JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Names of Drugs

All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

Now the FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin. Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer...it will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

If you don't send this to five old friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world

The nun the priest and the camel
A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.

After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. 'Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.' 'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two..' 'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?' 'Anything, Father.'

'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see Yours.' 'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.' The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. 'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?'.......she consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

'Father, could I ask something of you?' 'Yes, Sister?' 'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?' 'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe. 'Oh Father, may I touch it?' The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection. 'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life.' 'Is that true Father?' 'Yes, it is, Sister.'

'Oh Father, that's wonderful ... Stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!'

How Hot It IT???

The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.

The trees are whistling for the dogs.

The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

Hot water now comes out of both taps.

You can make sun tea instantly.

You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.

The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.

You discover that in August it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.

You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.

You actually burn your hand opening the car door.

You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.

Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"

You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.

Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.

The cows are giving evaporated milk.

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*

davidarochelle wrote:How Hot It IT???

Thanks for the jokes davida. It's hot in NJ today - 93 degrees now and going up to 98. Actually it's too hot to even go in my swimming pool today. Keep the water bottles handy everybody.

Cindigirl,
Too bad I can't send G to NJ to make it hotter for you, or to make the current heat more tolerable. LOL I'm going to be enjoying "the scenery" at the Palms Casino Pool today. I like musicals, so may break my TC ban and see "Rock of Ages" at the Palms too. Has anyone seen it?

the drugs one was soooooooooooooo funny!
thanks
(hope NOT REAL TOO!!! )

davidarochelle wrote:Cindigirl,
Too bad I can't send G to NJ to make it hotter for you, or to make the current heat more tolerable.

Thanks davida on your well wishes for the heat. I'll pass on the George part though, unless he wants to spend the day standing under a cold shower with me. LOL

How Hot Is It is hilarious! Thanks, dr!

just 'backed' my way up the thread....why cindigirl! you're positively raunchy! I loved it!!!!! Those 2 jokes will def be passed on to my buds!

I hope the jokes weren't too raunchy for some folks. Like I said I'm from New Jersey, but in all fairness my friend from Texas sent me the emails. So Texans are just as bad. LOL

Okay... I must be honest... Cindi, the drug joke made me LOL !!! Who thinks up these things?

a devilish mind
(the same mind who tought about the priest/nun one)

Thanks for all the great jokes. I needed them bad today! Made me smile real big!!!

The Potato

Well, Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and
finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam.'

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.
They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!

But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either. She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland. And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries.

And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she
wouldn't get scalloped.

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't
associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the
other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University)
so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.

But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and
announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw. (yowza!)

Tom Brokaw!

Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't
possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just.......







A COMMON TATER............

Good one playful LOL

I'll look at my chips in a new light now !

play?
can't see nothing ---

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years,"
the expert explained.
"She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time.

One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying
several things at once?'"

"Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert.
"It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast.

Now I do it in seven."

Young Alec and his parents were drinking at the bar in a train station when they heard a whistle.

The three of them rushed out of the bar onto the platform
only to discover that they had missed the train.
"The next train is in one hour," said the stationmaster.

The three went back into the bar.
The parents had another drink, young Alec had a coke.
Again they heard a whistle, rushed out and discovered
the train pulling away.
"Next one is sixty minutes from now!" said the stationmaster.

An hour later, young Alec, with his mum and dad, raced out onto the platform and his parents leaped onto the train as it pulled away.

The young boy was left standing on the platform and
began to laugh uproariously.

"Your parents just left you," said the stationmaster.
"Why are you laughing?"

"They only came to see me off!"

SMART ASS ANSWERS

It was mealtime during an airline flight. 'Would you like dinner?', the passenger asked 'what are my choices?"
She replied yes or no.

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly... I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.

THEY ARE FINALLY TOGETHER...

Judy got married and had 13 children.
Her first husband, Ted, died of cancer.
She married again, and she and Bob had 7 more children.
Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.
Judy again remarried, and this time, she and John had 5 more children.
Judy finally died, after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they are finally together ."

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret..........
" Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"

Margaret replied, "I think he means her legs, Ethel.. . Her legs."

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. And is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about gambling, alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks - skeptically, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

hahahahahaha everybody! thanks for the laffs!!!!

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Indubitably

Innovative

Preliminary

Proliferation

Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Specificity

British Constitution

Passive-aggressive disorder

Loquacious

Quadruple bypass

Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Thanks, but I don't care to have sex.

Nope, no more beer for me.

Sorry, you're not really my type.

Good evening officer,isn't it lovely out tonight.

Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

Men Strike Back ! ! !

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------!
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men

until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Deleted scene from Oceans's 11 ?
No...George would have left it in !



Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table.

A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier
when I'm completely nude."

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,
"Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed...
"YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up
her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed...

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered,
"I don't know - I thought you were watching."

melbert wrote:hahahahahaha everybody! thanks for the laffs!!!!

Melly, where'd your avatar come from? Don't recognize the photo event.

