JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Brilliant...loved the Lego interpretation too.

I think we need a thread devoted to Eddie's humour.

This was sent to me in an email today!

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"Ok," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know shit?"

And then went back to reading her book.

Never seen eddie izzard before - too funny and true...

Best in Category wrote:Never seen eddie izzard before - too funny and true...

Plenty more on YouTube...The Noah's Ark one is Brilliant !

the fast cut
I fear....
there is more

right?

My wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night.
I told her I was looking for cheap flights.

"I love you!" she said, and then she got all excited.
That night we had the most amazing sex ever....

Which is odd, because she’s never shown an interest in darts before?

it's me wrote:the fast cut
I fear....
there is more

right?

No IM....that's the punch line....Lol

You Don't Find Many Heroes Like This One !

On September 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?" She says, "I'm going to commit suicide."
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a “Be-A-Legend” opportunity either, so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.

After they finished, George gets approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
……It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

so many good jokes here. thanks to everyone for sharing

Oh CindiGirl! Spit coffee and peed my pants a little! Didn't see that one coming!!

>>>These great questions and answers are from the days when Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now!
>>>
>>>Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
>>>
>>>A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
>>>
>>>(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
>>>
>>>
>>>Q. Do female frogs croak?
>>>
>>>A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
>>>
>>>
>>>Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
>>>
>>>A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
>>>
>>>
>>>Q. True or False, a peacan last as long as 5,000 years...
>>>
>>>A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
>>>
>>>
>>>Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
>>>
>>>A.. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
>>>
>>>
>>>Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and
>>>you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
>>>
>>>A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
>>>
>>>
>>>Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
>>>
>>>A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..
>>>
>>>
>>>Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
>>>
>>>A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
>>>
>>>
>>>Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your
>>>hands while talking?
>>>
>>>A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter,
>>>and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
>>>
>>>
>>>Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
>>>
>>>A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
>>>
>>>
>>>Q.. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going
>>>to get any during the first year?
>>>
>>>A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
>>>
>>>
>>>Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
>>>
>>>A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
>>>
>>>
>>>Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
>>>
>>>A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
>>>
>>>
>>>Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
>>>
>>>A.. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
>>>
>>>
>>>Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
>>>
>>>A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
>>>
>>>
>>>Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
>>>
>>>A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..
>>>
>>>
>>>Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting
>>>into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
>>>
>>>A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the Army.
>>>
>>>
>>>Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head,
>>>what was he trying to do?
>>>
>>>A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
>>>
>>>
>>>Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
>>>
>>>A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
>>>
>>>
>>>Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has
>>>actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
>>>
>>>A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
>>>
>>>
>>>Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
>>>
>>>A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.
>>>
>>>
>>>WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD,
>>>WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING
>>>
>>>

cindigirl wrote:You Don't Find Many Heroes Like This One !

On September 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?" She says, "I'm going to commit suicide."
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a “Be-A-Legend” opportunity either, so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.

After they finished, George gets approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
……It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

Brahahahahahahahahahahaha** breathe** hahahahahahahaha!

PattyGirl, thanks for the memories!

Neck Exercises....
Left....Right....Left....Right....

My neck feels better already! However, I'm having a very difficult time pulling the screen open to see on down below his bellybutton.

You need a Special Password for that facility Mel !

PLEASE can I have it??????????????????????

Oh oooorllll right then...tomorrow !

never heard Annie's Tomorrow done disco.

I remember it in

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0106673/

Fireman pole dancing

http://www.toilette-humor.com/funny_female_humor/the_fireman.shtml

Joanna,
So funny. Husband was a firefighter and he'd have really loved that one. Thanks so much.

Haven't we all felt like this some days ?


http://www.toilette-humor.com/funny_videos/dont_pack_your_garbage_can_to_tightly.shtml

http://www.toilette-humor.com/funny_female_humor/the_fireman.shtml

Joanna wrote:

I love the cat picture. Hmmm somehow it looks like me when I get up in the morning and before my cup of coffee. LOL

Preferred sex positions

It has been determined that the most used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position. The husband sits up and begs. The wife rolls over and plays dead!

And then there's my favorite position. The missionary position - woman on the bottom, man in Africa.

GRANDPARENTS ANSWERING MACHINE

Good morning . . . At present we are not at home but,please Leave your message after you hear the beep.
beeeeeppp ....

If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5 in order of "arrival" so we know who it is.

If you need us to stay with the children, press 2

If you want to borrow the car, press 3

If you want us to wash your clothes and ironing, press 4

If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5

If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6

If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home, press 7

If you want to come to eat here, press 8

If you need money,press 9


If you are going to invite us to dinner, or, taking us to the theater , start talking we are listening !!!!!!!!!!!"

WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?
(Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)

Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other people's.

A grandfather is a man, & a grandmother is a lady!

Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them … They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.

They show us and talk to us about the colors of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'

They don't say, 'Hurry up.'

Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.

They wear glasses and funny underwear.

Grandparents don't have to be smart.

They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?'

When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.

They know we should have a snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.

GRANDPA IS THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH! HE TEACHES ME GOOD THINGS, BUT I DON'T GET TO SEE HIM ENOUGH TO GET AS SMART AS HIM!

SWEET! THANKS!!!

A little girl's prayer for her Grand Dad....

"Please God, send some clothes
For those poor ladies
On Grand Dad's computer. Amen."

A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit
beside you?
The girl replied with a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the students in the library started staring at the guy;
he was truly embarrassed.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said:
"I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking.
Iguess you felt embarrassed, right?”

