JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Politically correct Merry Christmas wishes

Happy Solstice, Happy Hanukkah, Merry Christmas, Happy Kwanza

Sorry for the delay...our Legal Department just approved the following Holiday Greeting:

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday(tm), practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all . . .

And a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2013, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual orientation of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion oft he wisher.

This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

Isn't it sad that you just can't say "Merry Christmas and Happy New Year" without the fear of offending someone...

Right, sad.

What was she thinking

She's thinking - now what is that in my pants. Not sure but let's give it a whiff just to make sure.

deleted by Katiedot - sorry Watching, but PM will explain.

hmmmm.... guess they are right

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about
the birds and the bees.

'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears.
'Promise me you won't tell me.'

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech...

At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.

When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa'

If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really shag,
I'll have nothing left to live for.'

You're funny Joanna! Thanks for the smile.

An old man in Miami calls up his son in New York and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Now, the son is worried. So he calls up his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" and calls her father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing, the two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and she hangs up.

The old man turns to his wife and says "Okay, they’re coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares."

That's one way to get the family together!! hahahaha!

Now that was funny!

scoundrel...

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

At a Proctologist's door:"To expedite your visit, please back in."

At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."

On another Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee : "Invite us to your next blowout."

On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

In a Non-smoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push."

On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the Electric Company "We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will soon."

In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

And don't forget the sign at a

CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP "Best place in town to take a leak."

funny!!! LOL

Funny video- senior moments, brain farts.

Well, ain't that the truth!!! Funny CindiGirl!

hahahaha Joanna! These are great!

I love the expression on the little type's face Joanna.

Here's another funny video with Foster Brooks and Dean Martin. George would love this, he likes to imitate Foster Brooks.

those two together are as good a Tim Conway and Harvey Korman. I just can't stop giggling!!

Yes I enjoyed that video and the others linked to it of the Roasts....very funny drunk !

"Good news is that I truly out did myself this year with my Christmas decorations. The bad news is that I had to take him down after two days. I had more people come screaming up to my house than ever. Great stories. But two things made me take it down.

First, the cops advised me that it would cause traffic accidents as they almost wrecked when they drove by.

Second, a 55 year old lady grabbed the 75 pound ladder almost killed herself putting it against my house and didn't realize that it was fake until she climbed to the top (she was not happy). By the way, she was one of the many people who attempted to do that. My yard couldn't take it either. I have more than a few tire tracks where people literally drove up my yard."

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Poor guy!

That's fabulous playful !

Husband takes the wife to a disco. There's a guy on the dance floor giving it large - Break dancing, moon-walking, back flips, the works.

The wife turns to her husband and says: See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

Husband says:
"Looks like he's still celebrating!!!

cindi....good one !

Jimmy Kimmell and The Tug Toner

At the beginning of the vid I though it would be just me who thought it would be suggestive, then it got worse (or better). Leave it to Jimmy Kimmel. Was this on network TV? Now I'm going to have to stay up late to watch. Jo, you are absolutely outrageous! I love it.

And where can I pick up one of these for my friend? He has a good sense of humor.

Just Google it cindi....everything is there.
I assume it was on TV as Ellen did a similar feature too !
Also on YouTube.....

is this tugwhatever REAL?!?!?!

HOW TO START A FIGHT:

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....
________________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....
______________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."
"Oh my!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
______________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...
________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is
terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...
_______________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......
______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........
________________________________
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

PattyGirl! Good to see you and your humor!!!

Thanks, Mel!
Got new computer with Windows 8 and it's driving me crazy. So much to learn, it's so different.
Can't seem to get it right. So much changed. Agh!!

A very unique marriage proposal:

Pattygirl all so funny!
Cindigirl that is one awful proposal - but I guess as 50% of marriages end anyways what does it matter how the proposal went?

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle
had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.
He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.
'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society'.

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'

'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?', asked the couple.

'Because I am the artist who painted the picture,' he replied.

'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners.
The guy in the middle went home for lunch.'

Definition of the word " Coincidence ".
A chicken farmer went to the local bar...He sat down next to a woman and ordered champagne.
The woman said: "How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne".
- "What a coincidence" - said the farmer, who added: "It is a special day for me ...I am celebrating..."
- " It is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!" - said the woman.
- "What a coincidence" - said the farmer.
While they toasted, the man asked:- "What are you celebrating? "
- "My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years, and today, my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant".
- "What a coincidence!" - said the man - "I am a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilized eggs."
- "This is awesome" - said the woman.
- "What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?"
"I used a different rooster" - he said.

The woman smiled and said......................"What a coincidence!"

hahahahahaha Joanna and CindiGirl!!!!!!!!!!

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands
directly next to the barber's chair, while her dad gets his haircut,
eating her snack cake. The barber says to her,
"sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
She says, "I know. I'm gonna get boobs too".

Q. What's the difference between a blond and your job?


A. Your job still sucks after 6 months.



(no offence to any blonds. Am also a blond)

Good one Cindi !

good jokes! Thanks for the laughs

Letters of Recommendation 
For Bad Employees

Have to write a letter of recommendation for that fired employee? Here are a few suggested phrases:

For the chronically absent:
"A man like him is hard to find."
"It seemed his career was just taking off."

For the office drunk:
"I feel his real talent is wasted here."
"We generally found him loaded with work to do."
"Every hour with him was a happy hour."

For an employee with no ambition:
"He could not care less about the number of hours he had to put in."
"You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you."

For an employee who is so unproductive that the job is better left unfilled:
"I can assure you that no person would be better for the job."

For an employee who is not worth further consideration as a job candidate:
"I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment."
"All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly."

For a stupid employee:
"There is nothing you can teach a man like him."
"I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever."

For a dishonest employee:
"Her true ability was deceiving."
"He's an unbelievable worker."

How an over zealous boyfriend shows his devotion. I posted this last Christmas but thought any one who hasn't seen it might like it. It's long but funny.

The 12 Days of Christmas

December 14th
My dearest darling John: Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.
My love always, Agnes
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December 15th
Dearest John: Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable. All my love, Agnes
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear John: Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind. All my love, Agnes
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December 17th
Dear John: Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are being too romantic. Affectionately, Agnes
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December 18th
Dearest John: What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love, Agnes
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December 19th
Dear John: When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh? These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop. Cordially, Agnes
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December 20th
John: What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop those freaking birds.
Sincerely, Agnes
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December 21st
O.K. Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but they had to bring their damn cows. There is manure all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass.
Agnes
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December 22nd
Hey Shithead: What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.
You'll get yours! Agnes
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December 23rd
You rotten prick: Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm calling the police on you! Agnes
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December 24th
Listen Fuckhead:
What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.
Your sworn enemy, Agnes
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December 25th
Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially, Law Offices of Badger, Bender and Chole

Yes that's funny Cindi ! I always think of it
When I hear the song being played on the radio....Lol

Australian Personal Ad

An ad found in the Canberra Times, Personal Section

Wanted A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.

Interested?
Then please only read lines 1, 3 and 5;
Still interested?
Call me at...... 8250-0327