JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

This gives one hope ! Lol

http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?v=E2d2dwz42ec&feature=player_embedded&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DE2d2dwz42ec%26feature%3Dplayer_embedded

Well I don't think I would have given the crabby nurse the ticket! I would have taken myself and all my friends out of there!!

But it was cute.

Funny LOOL!

Funny LOOL!

Can we come too Lorna.....Pretty Pleeeeese ?

Gentle Thoughts for Today


Birds of a feather flock together and then crap on your car.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.'

If you think there is good in everybody, you
haven't met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone
in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell
when he's really in trouble.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs....'

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either
dries up or leaks.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. Ah, being young is beautiful,
but being old is comfortable.

Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand
over my mouth . . . . . . . . . AMEN!

so many of those are just plain truth. Made me laff

Punography:

·I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.

·Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

·I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

·How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

·I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

·I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

·I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words .

·They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.

·Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

·Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory-- I hope there's no pop quiz.

·The Energizer bunny arrested and charged with battery.

·The old man didn't like his beard at first. Then it grew on him.

·Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

·When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

·What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

·I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

·Broken pencils are pointless.

·England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

·I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

·All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

·I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

·Velcro - what a rip off!

·Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

·Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

·Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.

·I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

How true !

90 Year Old Granny does Double Back Flip

Amazing! You've got to see this!

Feisty little thing ain't she??!!!! Too funny!

Thought for the Day

LOOOOL !!!

Katie....Eddie can be on Tom Tom now !

Sample here.....

https://www.eddieizzard.com/resource/mp3/eddie.mp3

This is funny....fictional of course !

https://twitter.com/Charles_HRH


Example from today....(nudge nudge, wink wink)

Prince Charles ‏@Charles_HRH 7h
Pope Benedict, Queen Beatrix, and now Sir Alex Ferguson gives someone
else a go. #justsaying

LornaDoone wrote:90 Year Old Granny does Double Back Flip

Amazing! You've got to see this!

That's hilarious! I was actually holding my breath waiting for the flip!

When God was creating the human race, he lined up all the males on one side and all the females opposite.
Then he asked: 'Which of your species would like to
urinate standing up?'
Well, the males went crazy, shouting that they wanted to pee standing up.

'Fine', says God, 'Women get multiple orgasms'.

Italian Grandma's Advice

A young Italian girl was going on a date.

Her Nana said:
'Sita here ana letame tella you about dis-a younga boy.
He's agonna try ana kiss you, you are agonna likea dat, but don't let him do dat.

He's agonna try ana kiss your breasts, you are agonna likea dat too, but don'ta let him do dat eeda.

But mosta important, he's agonna try ana lay on topa you, you are agonna really likea dat, but don'ta let him do dat for sure.

Doing data willa disgraza our family.'


With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date.

The next day she told grandma that her date went just like
she had predicted:
'And Nana, I didn't let him disgrace our family as you said..


When he tried to lay on top of me, I just rolled him over got
on top of him, and disgraced HIS family!'

Nana fainted!

Lol! Poor nana......

This one always makes me laugh:

And that would be me! hahahahahahaha

Now that you're retired, "do you still have a job?"

Hector replied, “Yes I am my wife's sexual advisor."

Somewhat shocked, they said
"I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"

"Very simple. The wife has told me that when she wants my
f****** advice, she'll ask me for it"

Irish Golfer


A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his
drive into the woods. Looking for his ball,
he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back,
a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball
beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from
the cart and poured it over the little guy,
reviving him.

'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square.
Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'

'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer
answers in relief. 'I don't want anything,
I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'
And the golfer walks off.

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.
I have to do something for him. I'll give him
the three things I would want... a great golf game,
all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

A year goes by and the golfer is back.
On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into
the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,
' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye,
how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers.
I'm an internationally famous golfer now.'
He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're
all right.'

'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer
golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money
situation?'

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states.
'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket
and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!'

'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment,
and says shyly, 'It's OK.'

C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun,
'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job.
How many times a week?'

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers,
'Once, sometimes twice a week.'

