JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Katiedot wrote:Oh don't!  These are real life complaints I've had to deal with:

- the ocean is too salty
- the sun is too hot
- your brochure doesn't show any pictures of rain so I want my money back (from a guest who'd booked during the monsoon season)
- we can't swim in the sea because we're scared of fish.  We didn't know there would be fish.
- you don't have my favourite brand of strawberry yoghurt [this complaint delivered by a man throwing a temper tantrum, face down on the floor of our restaurant kicking and screaming - we had his favourite brand of German bio-yoghurt but not the strawberry flavour]
- I'm very important in the United States and I expect you to put out the red carpet wherever I go in the hotel.  Also, you have to upgrade me to a suite [this in a hotel that doesn't have ANY carpeting anywhere from a guest who didn't register in a single google or nexis search!]
- I can't swim and I don't like sandy beaches [I really wonder why they booked a beach resort holiday]

Katiedot wrote:
- you don't have my favourite brand of strawberry yoghurt [this complaint delivered by a man throwing a temper tantrum, face down on the floor of our restaurant kicking and screaming - we had his favourite brand of German bio-yoghurt but not the strawberry flavour]

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.  Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am.
 
'About 32,' is the reply.'
 
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
 
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. 
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'  The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
 
Now she's feeling really good about herself.  She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.  She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
 
The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
 
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
 
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
 
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going.  Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.  It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra..  Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.' 
 
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her.  She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
 
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.  He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.  He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
 
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay.....How old am I?'
 
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'
 
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'
 
'I was behind you at McDonald's

It Can be Hard Keeping a Straight Face as a COURT REPORTER

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY:    What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS:       He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY:    And why did that upset you?
WITNESS:       My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:    This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS:       Yes.
ATTORNEY:    And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS:       I forget..
ATTORNEY:    You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY:    Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it
                        until the next morning?
WITNESS:       Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY:    The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS:       He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________ 

ATTORNEY:    Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS:       Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY:    So the date of conception (of the baby) was [url=x-apple-data-detectors://10]August 8th[/url]?
WITNESS:       Yes.
ATTORNEY:    And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS:       Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:    She had three children, right?
WITNESS:       Yes.
ATTORNEY:    How many were boys?
WITNESS:       None.
ATTORNEY:    Were there any girls?
WITNESS:       Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:    How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS:       By death…
ATTORNEY:    And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS:       Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:    Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS:       He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY:    Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS:       Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________




 
ATTORNEY:    Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your
                        attorney?
WITNESS:       No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY:    Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS:       All of them... The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY:    ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS:       Oral...
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY:    Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS:       The autopsy started around [url=x-apple-data-detectors://11]8:30 PM[/url]
ATTORNEY:    And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS:       If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:    Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS:       No.
ATTORNEY:    Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS:       No.
ATTORNEY:    Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS:       No…
ATTORNEY:    So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS:       No.
ATTORNEY:    How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS:       Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY:    I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS:       Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

pattygirl wrote:Anger Management Does Work
                                                       
                               
When you occasionally have a really bad day,
And you just need to take it out on someone,
Don't take it out on someone you know,
Take it out on someone you don't know,
But you know deserves it.
    
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered
A phone call I'd forgotten to make.
    
I found the number and dialed it.
  
A man answered, saying
'Hello..'
    
I politely said,
'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'
    
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear
'Get the right f***ing number!'
And the phone was slammed down on me.
    
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
  
When I tracked down Robyn's correct number
To call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
    
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
    
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled
'You're an asshole!'
And hung up.
    
I wrote his number down
With the word 'asshole' next to it.
And put it in my desk drawer.
    
Every couple of weeks,
When I was paying bills or had a really bad day,
I'd call him up and yell,
'You're an asshole!'
  
It always cheered me up.
    
When Caller ID was introduced,
I thought my therapeutic 'asshole'
calling would have to stop.
    
So, I called his number and said,
'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company.  I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'
      
He yelled
'NO!'
And slammed down the phone.
    
I quickly called him back and said,
'That's because you're an asshole!'
And hung up.
  
One day I was at the store,
Getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
  
Some guy in a black BMW
Cut me off and pulled into the spot
I had patiently waited for.    
I hit the horn and yelled
That I'd been waiting for that spot.
But the idiot ignored me.
    
I noticed a 'For Sale' sign in his back window,
So I wrote down his number.
    
A couple of days later,
Right after calling the first asshole
(I had his number on speed dial)
I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.
  
