JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

lamby wrote:Joanna, that was incredibly offensive and not funny in the least.
Aren't you the one who told everyone that you were so above everything? Except for your cute little swipes on Eli's thread, of course.
Why didn't you just substitute the Irish countryside with the British countryside, even if it's not the original way you heard it?
You are British, old and above pettiness, right? Those are your words, not mine.

Sorry you're offended lamby by the joke.
It's a joke sent to me by a mate.

Ive never heard Joanna say that she was above everyone. And a lot of "generic" jokes start out with an Irishman. Im blond and I dont get offended by blond jokes because I consider it a "generic" hair color. And I dont think age has anything to do with a joke. Ive sent jokes that unintentionally offended someone but they didnt scorge me on the forum. We all take it in stride; we, meaning everybody.

LOVE IRISH JOKES.
So do they! If they get them..

Joanna has a great sense of humor!!



That last joke was super funny!

My turn!
My turn!

What's the difference between God and Bono?
God doesn't wander around Dublin thinking he's Bono.

Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.
Paddy says, "Are you on foot or in the car?"
Billy says, "In the car."
Paddy says, "That's the quickest way."

That was funny......

Loved the jumbled pic of George and Stacy! Cracked me up!!!!
And I thought Joanna's Irish joke was hilarious. Keep 'em coming, girls.
What's the saying,
"As I have grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake."

that's a great saying

LOL !!

The part I liked best is when he said "I speak blonde"

Right! Lol

Why I Fired My Secretary..

Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and probably have a present for me.

As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday. I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will remember..

The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning, Boss. Happy Birthday". And I felt a little better that someone had remembered.

I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let'! s go to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. "Let's go!" We went to lunch.

We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"

I said, "No, I guess not."
 
She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable"

"Sure!" I excitedly replied.
 
She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes,> she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ----- followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.
 
 
and I just sat there....

 
on the couch....

 
  
 
 
naked.

You deserved it baby!

That blond on the plane joke WAS funny!

GEMS OF WISDOM


As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind -
every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.

~ John Glenn

*****

When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said
' Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.

~ Desmond Tutu

*****

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that
professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.

~ David Letterman

*****

After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.

~ Italian proverb

*****

Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them
for thirty years.

~ Betsy Salkind

*****

The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength
of the lifeboats.

~ Jean Kerr

*****

I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.

~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

*****

You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.

~ Jeff Foxworthy

*****

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.

~ Prince Philip

*****

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

~ Emo Philips.

*****

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.

~ Harrison Ford

*****

The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.

~ Spike Milligan

*****

Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.

~ Robin Hall

*****

Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.

~ Jean Rostand.

*****

Having more money doesn't make you happier.
I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.

~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

*****

We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for,
I have no idea.

~ WH Auden

*****

If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.

~ Johnny Carson

*****

I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.

~ Arthur C Clarke

*****

Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired
by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.

~ Steve Martin

*****

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.

~ Jimmy Durante

*****

America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.

~ Doug Hamwell

*****

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.

~ George Roberts

*****

If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport

~ Jonathan Winters

*****

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

~ Robert Benchley

It has been officially confirmed by scientists that today is the longest day.  Michelle Obama disagrees, she says Wednesday was the longest day...the day she spent in Dublin with Bono...

Well... Too long
Need to go to bed   

Ciaooooooooooo

Dear Kenton High School ,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Old Age Pensioners luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the Laygate home for Elderly Ladies in Kenton.

All of my family has passed away so I am all alone....
I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but, she would never let me listen to it. She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.

She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed to have the chance to tell her to fuck off.

Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.

God bless you all.

Yours sincerely,

Ella.

 

LOL!

It happened at a New York Airport . This is hilarious. I
wish I had the guts of this girl. An award should go to the United
Airlines gate agent in New York for being smart and funny, while
making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably
deserved to fly as cargo. For all of you out there who have had to
deal with an irate customer, this one is for you.

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A
single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try
to help you, but I've got to help these folks first; and then I'm
sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that
the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her
public address microphone. "May I have your attention, please?", she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14".

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically,
the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said, "F*** You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir,
you'll have to get in line for that, too."

