JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS


At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.

'Big breaths,' . . . I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,' . . . replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes ,
Seattle , WA

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,
I asked, ' How long have you been bedridden? '
After a look of complete confusion she answered . . .
' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive. '

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-
Corvallis , OR

I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up
on a man I asked . . . ' So how's your breakfast this morning? ' 'It's
very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the
taste.' . Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced
A foil packet labeled ' KY Jelly. '

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf ,
Detroit , Michigan

A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room
when a young woman with purple hair styled
into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety
of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing,
entered . . . It was quickly determined that
the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was
scheduled for immediate surgery.. When she was completely disrobed on the
operating
table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had
been dyed green and above it there was a
tattoo that read . . . ' Keep off the grass. '

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon
wrote a short note on the patient ' s dressing,
which said ' Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.

'

Submitted by RN no name,

AND FINALLY!! ! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ..

As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB.
I was quite embarrassed when performing female
pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment
I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst
out laughing and further embarrassing me.
I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . .
I'm sorry. Was I tickling you? '
She replied with tears running down
her cheeks from laughing so hard . . .

' No doctor but the song you were whistling was . . .
' I wish I was an Oscar Mayer Wiener . '

Dr. wouldn ' t submit his name....

OK - One More
Baby's First Doctor Visit

This made me laugh out loud.
I hope it will give you a smile!

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the
doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a
little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed, ' she replied..

' Well, strip down to your waist, ' the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts
for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, ' No wonder this baby is
underweight. You don't have any milk. '

'I know, she said, I'm his Grandma,

But I'm glad I came'

Hey pattygirl...I see you've been using your time
in hospital wisely Well done ....LOL

Hope you're mending well and feeling OK ?

Advice for The Boss


1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 5:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is always refreshing.

2. If it's really a "rush job," run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That greatly aids my efficiency.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don't open the door for me. I might need to learn how to function as a paraplegic in future and opening doors is good training.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. Let me guess.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that could get me a promotion.

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. If fact, save them until the job is almost done.

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate.

ROFL Joanna - I saw these years ago and at the time they fit my job experience to a Tee. The amazing part is that I left the job without being charged with homicide.

Great cindi....you got away with it then !!!!

Advertising Slogans

Trader Joe's: "It's not half as healthy as you think"

Coca-Cola: "A week's worth of high fructose corn syrup in a single gulp!"

Whole Foods: "We make it expensive so you'll think it's better"

Porsche: "Release your inner douche"

Big Tobacco: We make you think you are a cool revolutionary, but we
know you are really just a sick addict who stinks and a GREAT source
of revenue.

Spanx: your body fat, compressed and bound.

Fiber One: countdown to the bowl

harley davidson- the world's most expensive penis extension.

the NRA: we make killing easy... and FUN!

BMW, Bitchy Male Whiner

Hyundai, Stolen older European Technology built by some Korean Guy
that sort of works sometimes.

Chevrolet, still building cars like it is 1975 with the help of $50B
taxpayer dollars.

Volvo, the New China Car Company.

Jaguar, India finally bought the last piece of England.

Audi, looks GOOD, feels GOOD, lasts 2 years.

Fiat, paid off enough Italian politicians to still be in business.

VW: It is rumored that an engineer in Germany once called the
factories in Mexico and told them how to install the steering columns.
They didn't really understand him, as Mexicans don't speak German.

Ford: Damn lucky they kicked out Bill Ford (Grandson and CEO) and
replaced him with a real CEO who actually knew how to run a company,
before the big crash in 2008.

Toyota, Reliably boring and over priced.

Chrysler, The only place in the world you can buy a 1997 Mercedes
E-Series drive train, in a model 2012 car.

Acura, The Ugly Car Company.

Nike: Just Do It (And By 'It,' We Mean Spend $175 on a Pair of Hideous
Shoes Made in a Chinese Sweatshop)

Big Mac - Big Americans

Hollywood. Yeah, we don't even try nowdays, but you idiots are
throwing money at us anway.

Wall Street: We are rich, you are not. Deal.

This is for the "George's-Favourite-YouTube-Clip" virgins

monkey butt!!!! yay!!!!!

I think maybe a few of these have been posted before, but a co-workers sent me these. Some I hadn't seen before.


Idiot Number One



I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the emergency room right away.

Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Two

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.

Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Three

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote this, "Put all your money in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America .

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Four

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that; measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40. Wise guy...

But you still get a sign.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Five

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.

The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that she got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

This guy definitely needs a sign.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Six

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.



The first one shouted, "Nobody move!"
When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

This guy doesn't even deserve a sign.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Seven

Arkansas : Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

Yep, here's your sign.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Eight

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."

STAY ALERT! They walk among us. They REPRODUCE

LOOOOOOOLLLL!!!!!

Very funny mel...I love number two !!

Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife
puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered,
and dinner cooking on the fire.

"Shit Ron, how long you been here, and how did you
talk your missus into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday.
Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife
came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'"
I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie.

She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom..
The room had candles and rose petals all over.
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes!
She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.

And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

"So, Here I am.."

Why americans should never be allowed to travel

The following are actual stories provided by travel agents:

I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown.
I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information then she interrupted me with,
"I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts."
Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained,
"Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response... click.

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did.
I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando.
He said he was expecting an ocean-view room.

I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state."

Why Americans should never be allowed to travel...cont'd


I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No."
She said, "But they look so close on the map."

An aide for a Bush cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas.
When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8: 20 a. m. and got into Chicago at 8: 33 a. m.
I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones.
Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?"
I said, " No, why do you ask?"
She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said' FAT' and I'm overweight.
I think that is very rude."
After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it'
(I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT), and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked,
"Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied,
"I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."

