JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

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awwww adorable the kids ones !!!

theminis wrote:Some funny picks a friend sent to me...

I laughed so long and loud at this one you just don't know how you made my day.

Describes my neighbors to a TEE!

The innocence of children...

NUDITYI was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'
OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a new starter handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents .'
KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'
POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at a primary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'
POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked. 'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'
ELDERLY
While working for an organisation that delivers lunches to the elderly, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'
DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.' 'And why not, darling?' 'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'
SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'
BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. 'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'


NOW IF THIS DIDN'T BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY, GO BACK TO BED AND FORGET IT

Thanks Cindi! Loved these.

I higly needed them
THAAAAANKSSSSSSS

Those are brill Cindi

Thanks CindiGirl!

ALWAYS CHOOSE A MEMORABLE PASSWORD

A lady helps her husband install a new computer. Once it is completed, she tells him to select a password,
selecting a word that he'll always remember.

As the computer asks him to enter it, he looks at his wife and with a macho gesture and a wink in his eye, he selects a word: mypenis. As he hits "enter", to validate the selection, his wife collapses with laughter and rolls on the floor in hysteria!!

The computer had replied: TOO SHORT- ACCESS DENIED!

Always REMEMBER this: You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing.

I'm also rolling on the floor in hysteria

get a look to the link

http://www.repubblica.it/esteri/2013/02/22/foto/_avevi_un_lavoro_l_ironia_del_web_sugli_errori_madornali-53163168/#26

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Five Horses Is Her Name"

"Five Horses Is Her Name"
This is mythical and deep ... Truly beautiful.

A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name. He replied, "She is called Five Horses." The man said, "That's an unusual name for a wife. What does it mean?" The Old Indian answered,"It is an old Indian name. It means ... "

"NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!"

Too Cute not to share!!

Annie, 6 years old, gets home from school ..
She had her first family planning lesson at school.

Her mother, very interested, asks; " How did it go?"

"I died of shame!" She answers!

Sissy from over the road, says that the stork brings babies.
Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage.
Pete in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital.


Her mother answers laughingly But that's no reason to be ashamed?

No, but I can't tell them that we were so poor that daddy & you had to make me yourselves."

LOOOL

That's soooo cute - thanks Patty.

cute <3

Every once in a while a good one comes along...
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought...


He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers. (Wait for it)

She smiled and explained,

"I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

(Oh, just hush-up and send this one on to somebody who needs a laugh!)

is it for some kids race?



we have

Pronti
Attenti
Via!!!!

— Mommy mommy, what's an orgasm ?
— I don't know, ask your father."

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— Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. No need to remind him every 6 months about it.

I´ve been laughing at these two, tired yes, I need a day between saturday and sunday...

Dear iPhone, I have typed "haha" like a million times, yet you continually give me "haga", "hsha", "gaga"... I hate you.

Best in Category wrote:Dear iPhone, I have typed "haha" like a million times, yet you continually give me "haga", "hsha", "gaga"... I hate you.

Change the text mode from predicted text ? Is that your problem ?

This made me laugh....

Joanna wrote:This made me laugh....

I had that same "pause" before I got this joke than I lost it. Good one!

Just got back today and really enjoyed the jokes.

Here's another one:

HOLY E-MAIL
One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on...

So He called His angels and sent one to earth for a time.

When the angel returned, he told God,'Yes, it is bad on earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.
God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.'

So God called another angel and sent her to earth for a time.

When the angel returned she went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true. The earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good...' God was not pleased.

So He decided to e-mail the 5% who were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going. Do you know what the e-mail said?

Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either. So - they must have lost my email address. LOL

I didn't get one either Cindi !

Blonde men jokes - this had to happen. LOL

A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you & your wife are having sex.
The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."
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A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"
He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
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A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet. The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me".
The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
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A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
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A blond man shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor. "No", he shouts, "this is her husband!"
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A blonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the road. The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"
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A blonde man's dog goes missing and he is frantic. His wife says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing. "What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks. "Here boy!" he replies..
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A blond man is in jail.. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks. "Hanging myself," the blond replies. "It should be around your neck" says the guard.
"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe".
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(This one actually makes sense...sort of...lol)
An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."

LOL

and thanks for the exchange

LOOOOL !!!

Thought for the day.....


A best friend is one who will get rid of
all of your sex toys if you should suddenly die.

hahahaha!!! You best get a direct and quick flight Joanna! Maybe George would lend you his private plane! My son would die himself of embarassment! Oh, and could you also take down all my George pictures that I have taped up? Thanks!!! You're a true friend!

Message received and understood Mel.

To whom should I send the account for my expenses ?

ROFL Jo and Mel. Here's a somewhat sarcastic joke but oh soooo true.

A young man walked into the local welfare office to pick up his
check. He marched up to the counter and said, " Hi. You know, I just
HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like
taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We
just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.

"You'll have to drive around in his 2012 Mercedes - Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her
overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges. The daughter is in her mid-20 's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well... You started it."

He he he....good one Cindi gal !

Go to google and search for callhim, click on the first link and type your first name. Then click and watch....

See...problems existed before Internet dating !

This SO true....this evening I reminded hubby to put out
the wheelie bin for collection in the morning.
He got freezing cold out in the snow doing that.
Then we both realised it was a day early !
So he had to get cold again bringing it back into the garden.

"Old age ain't no place for sissies"
Bette Davis

Ok. I have a funny Clooney story for you. When I met Mr. George Clooney on March 26, 2008, I told my mail lady Becky on April 1, which is April Fools Day.
So here is our conversation:
Katie: Hey, I met George Clooney.
Becky: Yeah Right
Katie: No seriously! He was in Salisbury, NC.
Becky: Sure
Katie: For real!!!
Becky: Uh Huh.
Katie: Seriously! Pam, tell her!
Pam: She really did meet him Becky!
Becky: Sure.

I thought it was funny.

For all the philosophers out there . . . unravelling the mysteries of the universe. Here's the answer for a timeless question .....

What deep thinkers men are...

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought about an age old question:

Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case. Time for another beer.

Sarah Silverman IS f#####g Matt Damon.....

http://www.fanpop.com/clubs/matt-damon/videos/26244473/title/sarah-silverman-fucking-matt-damon

Thanks for that Jo - that was freakin' hilarious!!!

cindigirl wrote:Thanks for that Jo - that was freakin' hilarious!!!

Yes I thought so too cindi !

He comes across as having a great sense of humour and that must be one of the reasons why
he gets on so well with our George !

and here is Jimmy's response to Sarah's video:

Oh thanks for the laugh over my coffee Mel.....the choir scenes are so funny.

I just love both videos!!!

That is a classic. Fantastic!!!!

Very funny

Yesterday my daughter again asked why I didn't do something useful with my time. Talking about my "doing something useful" seemed to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of me", and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.

I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business.

I told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She said, "Are you nuts? You're almost 79 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.

She said to me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

"I'm in trouble again, and I don't know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week." I told her.

She fainted.

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.