JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Anyone fancy having their windows cleaned ?


http://www.toilette-humor.com/funny_female_humor/the_window_washer.shtml

Subject: Fw: Little Johnny

Teacher asks the kids in class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?

"Little Johnny: "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive
clubs, take the best b*tch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a
million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris , a jet to travel through Europe , an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson.

And you, Susie?

" I wanna be Johnny's bitch!"

Thanks for the laughs ladies! I forget to come to this thread, I must come more often. Makes me feel better!

Smack the pony is so funny!
Not showing here anymore

hu! what was that?!?!?!

A Young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"

Professor: Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"

Student: "OK. So I’d like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is.
If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A".

Professor: "Hmmmm, all right. So what’s the question?"

Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal,
and neither logical nor legal? "

The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.

The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can’t get the answer.

So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer:
"What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?"

To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands.

"All right" says the professor and asks his favorite student to answer

"It's quite easy, sir" says the student
"You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical.
Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal.
And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him
an "A", which is neither legal, nor logical."

pattygirl that Clinton hooker Clinton one was funny!

An Aussie bloke brandishing a revolver walks into
his busy local pub and yells...

"Who's been screwing my wife?"

A voice from the back of the bar shouts..:

"You don't have enough ammo, mate!"

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.

Inside he finds a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall there's a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in.

"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

The priest replies: "Get out, you moron, you're on my side”.

hehehe

The Winter Boots(Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this)Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her pupils put on his boots?

He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.' She looked, and sure enough, they were.

It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on.

She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet. He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.' She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so? ' like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.

No sooner had they got the boots off when he said, 'They're my brother's boots. My Mum made me wear 'em.' Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?'

He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'

She will be eligible for parole in three years.

Brilliant Cindi.....Lol

I've sent it on and given you a greenie...

Jesus and the Democrat

A Republican man in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. He looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"

The waitress nodded "yes," so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.

The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus, over there?"

The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there honey! How's about gettin' me a cold mug of Budweiser?" He too looked across the restaurant and asked, "Isn't that God's boy over there?

The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give him a cold beer. "On my tab," he said loudly.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt strength come back into his legs, got up, and walked out the door, thankful to Jesus.

Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up, and grateful to the Lord, he raised his hands, praised the Lord, and walked out the door.

Then, Jesus walked towards the Democrat, just smiling. (I don't care what party you like, this one's funny!) The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me...I'm collecting disability."

ROTFL!

Orson Welles Advice

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four.
Unless there are three other people.
–Orson Welles

Received some amazing old adverts by email....

Please don't shoot the messenger

Unbelievable !!

And does this help?

[img][/img]

amazing advs!!!

where did you find them?

it's me wrote:amazing advs!!!

where did you find them?

A friend emailed them to me today.

gimme so toothache drops!

If it helps for toothache - sure it helps for anything else!

Explanation, Please!

There was this couple who had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.

One night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator! It was soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic.

"You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly, "I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids."

Isn't Ancient History Great!

In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dorothy.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known.

He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO," said Abraham.

And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.

It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began. And that's the truth.

And THAT is priceless PattyGirl!

OMGosh Pattygirl. That was great

Thanks patty....that's going off to mates via this
new fangled email thingy !

Men will never change - it's what makes the world go 'round. But it's the distractions that do them in. lol

I especially like nos. 2, 3, 4 and 5.

What I do not understand is, how will this man get into his room without key?

l loved the video my favourite has to be 3,4

all were beautiful!!! thanks

good belly laff from all of those !

Dior wrote:What I do not understand is, how will this man get into his room without key?

Good point since he gave her his key. But I just assumed that he had two keys, which you can often request from the hotel for your room.

PREGNANT AT 71

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst outscreaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped
her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older
doctor marched down The hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard."What is the matter with you?!" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs.
Terry is 71 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren,
and you told her she was pregnant?"
The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said,


"Does she still have the hiccups?"

LOL !

When the NASA scientists figured out ballpoint pens don't work in space they spent $12 billion and a decade to make on the works in zero gravity, under water, on any surface including glass, and up to 300 degrees Celsius.

the Russians used a pencil

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes down stairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" ... he asks solemnly. The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when you father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues... "Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years". "I remember that too", she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"

A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink and were watching the six o'clock news on television. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge.

The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"

Anyway, sure enough, the man jumped The blonde gave the redhead $50.

The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend."

The blonde said, "No, a bet's a bet."

So the redhead said, "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on TV on the five o'clock news, so I can't take your money."

The blonde says, "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"

AND ONE MORE:

A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The Republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.

The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, he decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republican's pocket and gave the homeless person fifty dollars.

Belgian humor

Some funny picks a friend sent to me...