Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

by LornaDoone Thu 18 Dec 2014, 03:55

LizzyNY wrote:Lorna- You said "Take a plane". I agree - Preferably a different one from the rest of your relatives!

HA!

by pattygirl Thu 18 Dec 2014, 21:04

RETRIBUTION!

Their three kids, all successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

"Happy anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed Son No. 1. �Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient; you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."

"Not to worry," said the father. "Important thing is we're all together today."
Son No. 2 arrived. "You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from LA between depositions & didn't have time to shop for you."

"It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."

Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and Happy Anniversary! Sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town & I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."

After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were really poor, but we managed to send each of you to college. Through the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."

The three children gasped and said, "WHAT? You mean we're bastards?"

�Yep," said the father, "Cheap ones too."

by Joanna Mon 22 Dec 2014, 13:19

THE SENIORS' PRENUPTIAL DISCUSSION

>>An couple in their early 80s is about to get married.
>>
>>Before they say their vows the woman wants to talk about arrangements following their marriage:
>
>>She said: "I want to keep my house."

>>He said: "That's fine with me."

>>She said: "I want to keep my Cadillac."
>
>>He said: "That's fine with me."

>>She said: "I want to have sex 6 times a week."
>
>>He said: " Fine. Put me down for Fridays".

by pattygirl Mon 22 Dec 2014, 17:03

Brains of older people are slow because they know so much.
People do not decline mentally with age, it just takes them longer to recall facts because they have more information in their brains, scientists believe. Much like a computer struggles as the hard drive gets full up, so to do humans take longer to access information, it has been suggested.
Researchers say this slowing down it is not the same as cognitive decline.

The human brain works slower in old age, said Dr. Michael Ramscar, but only because we have stored more information over time the brains of older people do not get weak. On the contrary, they simply know more.

Also, older people often go to another room to get something and when they get there, they stand there wondering what they came for. It is NOT a memory problem, it is nature's way of making older people do more exercise.

I have more friends I should send this too, but right know I can't remember their names.
So please forward it to your friends, they may be my friends too.

by pattygirl Tue 23 Dec 2014, 19:04

[ltr][size=32][size=13][size=27] Roberts Wedding

Robert , 85, married Jenny,
a lovely 25 year old . . .
Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Robert should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door.
Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Robert, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Robert takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Robert, Again he is ready for more 'action'.

Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more
coupling. When the newly weds are done, Robert kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it Robert is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25 - year - old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other.

But as Robert gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often.I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Robert.'

Robert, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says:

'You mean I was here already?'

The moral of the story:
Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.

PS..
Have I sent this to you already?[/size][/size][/ltr][/size]

by it's me Tue 23 Dec 2014, 20:11

looool !!!

by amaretti Tue 23 Dec 2014, 20:59

Ha ha ha ha. He he heeeeeee

by pattygirl Sat 27 Dec 2014, 17:45

MONDAY

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that

her daughter was having sex...

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the

family’s status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug

her mother, saying,

'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'

TUESDAY

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake thepreacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I’ll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon.

Damned good!'

The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't useprofanity.'

The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'

The preacher said, 'No shit?'

WEDNESDAY

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed, 'for me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'

THURSDAY

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her

92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her owndefense.

‘Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw,

he could fly.'

FRIDAY

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa .

'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.

High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, ‘Wedding Cake.'

SATURDAY

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, ‘Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age,' Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'

Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

SUNDAY

Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Switzerland . As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.

'These,' she explained, 'are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'

A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!'

by pattygirl Sat 27 Dec 2014, 17:47

. . . Complete and Finished . . .

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these two words. In a recent linguistic competition held in London and attended by, supposedly, the best in the world, Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes.

The final question was: How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand? Some people say there is NO difference between
COMPLETE and FINISHED.

Here is his astute answer: "When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED and when the right one catches you with the
wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!!!

He won a trip around the world and a case of 25 year old Scotch!

by melbert Sat 27 Dec 2014, 21:20

by pattygirl Tue 30 Dec 2014, 21:50

THE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more kids.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.