The guy then responded with a loud voice: “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!”

All the people in the library looked at the girl who was now in shock.
The guy whispered in her ear:
"I study law, and I know how to screw people."

Is this George on his way to the movie set? Lot´s of snow in Berlin I see.

Good for him devising a whole new way of getting around in the snow.

cindigirl wrote:

Joanna wrote:

I love the cat picture. Hmmm somehow it looks like me when I get up in the morning and before my cup of coffee. LOL

Me too. Here it´s the opposite, I look like that in the evening

Church Ladies
With typewriters.
They're Back!
Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank Goodness for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins.
--------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals...
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water.
The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.
Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell'
to someone who doesn't care much about you...
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in
their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow...
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of
some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5pm - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7pm there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come
prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10am. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall
after the B. S. Is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7pm. Please use the back door.
--------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7pm. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7pm at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:
"I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours".

Lol!

Actor joke

Forgetful Actor

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"

The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again. Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming! "You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!" The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?" "No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"

The largest condom factory in the States burned down.

President Obama was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.
"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency!
I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has
burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of the week."

Obama: "Oh damn! The economy will never be able to cope with all
those unwanted babies. We'll be ruined. We'll have to ship some in
from Mexico ....."

Telephone voice says, "Bad idea... The Mexicans will have a field day
with this one. We'll be a laughing stock. What about the UK " ?

Obama: "Okay, I'll call Cameron and tell him we need five million
condoms, ten inches long and three inches thick. That way, they'll
continue to respect us as Americans."

Three days later, a delighted President Obama ran out to open the
first of the 10,000 boxes that had just arrived.
He found it full of condoms, 10 inches long and 3 inches thick, exactly as requested...

All coloured with Union Jacks with small writing on each one:
MADE IN ENGLAND - SIZE: SMALL

8 little white lies men tell women

According to research men lie an average of three times a day.
Here are some of their most common porky pies…

“Sorry, I missed your call/my battery died/I had no signal.”

Actually ladies, he/it didn’t. He was screening. This could be because he feels you’re being too needy, is thinking of splitting up or just because he fancies a bit of “me-time” occasionally. Don’t hold it against him.

“I’m on my way.”

He usually uses this one as a way to curtail situations or gatherings that he’d rather not be at. He never really wanted to go to your grandparents anniversary dinner, but he knew he couldn’t bail completely without you getting upset, so turns up late to lessen the ordeal. Yes, it’s a bit lame, but it makes him feel like he’s in control so let it slide for now.

“No, your bum does not look big in that.”

Give the guy a break. He knows there is only one answer to the question “Does my bum look big in this?” and the truth doesn’t even come into it. If you’re feeling insecure about your figure it’s his job to make you feel better about it no matter what he really thinks. You should be grateful he cares enough to bolster your confidence.

“Let’s talk about it later”

You’ve got to admire him for this one. It’s a clever way of placating you and averting a possible argument. Of course, he has no intention of bringing the subject up again if he can help it. That would involve talking about feelings and emotions and stuff!
Dream on.

“I love your family/friends.”

He’s smart and knows just how much importance you place on your friends and family. They’re important to you so he wants you to think they’re important to him too. He probably doesn’t enjoy popping over to your mum’s for dinner every week or hanging out with your best friends quite as much as he says he does. He’d rather be at home with his feet up watching the box, but he cares about you enough to do it, so you’ve nothing to complain about.

“I wasn’t looking at her.”

No matter how gorgeous you are, there isn’t a man alive who has eyes for just one woman. Don’t waste your energy getting upset because he always perks up when the girl from that sun tan advert pops up on TV. He might find her attractive, but it’s you he’s with and as long as he’s not acting on those impulses there’s really no harm in it.

“I'm sorry.”

Now here are two little words he uses liberally as all-purpose tool to get him off the hook and avert an argument. Once he’s apologised for whatever it is he’s supposedly done and promised to make amends, there’s not much you can come back at him with, even if you suspect it’s not really a heart felt apology.
It’s quite clever really.

“It wasn’t that expensive and I bought it for us, not just me.”

Boys like their gadgets. If he’s succumb to shelling out for the latest 3D TV when he knows you’re supposed to be saving up for a holiday, so he needs to make it sound like it was a truly un-missable deal as well as point out how useful it will be for you too. Don’t be fooled. He bought it for himself and you’ll be lucky if you ever get a chance to be in charge of the remote.

Some sound advice...

"Don't have Phone Sex....
You might get Hearing Aids"

Bill Clinton started jogging near his home in Chappaqua.
>
> But on each run he happened to jog past a hooker
> standing on the same
> street corner, day after day.
>
> With some apprehension he would brace himself as
> he approached her for what
> was most certainly to follow.
>
> "Fifty dollars!" she would cry out from the curb.
>
> "No, Five dollars!" fired back Clinton
>
> This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued for days.
>
> He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty dollars!"
>
> And he'd yell back, "Five dollars!"
>
> One day however, Hillary decided that she
> wanted to accompany her husband on his jog!
>
> As the jogging couple neared the problematic street
> corner, Bill realized the "pro" would
> bark her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder what
> he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
>
> He realized he should have a darn good explanation
> for the Secretary of State.
>
> As they jogged into the turn that would take them
> past the corner,
>
> Bill became even more apprehensive than usual.
>
> Sure enough, there was the hooker!
>
> Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she
> watched the pair jog past.
>
> Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled...
>
> See what you get for five bucks!?"

hahahaha! Good one PattyGirl!