I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'
    
He said, 'Yes, it is.'
    
I then asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'
  
He said, 'Yes, I live at  34 Oaktree Blvd. , in  Fairfax. It's a yellow ranch style house
And the car's parked right out in front.'
    
I asked, 'What's your name?'
  
He said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'
      
I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'
    
He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'
  
I said,
'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'
  
He said, 'Yes?'
    
I said,
'Don, you're an asshole!'
    
Then I hung up,
And added his number to my speed dial, too.
    
Now, when I had a problem,
I had two assholes to call.
  
Then I came up with an idea...
    
I called asshole #1.
   
He said, 'Hello'
  
I said,
'You're an asshole!'
(But I didn't hang up.)
  
He asked,
'Are you still there?'
    
I said,
'Yeah!'
    
He screamed, 'Stop calling me'
    
I said, 'Make me.'
    
He asked, 'Who are you?'
  
I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'
  
He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'
    
I said,
'Asshole, I live at 34 Oak Tree Blvd., in  Fairfax ,
A yellow ranch style home and
I have a black Beamer parked in front.'
    
He said,
'I'm coming over right now, Don.
And you had better start saying your prayers.'
    
I said,
'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,'
And hung up.
  
Then I called Asshole #2.
    
He said, 'Hello?'
    
I said, 'Hello, asshole,'
    
He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'
    
I said, 'You'll what?'
    
He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass'
    
I answered, 'Well, asshole, here's your chance.
I'm coming over right now.'
  
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I was on my way over to 34 Oak Tree Blvd, in  Fairfax , to kill
my gay lover.
    
Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Oak Tree Blvd in  Fairfax ..

I quickly got into my car and headed over to  Fairfax.
  
I got there just in time to watch two assholes
beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter
and surrounded by a news crew.
    
NOW I feel much better.
  
Anger management really does w 
​ork​

[size=32]Beer & Colonoscopy[/size]  
 
It was my first time visiting Dr Putz for a [size=32]colonoscopy.[/size]  
I went into his office for my first rectal exam.  
His new blonde nurse, Evelyn, took me to an examining room.  
She told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me.
She said that he would only be a few minutes.  
After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down.  
While waiting I observed there were three items on a stand next to the exam table:  
A Tube of K-Y jelly,  
A rubber glove  
And a beer  
.  
When Dr. Putz finally came in I said,     "Look Doc", I'm a little confused.  This is my first exam.  
I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the  
BEER is for?"  
 
At that, Doctor Putz became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door.  
He flung the door open and yelled to his new blonde nurse, "Damn it, Evelyn !  
[size=32]I said a [/size] [size=32]BUTT LIGHT"[/size]

.

Joanna wrote:Oh No PP.....have you been out to measure it yet...
in your Pink Wellies ?
Keep warm and dry. 


PS.  Your selfie has come out real fine !

PigPen wrote:Never offended Joanna.  We banter, we debate, sometimes even argue.  But never get offended.

 


> An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time, became
> very bored and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside
> that said: Dr. Geezer's clinic. "Get your treatment for $500, if not cured
> get back $1,000."
>
> Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans
> about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.
>
> So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic. This is what transpired.
>
> Dr. Young: --- "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth." can you
> please help me ??
> Dr. Geezer: --- "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops
> in Dr. Young's mouth."
>
> Dr. Young: --- Aaagh !! -- "This is Gasoline!"
>
> Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be
> $500."
>
> Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to
> recover his money.
>
> Dr Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
>
> Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the
> patient's mouth."
>
> Doctor Young: "Oh no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!"
>
> Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be
> $500."
>
> Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after
> several more days.
>
> Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see !!!!
>
> Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so -- " Here's
> your$1000 back."
>
> Dr. Young: "But this is only $500..."
>
> Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."
>
> Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can
> outsmart an old "Geezer "

The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act. For $200, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!
 
The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouts, 'Don't do it!  I lied when I told you I inherited money.
HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.  HE paid for your season Patriots tickets.   HE paid for our house at the lake. HE paid for your African tour and 4x4.  HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!
 
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do? The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.'



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A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just goes ballistic, telling her not to dare go out like that! The teenager tells her  'Loosen up Grams.. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!'    And out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate...The grandmother says, 'Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.

 HAPPY GARDENING.
 DON'T MESS WITH A SENIOR CITIZEN!!!


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A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some schoolwork."   The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies." Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son.

Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
 
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." 
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."  The robot slaps the mother.  
 
 Robot for sale.