JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Momma looks like she has a headache !

all done so naturally
(but kids seem worried about mom...)

George in The American?

what?
I was talking about the video

I was making a joke It's Me. When the ape flips over his mate, it reminded me of the bedroom scene in The American. Just me being sick...

Thanks Jo for the gorilla video. Great laugh. The female seems to have a natural feminine reaction to doing the nasty. LOL

And yes, mel, now that you mention it this reminds me too of The American bedroom scene, minus the audio.

got it
too late!!!

Oh yes....must send it to GTC as a memento ??

Great weekend with my love in the mountains. True quality time. We were hiking all day long – awesome views rewarded our hard work… Fantastic –I felt like a little Heidi in the meadows…

My friend had been in this cattle house before with her husband and now they wanted to go again. – great place, spa and all nowadays…I had heard so many good things about it and the surroundings that I decided to take my love there too.

Awesome day in the nature, my precious love was running wild and free, at least twice the distance we walked. So sporty! It took all day to walk down from where we went. Pretty demanding to, even when I had my old reliable shoes on, avoid any blisters. What a wonderful sunset, I sat on a rock and my love was beside me on the ground. We both admired the scenery, such deep colours but sun set fast, few minutes and it was dark.

In the evening we had dinner. We all had something different and my love agreed (with the waitress) to have “the house’s special”. Ate it with good appetite too.

After we just went to our rooms. Very romantic surroundings and the room we had had a huge bed. It was so comfortable that I wanted to know what brand it was, I crawl on the floor and tried to see underneath all the sheets but couldn’t find anything to indicate which bed it was. (I asked the reception next morning and they told those beds are made only for the hotels. If I own a hotel I can order them – well I don’t so I guess I do not need the contact information…)

Inside our room, I was getting ready for the bed and asked my love “Do you have a good life?”

We have great connection, never off line and no need of words. She was already in the bed, wagged her half long tail and looked at me with her blue eyes. I guess she has a good life…

After a while she was sleeping and dreaming, making some sounds and paws moving. Maybe she dreamed about running after the fox, she did earlier that day and then navigating back to us. Or how she showed the waitress one trick: If I hold one fork in my hand, waitress can take 9 (or it doesn’t matter how many) more and put them in random order, then ask her to pick which one was mine – she always knows.

Ps. On our way down, group of guys were going up. One of them said “ That is one funny looking dog you have? Coctail? What breeds? First I was going to say “pittbull with fur, beware!” But said“ oh no, it’s not a dog but a hairy wild pig, I just caught and tamed it. Very common around here, but difficult to catch. Good finding special swamps, eats berries from the bushes, fast learner, very smart, comes in all colours, as you can see…I just love it! He was staring at the dog like wondering if it was true what I told him…because she had stopped too and was just eating berries and looking at our direction.

Anyways, she didn’t hear any of it, so she still thinks she is at least miss Universe, absolutely cutest, sweetest and the most beautiful creature, because that is what I tell her.

Joanna, YES, George would LOVE that video!!!

BiC, what a lovely time you had. You have one very special friend there!

Picture the scene in a pretty bedroom....

"Oh my word, Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"

"I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!"

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both! He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window.

As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could.
After a little while, a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.

"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"

Another runner moved a long side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"

"Oh, yes", our friend answered breathlessly.
"That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked:
'Do you always wear a condom when you run?

"Nope; just when it's raining."

I find this video of Brad very funny, I don't know why but its funny to me.

kidnapped???

no one seemed to know who he was or tried to help.

but I think that's what the prank was about

I can't believe I'm posting this but is so cuuute!!

Another one...

Ok, one last one before I log out. This kid is soo sweet rapping with his dad.

He makes as much sense as the "adult" rappers!!! AND, he's much cuter!!!!!!

all adorable! thanks!!

AMEN, JOJO!!!!

Trying if this computer makes me one last favour...

And it didn't.

Best in Category wrote:

Trying if this computer makes me one last favour...

