JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

OMFE! THAT was funny!

melbert wrote:OMFE!  THAT was funny!

Yes....did you like the English one !!! Lol Lol Lol

Anybody we know??? hahahahahaha

Not exactly a joke. If you have a fear of heights.....
Well it may cure it. Lol

I have fear of height!  

Huh what a video!


A man is taking a woman home after their first date.

When they get to her door, he asks if he can come inside.

"Absolutely not", the woman says. "I never ask a guy to come in on the first date."

"All right then", the man replies, "how about on the last date?"

The largest condom factory in the States burned down. President Obama was awakened at 4 am by the telephone. ...

"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency!
I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of the week."

Obama: "Oh damn! The economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies.
We'll be ruined. We'll have to ship some in
from Mexico ....."

Telephone voice says, "Bad idea... The Mexicans will have a field day with this one.
We'll be a laughing stock. What about the UK" ?

Obama: "Okay, I'll call Cameron and tell him we need five million condoms, ten inches long and
three inches thick.
That way, they'll continue to respect us as Americans."

Three days later, a delighted President Obama ran out to open the first of the 10,000 boxes that had
just arrived.
He found it full of condoms, 10 inches long and 3 inches thick, exactly as requested...
All coloured with Union Jacks with small writing
on each one:

MADE IN WALES - SIZE: SMALL

Irish Virginity Test

Paddy is planning to marry and asks his doctor how he can tell if his bride to be is still a virgin.

The doc says," Aye Paddy, all Irish use 3 things for what we call a DIY virginity test kit..
A small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint
and a shovel."

Paddy asks, " Aye and what do I do with these
things Doctor ? "

Doctor replies, " Well before you get into bed on your wedding night, paint one of your balls red
and paint the other one blue.".....

If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I've
ever seen " ......

"Then you hit her with the shovel !"


   

These are funny
thanks for the laugh

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.
 

He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility ...

Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'

A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'

Q: 'Officer, who provided this description?'

A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'

Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'

A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'

Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'

A: 'Yes sir, we do!'

Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'

A: 'Yes, sir, I do.'

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'

A: 'Yes, sir.'

Q: 'Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'

A: 'You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

 

It had to happen sooner or later .... Blonde Men!

A friend told the blonde man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
The blonde man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
------------------------------------
Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
------------------------------------
A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the
next time you and your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and
laughing at you yesterday."
To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even
at home yesterday."
------------------------------------
A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"
He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
------------------------------
A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me."
The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."
------------------------------------
A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT
BEND." He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
------------------------------------
A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" asks the doctor.
"No," he shouts, "this is her husband!"
------------------------------------
A blonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve to
avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"
------------------------------------
A blonde man's dog goes missing and he is frantic. His wife says, "Why don't you put an
ad in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing. "What did you put in the paper?"
his wife asks. "Here boy!" he replies.
------------------------------------
A blonde man is in jail. The guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blond replies.
"It should be around your neck," says the guard.
"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."
-----------------------------------
(This one actually makes sense...sort of...lol)
An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards
off their boats?"
To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."

Thanks for the laughs, I needed it.

Haha, thanks for the laughs!

Perfect ending to a totally effed up day. Thanks PattyGirl!

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looool thanks so funny!!!  

oh damn....

ADOPT A TERRORIST


The Canadians know how to handle complaints. Here is an example.


A Canadian female liberal wrote a lot of letters to the Canadian government, complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents (terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities. She demanded a response to her letter. She received back the following reply:


National Defense Headquarters
M Gen George R. Pearkes Bldg., 15 NT
101 Colonel By Drive
Ottawa , ON K1A 0K2
Canada

Dear Concerned Citizen,

Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian Forces, who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.

Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa You will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are creating a new department here at the Department of National Defense, to be called 'Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers' program, or L.A.R.K. for short.

In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided, on a trial basis, to divert several terrorists and place them in homes of concerned citizens such as yourself, around the country, under those citizens' personal care. Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto next Monday.

Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud is your detainee, and is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint. You will be pleased to know that we will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with your recommendations.

Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his 'attitudinal problem' will help him overcome those character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. We understand that you plan to offer counselling and home schooling, however, we strongly recommend that you hire some assistant caretakers.

Please advise any Jewish friends, neighbours or relatives about your house guest, as he might get agitated or even violent, but we are sure you can reason with him. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless in your opinion, this might offend him. Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills either in your home or wherever you choose to take him while helping him adjust to life in our country.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters except sexually, since he views females as a form of property, thereby having no rights, including refusal of his sexual demands. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him.

You also should know that he has shown violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire. I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over time. Just remember that it is all part of 'respecting his culture and religious beliefs' as described in your letter.

