JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

LOOOL

melbert wrote:or as I so lovingly call it - CRS!!!

Ha! We have CRS at work, which I believe stands for Customer Retention Service but you guys know exactly what runs through my mind every time I see that in a memo from head office!

Like that one Mel   

Ummm......it's a bit rude....

https://www.youtube.com/embed/Xfzxesxk_Yo

Joanna, hahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!! I want some of that Dickens Cider!!!

melbert wrote:or as I so lovingly call it - CRS!!!

LMAO mel...an ancient nun, that I used to work with at the parish on the school board (she was the principal) used to say that all the time!

Mel it's in Oz....I'm sure theminis knows about it !

OMG that Dicken's Cider is hysterical.

Really???

LOL

 

      

Jo
GNGL in Venice

right?

Man Flu!
silversurfers.com/members-blogs/poetry/man-flu/

This amusing poem has been written by Tracey Curtis … it is her take on Man flu!

Man Flu!

There seems to be a bug around, I think we have it too. The kids and I have caught a cold, but husbands caught man flu.

We all have runny noses, but Kevin’s lost his smell. We all have tissues by our beds, but Kevin has a bell.

We all seem to have sore throats, but Kevin, he can’t talk. We all seem to move around, but Kevin, he can’t walk!

We all try not to moan that much, but Kevin, lies there sighing. We all know it’s just a cold, but Kevin, says he’s dying.

We all have real bad headaches, but Kevin’s got migraine. We all seem to ache a bit, but Kevin, he’s in pain.

We all need our Lemsips, but Kevin needs a nurse. We’re all feeling very ill, but Kevin, he feels worse.

We all have aching arms & legs, but Kevin, can’t feel his feet. We’ve all had a little food, but Kevin, he can’t eat.

We all seem to have a chill, but Kevin, he is freezing. We all blow our nose a lot, but Kevin, keeps on sneezing.

We all need to get some sleep, but Kevin, he is snoring. We all know he’s not to good, but. … MAN FLU … just gets boring!

Written by: Tracey Curtis

it's me wrote:Jo
GNGL in Venice

right?

You mean my avatar ? I've no idea where it's from.
I just found it somewhere and liked it !

That's true of most of my George pictures. Lol

the more I see the more I know it's Venice

Three virgin sisters were all getting married within a short time period.

Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started and made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on
their first impressions of marital sex.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.
The card said nothing but: "Nescafe".
Puzzled at first, Mum went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.
It said: "Great from beginning to end".
Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.


The second girl sent the card from the Maldives a week after the wedding, and the card read:
"Rothmans".
Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's
cigarettes to read from the pack:
"Super strong King Size".
She was again slightly embarrassed but
still happy for her daughter..


The third girl departed for her honeymoon in
New Zealand.
Mum waited for a week, nothing.
Another week went by and still nothing.
A month passed; still nothing..
A card finally arrived from Auckland on which was written with shaky hand, "Air New Zealand "

Mum took out her latest travel magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for Air NZ.

AIR NEW ZEALAND

'Ten times a day, seven days a week, in all directions.'

MUM FAINTED!!!

Answers ?

  

My 1 Day Employment

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter,
a good find for many retirees,
I lasted less than a day......

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud,
unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids,
Yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly,
'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
No, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.
Why the world would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'

So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,
I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice.

Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

My Supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

This older gentleman had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl

As he sat down, he noticed that the seat next to him was empty. He asked the man on the other side of the empty seat whether anyone was sitting there.

“No,” the man replied, The seat is empty.”

“This is incredible” said the first man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world and not use it?

The Second man replied, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This will be the first Super Bowl we haven’t been together since we got married in 1967.”

“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. But couldn’t you find someone else – a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?”

The man shook his head. “No, They’re all at the funeral.”

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with Him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you?"

He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"

He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

"Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it.

They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night."

DECEASED MONKEY

On January 2nd of 2013, Davy Jones, lead singer for the 60's pop group The
Monkeys passed away. The following morning headlines in the Washington Post
read "HEAD MONKEY DEAD."

It took the secret service several hours to get Joe Biden to calm down and
stop running around the White House yelling............

"I'm the President, I'm the President!"

oh PattyGirl!!!! hahahahaha

Got to share this one with you because I'm killing myself laughing. A friend of mine's surname is Dryer. He's just checked into a hotel in Germany where they're calling him Herr Dryer.

True story.

LOL funny stuff    14 000 people having sex right now....and you are reading this   

love the front row one !!!!

Carla97 wrote:LOL funny stuff    14 000 people having sex right now....and you are reading this   

....and 7000 of those are MultiTasking !

  

and that would only be the women, as we know that men can only do one thing at a time...

melbert wrote:and that would only be the women, as we know that men can only do one thing at a time...

Just found on a forum....


So....men CAN multi task.....No not mine. Lol


1. My husband can read a newspaper whilst on the toilet

2. He can play a fruit machine whilst drinking a pint

3. He can hold a conversation whilst scratching his ahem 'parts'

You are really really lucky Joanna.

1. I don´t think so.
2. Can drink vodka and do all kinds of things. checked.
3. How annoying, what can I say, house training unfinished.

Distracted Driving Incident

Everyone reading this will enjoy it - no matter which gender you are.........

This morning on the Interstate,
I looked over to my left and there was a
Woman In a brand new
Cadillac Doing 65 mph
With her Face up next to her
Rear view mirror
Putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away
For a couple seconds...
to continue shaving
And when I looked back she was
Halfway over in my lane,
Still working on that makeup.

As a man,
I don't scare easily.
But she scared me so much;
I had to put on my seat belt
and I dropped
My electric shaver
Which knocked The donut
Out of my other hand.

In all The confusion of trying
To straighten out the car
Using my knees against
The steering wheel,
It knocked My Cell Phone
Away from my ear
Which fell Into the coffee
Between my legs!

Splashed
And burned
Big Jim and the Twins,
Ruined the damn phone,
Soaked my trousers,
And disconnected an
Important call.

Damn women drivers!

To cheers us ALL up, could this be you know who, on his holliers...




" />,

Joanna - I love it! Gave me the first real laugh of the day - but C'mon - he's in better shape than that! 

Lol Lizzy...if you mean the sexy cartoon man, then the credit goes to wwhs !

Sandra Bullock Funny Moments

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=SOAsjaPh4LE

Joanna - What a hoot! Now I know why Sandy and George are such good friends. He said some people call them twins who were separated at birth, and I can see why. I'm amazed she and Hugh Grant ever got that movie made.   

PS- Thanks for catching my mistake. I should have thanked WWHS - so here goes: Thanks WWHS! I loved it! 

A Woman's Poem

Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for
a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's rich and self-employed,
and when I spend, won't be annoyed.

Pull out my chair and hold my hand.
Massage my feet and help me stand.

Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.

I pray this man will love no other.
and relish visits with my mother.



A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a gymnast nymphomaniac with big tits
who owns a bar on a golf course, and loves to send me
fishing and drinking.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a s##t.

       

Joanna - I can always count on you for a good laugh.Thanks a million for this one!

I'm just the messenger Lizzy....the best ones come from my email joke-mate ! Lol

How to stop the church gossip

Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people'sbusiness.
Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.
She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing!

Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away.
He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house, walked home .... and left it there all night.

You gotta love Frank