Playfuldeb - your avatar 'does things for me' that require either time alone or a cold shower. Thanks for the thrill of one sexy picture of george!

I "stole" it from that article in 2008 (I think) that was posted that he was a single man again. I don't ever recall seeing it before, so I just got click happy and slapped it on up here!!!

melbert wrote:I "stole" it from that article in 2008 (I think) that was posted that he was a single man again. I don't ever recall seeing it before, so I just got click happy and slapped it on up here!!!

well, it's a bangin' photo of George, too! thanks!

Yup it is! I'll take that finger out of his mouth and replace it with something else...

Oh, I am SO tracking with that thought.......

WOW!!!

glad I could help your fantasies along Lakin. Enjoy ~

Woodpeckers


A Mexican Woodpecker and a Canadian Woodpecker were in
Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees.
The Mexican Woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no
Woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian Woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly
pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.

The Mexican Woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian Woodpecker then challenged the Mexican
Woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely
'impeccable' (a term frequently used by Woodpeckers).

The Mexican Woodpecker expressed confidence that he
could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican
Woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeccable'
tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both Woodpeckers were now terribly confused.
How is it that the Canadian Woodpecker was able
to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican
Woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree,
yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

After much Woodpecker pondering, they both
came to the same conclusion.

Apparently, Tiger Woods was right, when he said,
'Your pecker gets
harder when you're away from home.'

There are many pages of funny photos here....
for those boring wet/hot/cold days when there's nothing else
to do but browse the interweb


http://www.habeeb.com/funny.photos.html

LOOOOOl thanks
sooo funny!

THE ENGINEER


An engineer walked into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male
pharmacist.
The elderly woman he was talking to said that she was the only qualified person as her chemist husband had died so she and her widowed sister now owned the shop.
There were no males employed there but she then asked whether she could help the gentleman.

The engineer said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male chemist.

She assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss,
he could be confident that she would treat him
with the highest level of professionalism.

The engineer agreed and began by saying,
"This is tough for me to
discuss, but I have a permanent erection.
It causes me a lot of problems and
severe embarrassment
and I was wondering what you could give me for it."

The chemist said,
"Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said,
"We've discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, one third ownership in the shop,
a company car, and
£1,500 a month, plus living expenses.”

When the surgeon came to see Blonde Bambie on the day after her operation, she asked him somewhat hesitantly just how long it would be before she could resume her sex life.

"Uh, I hadn't really thought about it" replied the stunned surgeon.

"You're the first one ever to ask that after a tonsillectomy."

At last...Blonde Men Jokes


Why did the blond man miss his flight?
He was just getting to the airport, so he went to Arrivals.

Why did the blond man miss his second flight?
He was sure Gate C-3 was after gate B-2 which
should have been after A-1.

Why did the blond man get arrested by Airport Security?
The sign said 'Declare All Valuables' so he showed
the officer the Family Jewels.

Why were there no great blond male gunfighters in the old west?
They went broke having to buy a new gun
after every six shots

How do you kill a blond man?
Tell him to read the bumper sticker on the front of a truck.

How do you confuse a blond man?
Tell him to alphabetically sort Social Security Numbers.

Why couldn't the blond man go on a coffee break?
They didn't have Double Mocha Latte Decaf with
Almond Essence in the vending machine.

Why did the blond man get thrown out of the truck stop?
He ordered a Double Mocha Latte Decaf with Almond Essence.

Why did the blond man drown?
The sign said 'NO SWIMMING'.

An office manager arrives at his department and sees
an employee sitting behind his desk totally stressed out.

He gives him the advice:
"I went home every afternoon for two weeks and had myself pampered by my wife.
It was fantastic and it really helped, you should try it too!".

Two weeks later when the manager arrives at his department
he sees the man happy and full of energy at his desk.
The faxes are piling up and the computer is running at full speed.

"I see you followed my advice?".

"I did", answers the employee,
"It was great!

By the way, nice house!".

funny

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XIzguIqUOsk&feature=related

sweet

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=99vuh2OcZfw&feature=related

The second one is lovely I M.

The second video is very sweet it's me - the dog seems to be looking at his or her master as if to say "Am I doing this right?"

yes
really sweet

thanks

Funny one playful....sounds about right

ohhh poor boy!

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil.
One said to the other, 'What do you think about all this Satan stuff?'
The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out.
It's probably just your Dad..'

*******************************************************

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers.

The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.'

The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper,he calls it a song, they give him $100.'

The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!'

**********************************************

A police recruit was asked during the exam,
'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?'
He answered, 'Call for backup.'

**********************************************
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!' While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running
again! As she ran she once again began to pray, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please
don't shove me either!'

Why nagging doesn't work!


What a woman says:
"This place is a mess! C'mon, You and I need to clean up,
Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear,
if we don't do laundry right now!"

What a man hears:
blah, blah, blah, blah,
C'MON blah, blah, blah, blah,
YOU AND I blah, blah, blah, blah,
ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, blah,
NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah, blah,
RIGHT NOW