Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

by Carla97 Wed 31 Jul 2013, 10:53

"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me." --- General George S. Patton

" True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I don't know." --- P.J O'Rourke (1989)

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Charles de Gaulle airport, Paris.
“Nationality?” asks the immigration officer.
“German,” she replies.
“Occupation?”
“No, just here for a few days.”

The elderly American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he fumbled for his passport.

"You 'ave been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically. The old gent admitted that he had been to France previously.

"Zen, you should know enough to 'ave your passport ready for inspection."

The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible. You Americans alwayz 'ave to show your passports on arrival in France!"

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained.

"Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in '44, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."

Ok that´s it for me for today, enough of reading jokes and commenting on things I have no idea. Celebration time, fireworks. Drink 2

by it's me Wed 31 Jul 2013, 17:35

Smile!

http://www.repubblica.it/persone/2013/07/31/foto/obiettivo_ironia_lo_humour_del_fotografo_zack_seckler-64052936/1/?ref=HRESS-5#1

I so need too now!

by Juliette Hardy Wed 31 Jul 2013, 18:11

What a surprise!

You need to smile or same giraffe position, It's Me?

Laughing

Anyway, the giraffe bull looks satiated.

by it's me Wed 31 Jul 2013, 21:37

Shame on you Juliette!

What I need is a bit of love I love you

by What Would He Say Wed 31 Jul 2013, 21:51

Don't we all...in any language.......

by it's me Wed 31 Jul 2013, 21:56

Yes
We are really able to sacrifice a lot
For a bit of love

by Juliette Hardy Thu 01 Aug 2013, 09:34

Just teasing! It is a funny pose. Very Happy

Oh, I agree...
I'm starving for love!

by Joanna Sun 04 Aug 2013, 00:52

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY - (a husband's point of view) -
By Pam Ayres of course..

The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;

... T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".

Well I just left her to it,

And at ten I went to bed.

An hour later she appeared;

The sight filled me with dread...

In her left she held a rope;

And in her right a whip!

She threw them down upon the floor,

And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;

I might have had a peek;

But Mabel hasn't weathered well;

She's eighty four next week!!

Watching Mabel bump and grind;

Could not have been much grimmer.

And things then went from bad to worse;

She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled back upon her feet;

A couple minutes later;

She put her teeth back in and said

I am a dominater !!

Now if you knew our Mabel,

You'd see just why I spluttered,

I'd spent two months in traction

For the last complaint I'd uttered.

She stood there nude and naked

Bent forward just a bit

I went to hold her, sensual like

and stood on her left tit!

Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;

My god what had I done!?

She moaned and groaned then shouted out:

"Step on the other one"!!

Well readers, I can't tell no more;

About what occurred that day.

Suffice to say my jet black hair,

Turned fifty shades of grey

by it's me Sun 04 Aug 2013, 00:57

Nice!

and sweet ! I love you

by Carla97 Tue 06 Aug 2013, 09:10

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep.

Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.”

Holmes said: “and what do you deduce from that?”

Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life.”

And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”

by Joanna Tue 06 Aug 2013, 18:04

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:
"Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis.
So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied:"That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.
“However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That is a great load off my mind.
I do have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?'

by it's me Tue 06 Aug 2013, 19:00

by Carla97 Tue 06 Aug 2013, 19:21

thanks for the laugh Joanna. A bit hung over day after last night and I´m tired... Laughing

by Joanna Tue 06 Aug 2013, 20:47

it's me wrote:

Ow...Ow....Ow.....that hurts IM ! Lol

affraid

by playfuldeb Tue 06 Aug 2013, 20:49

I, for one, really appreciate all the jokes that Joanna, and others, post here!

by Carla97 Wed 07 Aug 2013, 23:12

A guy surprises his fiancee by having her name tattooed on his penis. In flowing script it says, "Wendy."

On their Jamaican honeymoon, he uses a public bathroom and sees a Jamaican man who seems to have the same name tattooed on his penis. The husband asks, "So your girl's name is Wendy, too?"

The guy looks down at his penis and says, "No, once de wrinkles come out, it says, 'Welcome to Jamaica, mon! Have a nice day.'"

by Joanna Wed 07 Aug 2013, 23:28

Carla97

by it's me Wed 07 Aug 2013, 23:43

Looool great one Laughing

by . Sun 11 Aug 2013, 20:54

by Joanna Sun 11 Aug 2013, 21:02

Love that lux

by Joanna Sun 11 Aug 2013, 21:04

by Joanna Sun 11 Aug 2013, 21:12

by . Sun 11 Aug 2013, 21:23

JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS - Page 8 20057210

you must always have the courage to say what you think ... f...

by Joanna Sun 11 Aug 2013, 21:51

by it's me Sun 11 Aug 2013, 22:00

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL !!!!!!

by LornaDoone Tue 13 Aug 2013, 17:26

I've moved it's me's link and subsequent discussion to a new thread.

