JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Funny - the same thing happened to me.

What thing? Sport´s man double or stranger in your house  

funny and sweet Mel!

Just arrived by email from a mate....excuse language !


Random things that piss me off. (Also Funny)

ONE
People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know where my watch is pal, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
...
TWO
People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

THREE
When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Fucking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

FOUR
When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

FIVE
When people say while watching a film "did you see that?" No tosser, I paid 10 bucks to come to the movies and stare at the fucking floor.

SIX
People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?

SEVEN
When something is 'new and improved!' Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

EIGHT
When people say "life is short". What the fuck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever fuckin does!! What can you do that's longer?

NINE
When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Knobhead?

TEN
People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So what did they used to be? ears,

ELEVEN
When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

TWELVE
People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need.

THIRTEEN
McDonald's staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering.....It's has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks..........Well, I'll get a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you fuckin McTosser.

FOURTEEN
When you involved in a accident and someone asks 'are you alright?' Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off.

hahahahahahahaha!!! those are priceless!

#8 is fantastic!!!!

"RETARDED"
> GRANDPARENTS
>
>
> Written by a third grader , on what his
> grandparents do.
>
> After Christmas , a teacher asked her young
> pupils how they spent
> their holiday away from school. One child
> wrote the following:
>
> We always used to spend the holidays with
> Grandma and Grandpa. They
> used to live in a big brick house , but
> Grandpa got retarded and they
> moved to Florida. Now they live in a
> tin box that has wheels, but its
> strapped to the ground. They ride
> around on their bicycles , and wear
> name tags , because they don't
> know who they are anymore. They go to a
> building called a wreck
> center, but they must have got it fixed
> because it is all okay now,
> they do exercises there , but they don't
> do them very well. There
> is a swimming pool too, but they all just
> jump up and down in it
> with hats on. At their gate, there is a doll
> house with a little
> old man sitting in it. He watches all day so
> nobody can escape
> Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their
> golf carts.
> Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the
> same thing
> every night - early birds. Some of the people can't get out
> past
> the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food
> back
> to the wrecked center for pot luck. My Grandma says that
> Grandpa
> worked all his life to earn his retardment and , says I
> should work
> hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my
> retardment, I
> want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let
> people out, so
> they can visit their
> grandchildren.
>
> PRICELESS

he worked all his life to earn his retardment

  
real and scary at the same time
it's only a way to look at it
but.... shivers!  

guess way better to do as Stacy and actual man
vaca when young to enjoy it!!!

Sounds wonderful patty !!!
Off to Florida....Byeeee....

  

ok!
it sounds nice for sure!!!!     

Great reminder Patty!

say yes to life
and new man today! (before it´s too late...)   

Before it's too late

yes!

A slave call girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee was attending a great, but as yet unnamed, athletic festival 2500 years ago in Greece.

In those days, believe it or not, the athletes
performed naked.

To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on drink containing saltpeter before and throughout the variety of events.

At the opening ceremonial parade, Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked magnificent males marching toward her and she exclaimed:
"Oh! Limp pricks!"

Over the next two and a half millennia that morphed into "Olympics".

Just thought I'd share this new found knowledge
with you all.

And now what will we all be thinking as the Parade of Nations starts at this year's Olympics? hahahaha

A Japanese couple is having an argument over ways of performing highly erotic sex:

Husband: Sukitaki.

Wife replies: Kowanini!

Husband says: Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!

Wife on her knees literally begging:
Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!

Husband replies angrily: Na miaou kina tim kouji!.

  


I can't believe you sat and tried to read this as if you understand Japanese!

You are unbelievable!

I always knew you would read anything as long
as it is about SEX...

You need help !!

  

Good one Joanna, you caught me!   

I was trying to understand where was the joke....
could be hidden in those strange words

no?

anyway
you know we sometimes need to 'force' yourself not to read? is a common thing
you 'have to' read whatever you see around
even in a non consciously way

(where is my joke?)

And not only that but read between the lines too   

right

Italian Genes

An 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, “How do you stay in such great physical condition?"

"I'm Italian and I am a golfer," says the old guy, "and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well."

“Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?"

"Who said my Father's dead?"

The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive??? How old is he?"

"He's 100 years old," says the Old Italian golfer. "In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too."

“Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?"

"Who said my Nonno's dead?"

Stunned, the doctor asks, “You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living?! Incredible, how old is he?"

"He's 118 years old," says the Old Italian golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"

"No, Nonno couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today."

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting married?! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?"

"Who said he wanted to?”

  that´s the spirit!

Be Afraid.....Be Very Afraid !

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=i5gK2MxGR0M&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3Di5gK2MxGR0M

Huh  

DOGGIE DIET
>
> Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
>
> What did she think I had an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs
> in both arms.
>
> I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
>
> Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's ass and a car hit me.
>
> I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
>
> Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
>
> Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

Italian one is really nice LOOL

but the last video is SCARRRINGGG   
nice job but
wtffff!!!!