I can't see it Best!

it's me wrote:

Best in Category wrote:

Trying if this computer makes me one last favour...

I can't see it Best!

I can't either!!

Sorry, sorry, sorry

But of all the mac's I use, this one mac book pro is kaput. I have used it up (they said.) Took it to the apple service and in this country if anywhere they can restore it fast. Seems that I lost some of the pictures and files which were not synchronized with others (imac, air and i pad and iphones I use.... ) Guy was counting the programs for different cameras, for my work, internet connections (my favorite restaurants, cafes, hotels when travelling, prepaids...etc. and said it is a wonder it has functioned as long as it did...

anyways, it was something I thought was funny but it is gone.

Thunder and lightning today, rain... going to walk the dog now -

you funny BIC

After sex comments by sun signs

Aries: "Okay, let's do it again!"

Taurus: "I'm hungry--pass the pizza."

Gemini: "Have you seen the remote?"

Cancer: "When are we getting married?"

Leo: "Wasn't I fantastic?"

Virgo: "I need to wash the sheets."

Libra: "I liked it if you liked it."

Scorpio: "Perhaps I should untie you."

Sagittarius: "Don't call me--I'll call you."

Capricorn: "Do you have a business card?"

Aquarius: "Now let's try it with our clothes off!"

Pisces: "What did you say your name was again?"

"Now let's try it with our clothes off "

"Do you have a business card?"

"I became somewhat confused when I heard the word "Service" used with these agencies:

Internal Revenue 'Service'
Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
State, City, County & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'


This is not what I thought 'Service' meant.


But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them
said he had hired a bull to 'Service' a few cows.

BAM!!! It all came into focus.

Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.

I hope that you are now just as enlightened as I am."

LOOOL !!!

Little Bruce...A Love Story


Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know
they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies,
"Well Bruce, you are only 10.. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies,
"In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies,
"Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed

Bruce has put so much thought into this.

"Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says,
"Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.

George and the Dragon


A poor vagabond, traveling a country road in England, tired and hungry, came to a roadside inn with a sign reading:
"George and the Dragon."

He knocked.

The innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window.
"Could ye spare some victuals?" he asked.
The woman glanced at his shabby clothes and obviously poor condition.
"No!" she said rather sternly.

"Could I have a pint of ale?"
"No!" she said again.

"Could I at least sleep in your stable?"
"No!" By this time, she was fairly shouting.

The vagabond said,
"Might I please...?"

"What now?" the woman interrupted impatiently.

"D'ye suppose," he asked,
"I might have a word with George?"

LOOOOOL!!!

Love the cat and the couch... but something is missing

"A young lady visited the government matchmaker for marriage and requested - "I'm looking for a spouse. Can you please help me to find a suitable one?"
The marriage officer said, "You're requirements please."
"Well, let me see. Needs to be good looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour, if I don't go out. Telling me interesting stories when I need companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest."
The officer listened carefully and replied," I understand. You need a television."

Weekend.

I have plants in my garden that are dead and need to be replaced by living ones. Gardener visited last week and had suggestions about what he is going to do. Non, non I want to do it myself. I am going to the garden centre to pick some plants and flowers… And one housewife, couple of houses away from mine, came over. I asked her what kind of flowers she usually has in the fall. I would like hortensia (not sure if it’s same in English) but it is cold sensitive. She advised me to buy some green pushes… they always look nice and are easy to manage.

I asked her what she would like to have? Coffee, tea? No, she didn’t know. Clouds were hanging low, practically passing by at our level. Lake is really blue and mountains dark green. After sitting at the table for a while I asked her again? Something? Anything? Rose? Yes, she would like rose but she doesn’t drink daytime. I poured one class for myself. Then she said she is going to have one little glass too, just to keep my company. She had it and liked it. I poured her another class, bigger one this time. She liked it as well.

After three and a half classes she went back home, from the window we saw her husband came home from the work. (he works like maniac) And there was nothing cooking….