'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can (COORS), then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.

'The Alabamian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to ear
is going to help me.

''Trust me,' said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

(you'll love this.)

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, Parts of Georgia, Missouri, West Virginia, and
All of Washington DC ...

by pattygirl Fri 02 Jan 2015, 00:42

> Sister Mary entered the Monastery of Silence.
>
> The Priest said; “Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here
> as long as you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so.”
>
> Sister Mary lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to
> her,
> “Sister Mary, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words.”
>
> Sister Mary said, “Hard bed.”
> “I'm sorry to hear that,” the Priest said, “We will get you a better bed.”
>
> After another 5 years, Sister Mary was summoned by the Priest.
> “You may say another two words, Sister Mary.”
> “Cold food,” said Sister Mary, and the Priest assured her that the food
> would be better in the future.
> On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister
> Mary in to his office.
>
> “You may say two words today.”
>
> “I quit,” said Sister Mary.
> “It's probably best,” said the Priest, “You've done nothing but bitch
> since you got here.

by Way2Old4Dis Fri 02 Jan 2015, 19:21

I never post here, but God, these are funny.

Thanks, pattygirl.

by melbert Sat 03 Jan 2015, 03:16

PattyGirl and Joanna have the BEST JOKES EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

by Joanna Sun 04 Jan 2015, 17:15

From my other male joke mate.....

What deep thinkers men are...

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing
and I said 'nothing'.
The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking'
is because she would have said 'about what'.

At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead
to other questions.

Finally I thought about an age old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked
in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say,
"You know, I think I would like another
kick in the nuts."

I rest my case. Time for another beer.

by Joanna Sun 04 Jan 2015, 17:16

Thanks Mel. Thumbs up!

by Joanna Sun 04 Jan 2015, 17:39

The following is an actual question given on a
University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question:
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands, and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in
Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same,
the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa
during my Freshman Year, 2012, that,

'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,'
and take into account the fact that I finally slept with her last night, then number two must be true;

thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic
and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ...
leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence
of a divine being, which explains why, last night,
Teresa kept saying

"Oh My God" !!!!!

by Joanna Wed 07 Jan 2015, 15:04

HOLY PROSTITUTES

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway

when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye...

It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination
and drives on without second thought.

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for rea and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls
into the drive.

On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building
with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell.
The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit
who asks,

'What may we do for you! my son?'

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.'
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.

The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man,
'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit,
holding a tin cup answers the door.

This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in
the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.

YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY

THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

by Joanna Wed 07 Jan 2015, 15:06

Christmas Lights

I love CHRISTMAS LIGHTS, they remind me of Politicians.
They all hang together , half the buggers don't work, and the ones that do aren't that bright.

by Carla97 Wed 07 Jan 2015, 19:54

Just do it.
No.
Just do it later.
Have a snack instead.
Maybe a nap too.
Seriously, just take it easy.
Take a load off, buddy.
You earned it.
Eat the whole cake.
Eat the whole coddamned thing.

by Way2Old4Dis Wed 07 Jan 2015, 20:52

This is too long to post. Our non-USA members might not 'get' them, but most of them are pretty funny.

http://news.distractify.com/beth-buczynski/sarcastic-state-mottos/

by melbert Thu 08 Jan 2015, 02:31

Love the jokes today. I needed them! Thanks girls!

by LornaDoone Thu 08 Jan 2015, 04:05

Way2Old4Dis wrote:This is too long to post. Our non-USA members might not 'get' them, but most of them are pretty funny.

http://news.distractify.com/beth-buczynski/sarcastic-state-mottos/

I like the Hawaii one. Pretty much spot on! HA!

by LizzyNY Thu 08 Jan 2015, 13:43

I wonder what George would say about the Kentucky entry?

by Carla97 Thu 08 Jan 2015, 18:37

thanks for the laughs, state jokes were funny and some (the most of them) spot on….

by pattygirl Thu 08 Jan 2015, 19:37

THE CHURCH DINNER!