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock.
'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'

'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest
in a small parish.

Oooohhhhhhhhhhh, groaner, but a good one

Great funnies, everyone! Thanks!

A student's failed exam:

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
* exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become? *wet.

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?
* No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
* Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
* Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.



Spread the laughter, share the cheer

Let's be happy, while we're here !!

I wonder if George has this much trouble when directing ?


http://m.wimp.com/couplecommercial/

Funny vid thanks!
Great couple too

AGE IS EVERYTHING!

I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair.
She turned to me and asked, 'Are you having it catered'?
And that, my friend, is the sad definition of 'OLD'!

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied, 'Two years older than me.'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?'

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
I have bouts with dementia, have poor circulation,
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
I can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
I’ve lost all my friends.
But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.
But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher
she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed. 'Why Wal-Mart?'
'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker .

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says,
'For fast relief.'

THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!

Lol patty....yes if you don't share it the elastic in your
Harvest Festival big pants will break !

Broke so many times, just use a cord to hold them up. Tried transparent tape but it hurt every time I had to go to the loo.

You all crazy!

pattygirl wrote:Broke so many times, just use a cord to hold them up. Tried transparent tape but it hurt every time I had to go to the loo.

Ooooooooo.......brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it patty !

So.....here's something to look forward to then.



Mrs Murphy and Mrs Cohen


Mrs. Murphy and Mrs. Cohen had been longtime close friends. But, being old-fashioned, each went to a retirement home of her own respective religion.

It was not long before Mrs. Murphy felt very lonesome for Mrs. Cohen, so one day she asked to be driven to the Jewish Home to visit her old friend.
When she arrived she was greeted with open arms, hugs, and kisses. Mrs. Murphy said, "Don't be holdin' back, Mrs. Cohen, how do you like it here?"

Mrs. Cohen went on and on about the wonderful food, the facility and the care takers. Then, with a twinkle in her eye, she said, "But the best thing is that I now have a boyfriend."
Mrs. Murphy said, "Now isn't that wonderful! Tell me all about it."

Mrs. Cohen said, "After lunch we go up to my room and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on the top, and then on the bottom, and then we sing Jewish songs."
Mrs. Murphy said, "For sure it's a blessing. I'm so glad for you, Mrs. Cohen."

Mrs. Cohen said, "And how is it with you, Mrs. Murphy?"
Mrs. Murphy said it was also wonderful at her new facility, and that she also had a boyfriend.

Mrs. Cohen said, "Good for you! So what do you do?"
Mrs. Murphy says, "We also go up to my room after lunch and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on top, and then I let him touch me down below."

Mrs. Cohen said, "Yes? And then....?"
Mrs. Murphy said.... "Well, since we don't know any Jewish songs,
we fuck."

gotta love the irish!

LMFAO!!!!!!!!!

where do you find this stuff?!!

oh my é orribile!!!

I have an inquiring mind HA - it may not be to most peoples taste but I found it hilarious

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The photo above with the changed faces can be made using
an app called Juggle.....I think that's what it's called anyway.

playfuldeb wrote:[img][/img]

HU! Horrible! Make me think to men who kill women!!

Im sorry it offended you Its Me. It was meant as a joke about giving someone a second chance. Here's another. Maybe it can change the mood for you?

[img][/img]

Ooooooh! Great! That I like !!

After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life, an old Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin.

In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks into it.
Not ever having seen a mirror before, he remarked at
the image staring back at him.

'How 'bout that! He exclaims, 'Here's a picture of my Fadder.'

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in The shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishing,
he would go There and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of his many trips to the shed.
So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed
and found the Mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed,
'So that's the ugly bitch he's running around with.'

Joanna, that was incredibly offensive and not funny in the least.
Aren't you the one who told everyone that you were so above everything? Except for your cute little swipes on Eli's thread, of course.
Why didn't you just substitute the Irish countryside with the British countryside, even if it's not the original way you heard it?
You are British, old and above pettiness, right? Those are your words, not mine.