JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Two policemen (Constables Ken and Bob) call the station on the radio.
 
"Hello. Is that you Sarge?"

"Yes?"

"We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean."

"Have you arrested the woman?"
 
"No sir. The floor is still wet."

DON'T TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY .....NO ONE MAKES IT OUT ALIVE ANYWAY.....

A Japanese couple is arguing about how to perform highly erotic sex:

Husband says: "Sukitaki.mojitaka!"

Wife replies: "Kowanini! mowi janakpa!"

Husband says angrily: "Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!"

Wife on her knees literally begging: "Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!"

Husband shouts angrily: "Na miaou kina Tim kouji!">>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> ////////

I can't believe you just sat there trying to read this –you don’t know Japanese.You'll read anything as long as it’s about sex....you need serious help!!! Sometimes I worry about you.

---

  I apologize in advance to all the Blondes reading these.

 

Two blondes were going to Disneyland. They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.     FLORIDA OR MOON   Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooo, can you see Florida?'     CAR TROUBLE A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the Mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, 'What's the story?' He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor' She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'     SPEEDING TICKET A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take my license away, and now today you expect me to show it to you?'     AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. 'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.' The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you? 'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.' 'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'     KNITTING   A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!' 'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'     BLONDE ON TIME A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'   'Helllooooo. . . ,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'       IN A VACUUM   A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'     FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!   In the swim-meet, after the blond came in last competing in the breast-stroke, she complained to the judges that “all the other girls were using their arms.”

Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch.

And God looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional-calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good.

So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it's Gods will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.
Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older
#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
#8 Life is sexually transmitted.
#7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
#6 Old Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
#5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
#4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
#3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
#2 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
#1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today might burn your butt tomorrow.

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"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits."~Albert Einstein

 
[size=32]A Cup  of Tea made with cold water[/size] 

 
An older lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice hotel.  When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for £250.00.  She demanded to know why the charge was so high.
 
"I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth £250.00 for just an overnight stay!  I didn't even have breakfast."
 
The clerk told her that £250.00 is the 'standard rate', and breakfast had been included had she wanted it.
 
She insisted on speaking to the Manager.
 
The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced:
 
"This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use."
 
"But I didn't use them," she said.
 
''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.
 
He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous.
 
"We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here," the Manager said.
 
"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.
 
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.
 
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response.
 
After several minutes’ discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him.
 
The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check.
"But madam, this check is only for £50.00."
 
"That's correct I charged you £200.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.
 
"But I didn't!" exclaimed the very surprised Manager.
 
"Well, that’s too bad.  I was here, and you could have."
 
Moral of the tale:  Don't mess with Senior Citizens…….

If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.   
 
A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat. 
 
A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while a tortoise doesn't
run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years. And they tell 
us to exercise? I don't think so. 
 
Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered: 
 
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. 
 
2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran. 
 
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded. 
 
5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded. 
 
6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it? 
 
7. It was a whole lot easier to get older than it was to get wiser. 
 
8. Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the hydrant. 
 
9. I wish the buck really did stop here, I sure could use a few of 
them. 
 
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents. 
 
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids. 
 
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. 
 
13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom. 
 
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees. 
 
15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess. 
 
16. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . They're everywhere. 
 
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. 
 
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter ..I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after". 
 
19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
 
20. It is a lot better to be seen than viewed.
 
21. Have I sent this message to you before...or did I get it from you?

A Golf Story 

  John, who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland 
  with his buddy, Shawn. 
  
  So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few 
  hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. 
  
  So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who 
  answered the door if they could spend the night. 
  
  'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all 
  to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained, 'and I'm afraid the 
  neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.' 
  
  'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the 
  weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' 
  
  The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in 
  for the night. 
  
  Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They 
  enjoyed a great weekend of golf. 
  
  But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. 
  
  It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that 
  it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf 
  weekend. 
  
  He dropped in on his friend Shawn and asked, "Shawn, do you remember that 
  good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in 
  Scotland about 9 months ago?' 
  
  'Yes, I do,' said Shawn 
  'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the 
  house and pay her a visit?' 
  
  'Well, um, yes!,' Shawn said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 
  'I have to admit that I did.' 
  
  'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?' 
  
  Shawn's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. 
  I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?' 
  
  'She just died and left me everything.' 

[size=48]All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.[/size] 


[size=48]Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen... Aleve is also called Naproxen.[/size] 


[size=48]Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.[/size] 



[size=48]The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.[/size] 



[size=48]After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.[/size] 

[size=48]Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.[/size] 



[size=48]Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer..[/size] 




[size=48]It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.[/size] 




[size=48]Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.[/size] 
[size=48]Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.[/size] 


[size=48]Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. [/size]

[size=48]This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.[/size] 




[size=48]If you don't send this to five old friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the [/size][size=48]world[/size]