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to
dance in the rain...

Well good for her! She should get some sort of medal for that!

Excellent Patty x

Daily!!!
But, there are probably those who wish to do it to me too!!!

That's a good one patty....

Now this really happened as my husband saw it in the check in at Munich airport years ago.
A long queue waiting to check in.....a bustling bully type of chap comes pushing through, determined to get to get to the front saying "out of my way"
So someone, who used to play football and knew all the tricks of tackling an opponent, just casually puts his foot
out slightly and over the bully went....to the delight of everyone
in the queue.

Food for thought ?

Gather all that have really pissed me off throughout my life and line them up firing squad like and blow them all to smithereens!!!

I'm with you on that, Mel! You know I like you and I think you know (more than you'd probably like to) that I have a massive sense of humor. Not right now, though.

If you want to make jokes about the Irish, fine. But, why then not jokes about Jews? African Americans? Latinos? The British? Americans? Ausseys? Fill in the freaking blank?
Are there not thick, drunken fools among those demographics? Is it more socially acceptable to single out one group and not the other?

Like, you couldn't go all 'Paula Deen', now could you. No, you couldn't. Not without an outpour of rage.

That's all I'm saying.

Sooo sweet....watch end.......

Lui é pazzo!

INFARTO GARANTITO!!!!!

 Merita un cazzotto ogni sera, prima di dormire, per lo spavento procurato!!!!


Heart attack! He deserves a hit on his head every night before sleeping for the pain caused!!!! 

lamby wrote:I'm with you on that, Mel! You know I like you and I think you know (more than you'd probably like to) that I have a massive sense of humor. Not right now, though.

If you want to make jokes about the Irish, fine. But, why then not jokes about Jews? African Americans? Latinos? The British? Americans? Ausseys? Fill in the freaking blank?
Are there not thick, drunken fools among those demographics? Is it more socially acceptable to single out one group and not the other?

Like, you couldn't go all 'Paula Deen', now could you. No, you couldn't. Not without an outpour of rage.

That's all I'm saying.

I don't mind Irish Jokes as long as people come here.....we like people from everywhere.....x

Sorry mucked up

[img][/img]

And re; Irish Jokes
" /
This is why we have to have a sense of humour.......BANKS

Joanna wrote:Food for thought ?

Steal the Hope diamond and then hope I could sell it!

lamby wrote:I'm with you on that, Mel! You know I like you and I think you know (more than you'd probably like to) that I have a massive sense of humor. Not right now, though.

If you want to make jokes about the Irish, fine. But, why then not jokes about Jews? African Americans? Latinos? The British? Americans? Ausseys? Fill in the freaking blank?
Are there not thick, drunken fools among those demographics? Is it more socially acceptable to single out one group and not the other?

Like, you couldn't go all 'Paula Deen', now could you. No, you couldn't. Not without an outpour of rage.

That's all I'm saying.

Ah c'mon, lamby....lighten up! If you start at the beginning of this thread or go to any of the monthly chit chat threads you'll find Italian jokes, Catholic jokes, Jewish jokes and my personal favorite, blonde jokes (and yes, I'm blonde!). We honor diversity here and make fun of everybody, ESPECIALLY OURSELVES!!!! So really, don't read more into it than is there.

Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity.

The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains.
Arrangements were made.

But when the gun was fired, the British engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cab.

Horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the US scientists for suggestions.

NASA's response was just one sentence.....

"Thaw the chicken."

Lool

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.

The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle.
The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field.
He asked, "And what are those"?

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look,
"Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?

Making Money

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were all talking about their plans
to make a lot of money.

'I'm going to buy a herd of cows,' said The Englishman, 'milk them morning and night and sell The milk.'

'I'm going to buy a flock of sheep,' said The Scotsman, 'shear them twice a year
and sell The wool.'

'Both your plans involve too much hard work,' said The Irishman.
'I'm just going to buy a swarm of bees, and every morning at daybreak
I'll release them into the park opposite my house.
They will visit every flower in te park and make honey while I relax.'

'But the park doesn't open its gates until nine o'clock,' said The Englishman.

'I know where there is a hole in The fence,'
said The Irishman.