I met a friend for pizza last night. She was all excited about her new tattoo. I feared this was coming (she has a new boyfriend. Good looking, who wears more bracelets in his wrists that I own all together + has a tattoo.)

She pointed the tattoo and asked “what do you say ”?
(I wanted to ask how much it costs to remove it. But I didn’t. )
- What is it?
- You don’t know?
- I don’t know. Is it like a Rorscauch’s test with black figures, everyone sees different things?
- No, of course not, it is a symbol, don’t you recognize it?
- No, I can’t say I do. So what is it?
- Chinese symbol. (And she had a long monologue about vega, yoga, feng shui, …ying yang etc. )
- Why did you choose that one?
- It shows that I am spiritual person, truly individual….
- No it doesn’t (l was laughing)
- It does, at least to those who understand these symbols.
- Ok, if you buy a camera it doesn’t make you a photographer. It makes you a camera owner. Same here, you are a person with a tattoo now. What does it mean exactly?
- In china things are more holistic, it doesn’t mean just one word.
- Okay, so it could be a whole meal instead of a carrot?
- …? Yeah… odd way to put it….
- Did you check the meaning? Are you sure the sign is what it is suppose to be?
- No, I didn’t check, I just picked it from the catalog. He was very experienced, he has done a lot of these.
- Sure, but you didn’t check. To error is human. He could have mistakenly make a wrong sign for you?
- Like what?
- Like that you picked mystical, spiritual, holistic sign, what ever, but one little line in a wrong place can change the whole meaning completely different.
- What do you mean?
- I mean what you have there, it could mean pork, rise and broccoli, instead of what you wanted it to be!
- Yeah right! (laughing) If you have to take a tattoo what would it be?
- If I have to? Then the question is more like where I would have it?
- So where?
- The least visible place --- that is in the butt.
- Right, no one will ever see it! He heh heeeee and what would it be???
- It would be --- let me think ---- oh, it doesn’t matter cause no one will ever see it….
Yes we laughed a lot, pizza was good too "Gucci".

huh!

That picture explains a lot. She made it so difficult to understand....

they complete
one another...

I see, (and I do it without glasses, ones I have are for the, well I don't know what it is in this language, but it is not for the sight, but if i drive a long time or read or...then the other eye gets tired and red.)

I thought it meant I should have both of those elements balanced. Do I need an other person to complete -- I have a very nice dog - that's not enough?! I guess not.

Miss Beatrice,
The church organist,
Was in her eighties
And had never been married. She was admired for her
sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor
came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint
sittingroom.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea...
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,the young
minister noticed a cut glass bowl Sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated. of all
things,a condom!

When she returned With tea and scones,they
began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity
About the bowl of water and itsstrange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said,
'I wonder if you would tell me about this?
Pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking
throughthe park a few months ago and I found
this little package on the ground.
The directions said To place it on the organ,
Keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.

If you don't send this To five GOOD friends
Right away There will be Five fewer people
Smiling in the world.

Yes, patty that IS a sweet old woman. Hey, I haven't gotten the flu all winter either and I have an old Hammond organ. Maybe I'll do that for next winter and see if it works. LOL

What's better than roses on the piano?

Tulips on the organ! (two lips on the organ)

RED SKELTON'S RECIPE :

For those of you old enough to remember Red Skelton, I think you will enjoy this e-mail. For those of you not old enough you will see what you missed. Either way, his humor was always clean and he was a great entertainer. A re-run of great 'one liner's' from the man who was known for his clean humor. I hope you get a chuckle or two reading them once more.

RED SKELTON'S RECIPE
FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE



1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a
little beverage, good food and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in California , and mine is in Texas ..

3. I take my wife everywhere,
but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric
toaster and electric bread maker.
She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place
to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well
because there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late
for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!".

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her
first name was 'Always'.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though.
My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!".

Can't you just hear him say all of these?

I love it. These were the good old days when humor
didn't have to start with a four letter word.
It was just clean and simple fun.
And he always ended his programs with the words,

"And May God Bless" with a big smile on his face.