On a bitterly cold winters morning a husband and wife were listening to the radio during breakfast.

They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snow plows can get through."

So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through."

The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park." Then the electricity went out.

The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow plows can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time."

I didn't see it coming either!

looool!!!!

Love that one patty girl !

LOL Pattygirl

People posing with statutes

" />" />" />" />
" />" />" />" />

LOLOLOL!!! those are hilarious playful!!

Vodka volunteer

- Tell us, what forces you to drink vodka every day?
- Nothing. I'm a volunteer.

A bottle of vodka and a bottle of Coca-cola

A man comes to the shop:
- Give me a bottle of vodka and a bottle of Coca-cola.
Half an hour later he comes again:
- Give me a bottle of vodka and a bottle of Coca-cola.
An hour later he comes again:
- Give me a bottle of vodka and a bottle of... of....of Sprite. It seems Coca-cola makes me sick!

Can you film after a glass of vodka?

Cameraman at job interview:
- Can you film after a glass of vodka?
- Yes.
- Can you film after two glasses of vodka?
- Yes.
- Can you film after a bottle of vodka?
- Yes, but then only as a film director.

Good tip for losing weight

If you are afraid of putting on weight, you should drink a glass of vodka before the meal. Vodka dulls the fear.

It's working!

Traffic police stops a car.
Policeman: Have you drunk vodka today?
Driver: No.
Policeman: Breathe into the tube... Well, no alcohol is detected... Maybe the tube is broken… (breathes into the tube himself) No, it's working!

The Central Committee of the Communist Party decides to open a strip club in Moscow to draw more tourists to the city. Licenses are granted, facilities are appropriated and billboards are put up but, on the opening day, nobody turns out. "What happened?" The Central Committee asks the managers of the strip club. "We don't know." The managers reply. "It was superbly organized and all the strippers had a solid party record; they've been Bolsheviks ever since from Russian revolution and knew Lenin personally!"

A man walks into a grocery store with a notebook. "Do you have sausage?" "No." He makes a note. "Bread?" "No." He makes another note. "20 years ago, they would have shot you for making notes like that," says a woman waiting in line. "No bullets either," he writes.

Turbulence and Aeroflot

Stewardess: Calm down. Why are you so nervous. Stop screaming. Usual air-pocket. Turbulence. Not a big deal. Take a deep breath. Everything is fine. Ok? Great. Now I will go and calm down the passengers.

 


well, all nice
but the statue pics are ammmmazing!!  looool !

funny but not tell them

never ever!!!!!

NEW BULL

Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another
bull onto the ranch.

First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows."

Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows."

Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows."

Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they've ever seen.
At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the
steel ramp.

First Bull: "I think I can spare a few cows for our
new friend."

Second Bull: "I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."

They look over at the third bull and find him pawing
the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.

First Bull: "Son, don't be foolish -- let him have some
of your cows and live to tell about it."

Third Bull: "Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull."

Lol!

So funny Maggy...some very creative kids out there !

[quote="Maggy"]

https://www.youtube.com/v/JCkem-FeXyI


LOOOOOOOL the last couple one is AMAZING!!!

Sorry, sweets!

Forgot to add the link.

Sorry couldn't resist!

Lorna you devil

 

Whew what a year indeed!   

(this has nothing to do with the above, but how to dye your hair brown succesfully? That it isn´t greenish, pinkish or grayisg brown, but like real brunette? Thanks for the tips Merci d'avance   )

Carla.....go for a consultation with a reputable hairdresser.
If you see someone out and about with lovely hair, then compliment them on it and ask who their hairdresser is.
Ladies love compliments even from strangers.

Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman in a psychology lesson.
Teacher asks Englishman " whats the opposite of joy?" He says sorrow.
He asks Scotsman "whats opposite of depression?"
He says happiness.
He asks Paddy "whats the opposite of woe?"
He says "Fecking Giddy Up"

Unhappy Husband on phone to mate......

" Modern Technology....What A Load Of B.......S !!!

I bought my daughter an iPAD..... I bought my son an iPOD...... I bought myself an iPHONE.... And I bought my wife an iRON.....

Feck Me!!, to say she wasn't impressed is putting it mildly.... ...

Even after I explained that it can be integrated with the iWASH, iCOOK,
and iCLEAN network....!!

Ungratefull Bitch....

All this triggered the iNAG service which I couldn't turn off and I later found out
that it completely wiped out the iSHAG function...!!"

  

Joanna wrote:Carla.....go for a consultation with a reputable hairdresser.
If you see someone out and about with lovely hair, then compliment them on it and ask who their hairdresser is.
Ladies love compliments even from strangers.

Thank you. Good tip but nearly everyone here has a lovely natural brown hair! And if they see a ray of sun they tan...
All I get is freckles, sun burn...

looool thanks