A group of friends from the Cottonwood Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.
When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts, Janet wanted to outdo all the others. She decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. But mushrooms are expensive. She then told her husband, "No mushrooms. They are too expensive."
He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There's plenty in the creek bed."
She said, "No, some wild mushrooms are poison."
He said, "Well, I see wild animals eating them and they're OK." So Janet decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak.
Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Ol' Spot ate every bite. All morning long, Janet watched Ol' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played '42' and dominoes. About then, the helper lady came in and whispered in Janet's ear.
She said, "Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot is dead."
Janet went into hysterics.
After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.
The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quickly as possible. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm.."
Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road.The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.
One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.
After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now," and he left. They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time the helper lady came in and whispered to Janet, "You know, that fella that run over Ol' Spot never even stopped."

by pattygirl Sat 10 Jan 2015, 17:59

[size=48]T[/size][size=48]he Importance of Walking[/size]

Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $7000 per month..

My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old
and we don't know where he is.

I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

I joined a health club last year,
spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,......
just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

You could run this over to your friends
But just e-mail it to them.

by pattygirl Sat 10 Jan 2015, 18:02

GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH!

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother
2. He liked Gospel
3. He didn't get a fair trial

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands
2. He had wine with His meals
3. He used olive oil

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature
2. He ate a lot of fish
3. He talked about the Great Spirit
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married..
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do

Can I get an AMEN!!

by pattygirl Sat 10 Jan 2015, 18:06

by pattygirl Sat 10 Jan 2015, 18:09

[size=32]Diagnosis[/size]

A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house, a woman complains: "I've been a little sick to my stomach."

The older doctor says: "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick."

As they left, the younger man said: "You didn't even examine that woman?
How do you come to the diagnosis so quickly?"

"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there.

When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick."

The younger doctor said: "Pretty clever. If you don't mind, I think I'll try that at the next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She said that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said: "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

"You've probably been doing too much for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder doctor said: "I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is most certainly correct. She's very active in the church, but how did you arrive at it?"

"I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and, when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the pastor under the bed."

by pattygirl Sat 10 Jan 2015, 18:16

This is great. Enjoy. If you need to use bathroom, please do before watching this or I guarantee you'll wet yourself. Also, put down your coffee cup so you don't destroy your computer keyboard and screen!

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=TxNrizGdhtY

by melbert Sat 10 Jan 2015, 18:24

by Joanna Sun 11 Jan 2015, 18:02

From my joke mate.....an Oldie but a Goodie....

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Ralphy.

He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with
the first gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking..'

Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having
ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH

Little RALPHY returns from school and says he
got an F in arithmetic.

'Why?' asks the father?

'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,''
I said '6', replies RALPHY.

'But that's right!' says his dad.

'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''

'What's the fucking difference?' asks the father.

'That's what I said!'

LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH

Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate..'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY,
that's a mouthful..'

Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking
of a blowjob.'

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with,
'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress
and she looked beautiful in it..'

'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher.

She then called on little Michael.
'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it
turned out beautifully.'

She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.

'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!''

LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER

Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'

Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be
107 years old.'

The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
Little RALPHY answered, 'No, but he minded his own fucking business..'

I LOVE Little RALPHY!!!!!
(and just in case you were wondering, when his father was a lad, they called him Little Johnny!)

by pattygirl Sun 11 Jan 2015, 22:13

I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair.

She turned to me and asked, 'Are you having it catered'?

And that, my friend, is the definition of "OLD"

[size=48]~ ~ ~[/size]

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:

'And what do you think is the best thing

About being 104?' the reporter asked.

She simply replied,

'No peer pressure.'

[size=48]~ ~ ~[/size]

I've sure gotten old!

I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,

New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes

I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,

Take 40 different medications that

Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.

Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation;

Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.

Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.

Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,

I still have my Florida driver's license.

[size=48]~ ~ ~[/size]

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and

Told her preacher she had two final requests.

First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,

She wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.