You take good care of Ahmed and remember that we will try to have a counsellor available to help you over any difficulties you encounter while Ahmed is adjusting to Canadian culture.

Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our fellow man. Good luck and God bless you.



Cordially,
Gordon O'Connor
Minister of National Defense

Bravo!!

The Haircut

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.' The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.
The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair ~ and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair".

The Dad's reply:

"Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere?"

Like it playful !

answer to come after y'all have thot about it . . .

Only 5% of Stanford University graduates figured it out!
Can you answer all seven of the following questions with the same word?

1. The word has seven letters....
2. Preceded God...
3. Greater than God...
4. More Evil than the devil...
5. All poor people have it...
6. Wealthy people need it....
7. If you eat it, you will die.

I know!!! I know!!!!! Can I answer???? I know!!!!!

go for it Mel !

I've got it too !

Good riddle.   

The answer is NOTHING!

1. The word has seven letters.... NOTHING
2. Preceded God... NOTHING
3. Greater than God... NOTHING
4. More Evil than the devil... NOTHING
5. All poor people have it... NOTHING
6. Wealthy people need it.... NOTHING
7. If you eat it, you will die. NOTHING

I have a feeling that someone emailed this joke to Melbert since the format is almost identical to mine!!!

Melbert - you WIN, a weekend with George, just as soon as we get his permission!

Clever Anagrams....made by AN Other...
Not me !


PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER


ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER


DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT


THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE


GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE


THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS


DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM


SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET’S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z'S

A DECIMAL POINT :
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE


ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE


AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:


MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Joanna!  Brill!!!!!

Playful, I heard that riddle a hundred years ago.  Still as good as ever and so very true! As far as the format goes, I just copy/pasted your lines and added my "nothing".

David Walliams gets Simon Cowell on stage !

Golf balls was funny LOL

This is boring but haven´t got anything new at the moment.


A stockbroker is someone who invests your money till it´s all gone!

It was so cold today I saw a stockbroker with his hands in his own pockets.

A market analyst is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn´t happen today!

Momentum investing: The fine art of buying high and selling low.

Value investing: The art of buying low and selling lower.

Stockbrokers creed: A man is a client until proven broke.

The best time to buy anything is last year.

October. This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks in. The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.

Funny Animals Compilation

www.youtube.com/watch?v=WUlYbgk34ds

Oh my LOL. Have to watch it later till the end...

well done!

yes I do

Funny, but I liked yesterdays elephant picture better  

oh thanks!

A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Central Mississippi recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch those fish?' 'Naw, sir', replied the redneck. 'I ain't got none of them there licenses You must understand, these here are my pet fish.'

'Pet fish?'

'Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home'

'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that.'

The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, 'It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works.'

'O. K.', said the warden. 'I've got to see this!'

The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the warden says, 'Well?'

'Well, what?,' says the redneck.

The warden says, 'When are you going to call them back?'

'Call who back?'

'The FISH,' replied the warden!

'What fish?,' replied the redneck. ............

Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.

You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north.

 

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.


An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old
neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk
they’d shared, where Andy had carved “I love you, Sally.”

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet.
Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure
what to do with it, they took it home.
There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!

Andy said, “We’ve got to give it back.”

Sally said, “Finders keepers.” She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. “Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?”

Sally said, “No”.

Andy said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.

Sally said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile”

The agents turned to Andy and began to question him.

One said: “Tell us the
story from the beginning.”

Andy said, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday...."

The first police officer turned to his partner and said,

“We're outta here !"


And Then:


Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing,
chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly
Bubba says,
"Think I'm gonna divorce the wife -
she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."

Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Betterthink it over.............women like that are hard to find."

Her First Date

If you didn't see this on the Tonight show,

I hope you're sitting down when you read it.

This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!! We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.

Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had.

The winner described her worst first date experience.

There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter...snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City,Utah.

It was a day trip (no overnight).

They were strangers, after all, and had never met before.

The outing was fun but relatively uneventful, until they were headed home late that afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte!! They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere!

Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.

Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal..

It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem,

due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about 'what is taking so long?' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off'

and in need of some assistance!

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.

Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.

So, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.



As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down'.

And you thought your first date was embarrassing.

Jay Leno's comment... 'This gives a whole new meaning

to being pissed off.'

Oh and how did the first date turn out?

He became her husband and was sitting next to her

on the Leno show.

If you laughed at this pass it on.

Remember: If you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart,

then you are just a sour old fart!

I saw the original and I'm sure I peed my pants just listening to it!

unbelievable !!!!!

Toilet humour ( or lack of it) always the best !!!