/size][/size] [size=32][size=32]

Big Jim and the Twins,[/size][/size] [size=32][size=32]

Ruined the damn phone,

Soaked my trousers,

And disconnected an
Important call.[/size][/size] [size=48][size=48]

Damn women drivers![/size][/size]

Funny Joanna!

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'
Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, 'Hello son is your Grandma home?'
The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'
 The minister fainted.

Love it pattygirl !

Cuckoo clock
 
 
 Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married....

 If this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense of
 humor.

 The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls'.


 I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'


 Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.


 Around 3 am, a bit loaded, I headed for home.

 Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and
 cuckooed 3 times.

 Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9
 times.

 I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
 solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

 (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos total 12 cuckoos =
 MIDNIGHT!)


 The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in?



 I told him  'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.

 Whew, I got away with that one!



 Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock!'

 When I asked him why, he said,


 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit'
 cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
 throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and
 then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

Beer Can Vasectomy





 After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.


So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more kids.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.

'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can (COORS), then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.

'The Alabamian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to ear is going to help me.

''Trust me,' said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

"1"




"2"





"3"





"4"





"5"





(you'll love this.)



At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.



This procedure also works in Tennessee , Kentucky , Louisiana , Arkansas , Mississippi , Parts of Georgia , Missouri, West Virginia, and
All of Washington DC .. . 

From my joke mate....



HARD LESSON*

Sixth Grade science teacher, Sister Mary Joseph, 
asked her class, 
"Which human body part increases 10 times its size 
when stimulated?"

No one answered until Mary stood up and said, 
"You should not be asking
sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will tell the principal, 
who will then fire you!"

Sister Mary Joseph ignored her and asked the question again,
 "Which body part increases to 10 times its size 
when stimulated?"

Mary's mouth fell open, 
"Boy, she is going to get in big trouble!"

Sister ignored her again and continued, 


"Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said,
 "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Sister said, "Very good, Billy." 


She then turned to Mary and said, 
"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say to you: 


(One), you have a dirty mind.


 (Two), you didn't read your homework. 


And 


(three), one day you are
going to be very, very disappointed."

From my joke mate again.....Phew.....
This is relief to know !!





The brains of older people simply know more.*


                  *The explanation:*

Brains of older people are slow because 
they know so much!

People do not decline mentally with age, it just takes them longer to recall facts because they have more information in their brains, 
scientists believe.    
Much like a computer struggles as the hard drive gets full up, so to do humans take longer to access information, it has been suggested.

Researchers say this slowing down it is 
not the same as cognitive decline.

The human brain works slower in old age, 
said Dr. Michael Ramscar, but only
because we have stored more information over time.
The brains of older
people do not get weak. 
On the contrary, they simply know more.

Also, older people often go to another room to get something and when they
get there, they stand there wondering what they came for.
  It is *NOT* a memory problem, it is nature's way of making older people do more exercise.

SO THERE!!*  *Now you know !*

  I have more friends I should send this too, 
but right now I can't remember their  names...

 So please forward it to your friends,
 they may be my friends too.

 *~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*
*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*

Last one from my joke mate....
Fabulous advert for Air New Zealand.....

(Hmmmm.....How much did this cost ?)

Another one from my joke mate....

A guy and a girl meet at a bar.

They get along so well that they decide to go to her place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

                                  

He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.

The girl has been watching him and says:
                                      

"You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says:"Yes .... How did you figure that out?"

"Easy.." she replies, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing leads to another and they make love.

After it's over the girl says:
"You must be a good dentist."
                                    
The guy, now with an inflated ego, says:
"Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"

The girl replies:....

     "I didn't feel a thing."

LOOOL to the 3 of them 

[size=16] A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.
One of the bags was ripped and every once in awhile a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said,"Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady."I'd better go back and see if I can find them.Thanks for telling me, Officer."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. " Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. 
A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off.
Kills the flowers,you know. 
Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole,real quiet, with my hedge clippers.Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!' 
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing."OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way,what's in the other bag?"
.

.
.
.
"Not everybody pays."[/size]

Catholic Gasoline!
 
Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.
She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street.. One of them turned to the other and said,
 
'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'!!
 

Some years ago, there was a Mensa convention in San Francisco .    Mensa, as you know, is a national organization for people who have an IQ of 140 or higher.
 
Several of the Mensa members went out for lunch at a local cafe.   When they sat down, one of them discovered that their salt shaker contained pepper, and their pepper shaker was full of salt.    How could they swap the contents of the two bottles without spilling any, and using only the implements at hand?   Clearly  --  this was a job for Mensa minds.
 
The group debated the problem and presented ideas and finally, came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer.
 
They called the waitress over, ready to dazzle her with their solution.
 
"Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker………..  "
 
But before they could finish,..........
 
the waitress interrupted.   "Oh  --  sorry about that."   She leaned over the table, unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.
 
There was dead silence at the Mensa table.
 
 
Reminds me of our government, solutions would be so simple, but the brilliant minds in Washington have to make the situation difficult.