'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed. 'Why Wal-Mart?'

'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.'

[size=48]~ ~ ~[/size]

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

[size=48]~ ~ ~[/size]

Know how to prevent sagging?

Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

[size=48]~ ~ ~[/size]

It's scary when you start making the same noises

As your coffee maker.

[size=48]~ ~ ~[/size]

These days about half the stuff

In my shopping cart says,

'For fast relief.'

[size=48]~ ~ ~[/size]

THE SENILITY PRAYER:

Grant me the senility to forget the people

I never liked anyway,

The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and

The eyesight to tell the difference.

[size=48]~ ~ ~[/size]

[size=32]Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are![/size]

[size=48]~ ~ ~[/size]

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:

I don't want to brag or make anyone jealous or anything, but I can still fit

into the socks I wore in high school.

by pattygirl Mon 12 Jan 2015, 00:20

>
> Three women go down to Mexico one
> night to celebrate college graduation.
> They got drunk, and woke up in jail, only to find that they
> are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
>
>     The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the
> electric chair and is askedif she has any last words. She says: "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.."
>
> They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all
> immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for
> forgiveness and release her.
>
>     The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and
> gives her last words. "I just graduated from the University of Illinois School of Law, and I believe in the power of Justice to intervene on the behalf of the
> innocent."
>
> They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again,
> they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.
>
>       The last one, a blonde (you knew it),
> is strapped in and says: "Well,> I'm from Texas and just graduated from Texas A&M> with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell all ya'll right now, y'all> ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

by Katiedot Mon 12 Jan 2015, 05:28

hahahaha! Thanks Pattygirl for making my day!

by Joanna Wed 14 Jan 2015, 18:00

Our Ben.....at it agen ! Bless....

http://extratv.com/2015/01/11/benedict-cumberbatch-does-it-again-see-his-best-photobomb-yet/

by pattygirl Sat 17 Jan 2015, 18:29

[size=32]MOTHER[/size]

The year is 2016 and the United States has
elected the first woman President, Susan Goldfarb. She
calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says,
'So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my
inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive, your
father isn't as young as he used to be, and my arthritis
is acting up again.' 'Don't worry about it Mom,
I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you
home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door.'

'I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy,
what on earth would I wear?' Susan replies,
'I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown
custom-made by the best designer in New York.'

'Honey,' Mom complains, 'you know I can't
eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat.'
The President-to-be responds, 'Don't worry Mom. The
entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in
New York, kosher all the way. Mom, I really want you to
come.'

So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2017, Susan
Goldfarb is being sworn in as President of the United
States. In the front row sits the new President's
mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her and
says, 'You see that woman over there with her hand on
the Torah, becoming President of the United States?

The Senator whispers back, 'Yes I do.'

Mom says proudly, 'Her brother is a doctor'.

************************************************************

[size=32](2) ITALIAN MOTHER[/size]

Giuseppe excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love
and that he is going to get married.

He says, 'Just for fun, Mama, I'm going to bring
over three women and you try and guess which one I'm
going to marry.' The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the
house, sits them down on the couch & they chat for a
while. He then says, 'Okay, Mama, guess which one
I'm going to marry?'

Mama says immediately, 'The one on the right. '

'That's amazing, Mama. You're right.
How did you know? '

Mama replies: 'I don't like her!

by pattygirl Wed 21 Jan 2015, 22:26

I DO love little Johnny!!!!

The teacher asked the class to use the word [size=32]'fascinate' in a sentence.
....
Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm,   and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'
....
The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating'.
....
Sally raised her hand. She said, ‘My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.'
....

The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally,   but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'
....
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.   She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him for his offering.
....
Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'
....
The teacher sat down and cried![/size]

by Joanna Thu 22 Jan 2015, 20:18

.....please keep 'em
commin' patty girl !

by PigPen Thu 22 Jan 2015, 22:47

JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS - Page 20 1017473_10152208911930396_240825243_n

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http://www.clooneysopenhouse.com/viewtopic.forum?t=6346

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