Thought it might be commentary COHs would want to explore further...

http://www.clooneysopenhouse.com/t3818-gold-diggers-good-or-bad-what-do-you-think

by it's me Tue 13 Aug 2013, 21:30

Ok baby!

by Joanna Thu 15 Aug 2013, 10:31

A young woman started work in the Village chemist shop
She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public.
The Chemist was going on holiday for a couple of days, and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own.
She had to confide in him her worries about
selling condoms.

"Look" he said "My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they either ask for a 310 (small); a 320 (medium); or a 330 (large).
The word condom is never mentioned"

The first day was fine, but on the second day a black guy came into the shop, put out his hand and said "350" please.

The girl panicked. She phoned the Chemist on his mobile, and told him of her predicament.

"Go back in and check if he has a bucket hanging between his legs" her boss told her.
She peeped through the door, and saw the bucket hanging between the guy's legs.

"Yes!!" she shouted down the phone "he's got one hanging there!!"

The boss replied "Well, go back in there and give him £3.50 .....he's the window cleaner"

by Joanna Sat 17 Aug 2013, 12:18

A magician worked on a cruise ship.

The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, It’s not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!"
Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything.
It was, after all, the Captain's' parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.
The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... With the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said....

"OK, I give up. Where's the effing ship?"

by Dior Sat 17 Aug 2013, 13:01

Good god, Joanna, please change your avatar!

It's not that I dislike George's new forehead tattoo, but please give him back his hair!!!

by it's me Sat 17 Aug 2013, 13:15

Nice parrot one!!!

by Carla97 Sat 17 Aug 2013, 14:19

Dior wrote:Good god, Joanna, please change your avatar!

It's not that I dislike George's new forehead tattoo, but please give him back his hair!!!

Yes Dear Dior, I think we got the message.
No need to repeat it either,
You know men
they tell you when there are changes
why to repeat the obvious? Razz

by Dior Sat 17 Aug 2013, 16:32

by Joanna Sat 17 Aug 2013, 16:49

Dearest Dior....I'm sorry but I didn't create the photo....someone more talented than me did that and it's on the Internet somewhere.
I just added the tattoo.....I couldn't resist it! lol!

I'll change the avatar next week....promise.

by Dior Sun 18 Aug 2013, 08:08

by Carla97 Sun 18 Aug 2013, 08:11

LOOOOL

by it's me Sun 18 Aug 2013, 09:54

by Joanna Sun 18 Aug 2013, 11:05

Ooooooooo.....Dearest Dior....You very brave !

by Dior Sun 18 Aug 2013, 12:15

Sure.

Nice to see it's already next week.

Very Happy

by Joanna Sun 18 Aug 2013, 12:39

Dior wrote:Sure.

Nice to see it's already next week.

True....anything to keep you smiling x

by Dior Sun 18 Aug 2013, 15:05

xoxoxo

by Joanna Mon 19 Aug 2013, 11:26

"Whatever life throws at you,
learn a lesson from a dog.
Scrape some grass over that s**t
and move on"

by Joanna Tue 20 Aug 2013, 11:38

This is funny....

http://vimeo.com/61886386

by Joanna Wed 21 Aug 2013, 12:53

One day, Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary,
his darling of 10 glorious years.

After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her.
She had been shot dead!

Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate.
Since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have
to cross the feather barrier.

So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove
and brought her back to the nest.

The sex was good but all the dove would say is ..........
'I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!'

Well this so got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out
of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate..

He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest.
Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is........

'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON,
I want to spoon!'
So out with the loon.

Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest.

This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was....

NO, The duck didn't say THAT!

... Don't be SO disgusting!

The duck said....

'I am a DRAKE,

You made a MITHTAKE!!

by Joanna Wed 21 Aug 2013, 12:59

SCAM

Just got scammed out of $25.
Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favourite 18 Holes".

Turns out it's about golf.
Absolute waste of money!
Pass this on so others don't get scammed.

Best Regards,
Charlie Sheen

by it's me Wed 21 Aug 2013, 13:35

You devil Jo
You devil ....

by Carla97 Wed 21 Aug 2013, 17:19

Oh know Joanna. You ruined it, what to order now for lonely, dark autumn nights? Season is soon over no need to see how correct swing looks like. Shocked

by Carla97 Fri 23 Aug 2013, 07:37

Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and hubby was losing his temper. "Be careful", he said to his wife " You will bring out the animal in me".

"So what?" his wife shot back. "Who is afraid of a mouse?"

by it's me Fri 23 Aug 2013, 08:27

Nice! And Carla you are the right one (your avatar I mean) to get him!!!!! Razz

by playfuldeb Sat 24 Aug 2013, 03:12

(Sorry ahead if this was already posted)

Two blondes were sipping their Starbucks when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of sod.

"I'm going to do that when I win the lottery," announced Blonde #1.

"Do what?" asked Blonde #2.

"Send my lawn out to be mowed."

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