Man Over Board

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were passengers on board The cross channel ferry when The Englishman fell into The sea.

The Scotsman shouted, 'man overboard, throw in a buoy', so The Irishman grabbed a little lad of eight and threw him overboard.

The Scotsman shouted, 'Not that sort of boy.
I meant a cork buoy.'

'How The hell am I supposed to know what part of Ireland he comes from?' said The Irishman.

'

Two Englishmen - businessmen in London - were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some thick tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Scotsman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a broad Scottish accent asked,
"What are you selling here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically,
"We're selling arseholes."

Without skipping a beat, the Scotsman said,
"You are doing well. Only two left!"

Joanna wrote:Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity.

The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains.
Arrangements were made.

But when the gun was fired, the British engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cab.

Horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the US scientists for suggestions.

NASA's response was just one sentence.....

"Thaw the chicken."

Want to know the embarrassing thing? When I read this, I was imagining frozen chickens too!

Lakin460 wrote:

lamby wrote:I'm with you on that, Mel! You know I like you and I think you know (more than you'd probably like to) that I have a massive sense of humor. Not right now, though.

If you want to make jokes about the Irish, fine. But, why then not jokes about Jews? African Americans? Latinos? The British? Americans? Ausseys? Fill in the freaking blank?
Are there not thick, drunken fools among those demographics? Is it more socially acceptable to single out one group and not the other?

Like, you couldn't go all 'Paula Deen', now could you. No, you couldn't. Not without an outpour of rage.

That's all I'm saying.

Ah c'mon, lamby....lighten up!  If you start at the beginning of this thread or go to any of the monthly chit chat threads you'll find Italian jokes, Catholic jokes, Jewish jokes and my personal favorite, blonde jokes (and yes, I'm blonde!).  We honor diversity here and make fun of everybody, ESPECIALLY OURSELVES!!!!  So really, don't read more into it than is there.

Personally, I liked the Aussie joke.

An Aussie walks into a bar waving a gun and says, "Which one of your wankers is screwing my wife?"

A voice from the back says, "Mate, you don't have enough bullets."

Or at least that's what I remember.  Laughed my ass off of that one!

Oh my!!

Jo
Why this avatar?

This is a Joke !


Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken wall at
10 Downing Street ; one from London , another from Bristol and the third, Liverpool.
They go with a government official to examine
the wall.

The London contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with
a pencil.
'Well', he says, 'I figure the job will run about £900: £400 for materials, £400 for my crew and £100 profit for me.'

The Bristol contractor also does some measuring
and figuring, and then says,
'I can do this job for £700: £300 for materials, £300 for my crew and £100 profit for me.'

The Liverpool contractor doesn't measure or figure but leans over to the Government official and whispers, "£2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up
with such a high figure?'

The Liverpool contractor whispers back,
'£1000 for me, £1000 for you, and we hire the guy
from Bristol to fix the wall.'

'Done!' replies the government official.

And that friends, ...... Is how it all works.

WTFFFFFFFF

lamby wrote:I'm with you on that, Mel! You know I like you and I think you know (more than you'd probably like to) that I have a massive sense of humor. Not right now, though.

If you want to make jokes about the Irish, fine. But, why then not jokes about Jews? African Americans? Latinos? The British? Americans? Ausseys? Fill in the freaking blank?
Are there not thick, drunken fools among those demographics? Is it more socially acceptable to single out one group and not the other?

Like, you couldn't go all 'Paula Deen', now could you. No, you couldn't. Not without an outpour of rage.

That's all I'm saying.

I'm guessing you must be Irish. Well, I don't know how long you've been a member of this forum, but I've personally read, or posted jokes about every one of the ethnicity or nationalities that you mentioned. I'm an American, with Irish/German roots and I enjoy all of those jokes. What's wrong with Paula Deen jokes. We even have them on our TV talk shows. Everybody is fair game. If you want to take the time, look back on ALL prior jokes in this thread. And yes, there are thick, drunken fools among all of us (although maybe not the Amish or Mennonites). Peace to you!

The Paula Deen reference is lost on me I'm afraid.
What's the story ?