A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, FL.
Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?"
I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever!"

A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China.
After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa.
"Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those."
I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa.
When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York."
The agent was at a loss for words.
Finally, the agent said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady.
After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere."
The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map."
The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?"
"That's it! I knew it was a big animal," she said.

Now you know why Government is in the shape that it's in.

Joanna wrote:Why Americans should never be allowed to travel
An aide for a Bush cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas.
When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

Love your travel jokes Jo - well to give the poor Bush aide a little credit, maybe he meant to say tram
and not car. Dallas Airport is HUGE. LOL

Suggestions for audio readers of 50 Shades....plus a picture of author...who looks fun !

http://news.uk.msn.com//blog/trending-blogpost.aspx?post=4df0baa5-a0e3-4cde-ad7c-5b3bbec0d0fc&_nwpt=1

I cant open the link Joanna. It just stays on a white screen until I shut it down a couple hours later

playfuldeb wrote:I cant open the link Joanna. It just stays on a white screen until I shut it down a couple hours later

Sorry playful...it must just be for UK only...it was on MSN uk homepage

Joanna wrote:

now can't see it
but a Super glued flip flops vid sounds
very funny!

Try it on you tube direct ¿

I should shut some pages
before
but now I don't want to!

This should help our double-dip recession a lot !

ROFL Lakin

Two Nuns

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, with a warning from the Mother Superior not to get even
a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this, the two nuns decided to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint naked.

In the middle of the project, there was a knock at the door.

"Who is it?", called out one of the nuns. "Blind man," replied a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns looked at each other and shrugged, both deciding that no harm could come from letting a blind man into the room. They opened the door.

"Nice boobs!" said the man. "Where do you want the blinds?"

-saw the super glue vid
poor man
poor NOSE!

Blondes Have More Fun

A handsome Italian picks up a blonde in a Naples nightclub. He talks her into bed and they spend 20 minutes having energetic sex. When he's done, the Italian lights a cigarette. "You finish?" he asks in broken English. "No," replies the blonde. The Italian wants his new lady friend to be satisfied so he starts again. After 40 minutes, the girl seems to have had enough.

"You finish?" says the Italian. "No," replies the blonde. The astonished Italian has another go. He gives it all he's got and uses every trick in the book. After 50 minutes, he collapses beside the blonde. "Are you finish," he gasps. "No," she replies again.

The Italian can't believe it, but his reputation is at stake, so he launches into one final effort. Finally, after an hour of high octane sex, the shattered Italian croaks, "Are you finish now?" "No," replies the blonde. "What?" says the Italian. "How can you not be finish??"

The blonde replies, "Because I'm Swedish."

A minister was called to a Hollywood nursing home
to perform a wedding.
An anxious man met him at the door.

The Pastor sat down to counsel the man and
asked several questions.
"Do you love her?"
The man replied, "I guess."

"Is she a good Christian woman?"
"I don't know for sure," the man answered.

"Does she have lots of money?" asked the pastor.
"I doubt it."

"Then why are you marrying her?" the preacher asked.

"She can drive at night," the man said

LOOOL!

When insults had class…

These glorious and eloquent insults are from the good old days when our armory of linguistic weapons extended beyond 4-letter expletives, frowny faces made out of punctuation marks, and screaming caps …
And, what’s more, they’re eminently stealable,
since most of their authors are long gone.


A member of Parliament to Disraeli: “Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.”
“That depends, Sir,” said Disraeli, “whether I embrace your
policies or your mistress.”

“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” – Winston Churchill

“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries
with great pleasure.” Clarence Darrow

“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” – William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.” – Moses Hadas

“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying
I approved of it.” – Mark Twain

“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” –
Oscar Wilde

“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play;
bring a friend, if you have one.” – George Bernard Shaw
to Winston Churchill
“Cannot possibly attend first night. Will attend second …
if there is one.” - Winston Churchill, in response.

“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” – Stephen Bishop

“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” – John Bright

“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” – Irvin S. Cobb

“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” – Samuel Johnson

“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” – Paul Keating

“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” – Forrest Tucker

“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without
any address on it?” – Mark Twain

“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” – Mae West

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others,
whenever they go.” – Oscar Wilde

“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts… for support rather than illumination.” – Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” – Billy Wilder

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” – Groucho Marx

ohhhhh
they are great!!!

thanks
so amusing to read such bright sparkles of wit

that almost looks like George, Joanna!!! How'd you do that????

THAT is funny, Jo!!!

LOOOOOL!!!

melbert wrote:that almost looks like George, Joanna!!! How'd you do that????

Funny I thought that too....Great minds Aye ?
It just came from a mate on email today.... LOL

Lakin those are great quotes


Another one from Churchill when a lady accused him of being drunk at a dinner....

"I may be drunk, Madam, but in the morning I will be sober
and you will still be ugly"
Winston Churchill

Do we all get this recorded message ???

Joanna - I love your jokes. Here's another one. This is so sadly true that it's actually funny.

I Am So Depressed...
Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."
Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."
Today, Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!
I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc .... I called a Suicide Hotline.

I had to press 1 for English.
I was connected to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck......we're all soooooo screwed.....

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense. 'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'
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A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa . 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'
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Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old tall, tan and terrific "hoochie-mamma" who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?' Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'
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Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland .. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. 'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'

A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!'

nice!!
thanks!

funny jokes, cindi! "they send us on bus tours"! ROFL!!

so, why?

Good jokes cindi...LOL

bellissimeeeeeee
thanks!!!