March general chit chat

PlayfulDeb, I'm exhausted just reading all that. lol

Should we all type softly so we don't irritate Katie's pounding head? lol

exhausting indeed!

poor girl!

oh my gosh, you ladies are so funny. Thanks for the laffs. You're the reason I come here; you're my feel-good friends.

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'

'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'
'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied.. 'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is
the least of your problems!'

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!
As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's Annual Marathon,
so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity,
jogged closer.

Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.
'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'

Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?'
'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked,
'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'

'Nope.....just when it's raining.'

hehehe

Just in case any Brits have Cash Isa's, the annual subscription amount
is increased from April to £5640.

A rainy day may come....

Cash Isa??


what is it?

(nice joke )

Tax Free Savings accounts in UK, I M

GETTING OLD

As I've aged, I've become kinder to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend.
I have seen too many dear friends leave this world, too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.
Whose business is it, if I choose to read, or play, on the computer, until 4 AM, or sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60 &70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love, I will.
I will walk the beach, in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves, with abandon, if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set.
They, too, will get old.
I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And, I eventually remember the important things

Sure, over the years, my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break, when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But, broken hearts are what give us strength, and understanding, and compassion. A heart never broken, is pristine, and sterile, and will never know the joy of being imperfect.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning grey, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.

As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong.
So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day (if I feel like it).
MAY OUR FRIENDSHIP NEVER COME APART, ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S STRAIGHT FROM THE HEART!

I like that one pattygirl and agree....
except for the swimsuit bit

That was well said pattygirl, I'm at the point where I'm still grieving over what I can no longer do as well or as fast as I use to.

A little long but a good laugh for people in the over 50 group !!!

When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship.
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot."

P.S. I know some of you are not over 50. I sent it to you to allow you to forward it to those who are. Us senior citizens don't need anymore gadgets. The tv remote and the garage door remote are about all we can handle.

lucy, no point in grieving over the things that life hands us that we can't accomplish. Accept that age is a limiting factor, in some cases, and do the best possible job even if it takes twice or even three times as long to do it. We do what we can at our own speed and the heck with everyone else.

PattyGirl and CindiGirl - thanks for those! I am now validated!!!

Validated ?
Is that the same as circumcised melbert ?

Good one cindi



Drunk Driver

A man stumbles out of a bar one night obviously drunk.

He makes his way down the street knocking into everything
in his path.

A police officer watches him from a cruiser across the street.

The man comes up to a parked car, fumbles around in his pockets, gets his keys, and proceeds to drive away.

The police officer, unbelieving what he saw, pulls the man over
a few blocks down the road.

The man gives a breathalizer for the officer and to the officer's amazement - the guy was stone cold sober.

"I can't believe it! I watched you walk to this car, drive erratic all the way down the road, and my machine says you have no alcohol
in your system!
How can that be???"

"Oh that's easy", replies the man.
"Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

Not So Dumb

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table.
A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier
when I'm completely nude".

With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice
and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!"

Then she hollered.... "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"

She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers.
With that she picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers just stared at
each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I thought YOU were watching!"

Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but most men are gullible.

ROFL Joanna - not all blondes are dumb but ALL men are gullible especially when it comes to a free "peek show." LOL

Unless they're G.A.Y. maybe ?
I can just see that scene...be good in a film

Ocean's 14 maybe?

That would be good! Good jokes once again.

At the Irish wedding reception the D.J. yelled...

"Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living?"

The bartender was almost crushed to death

A Catholic Joke

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

" Rome ?Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome .. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking BA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"BA?" exclaimed the hairdresser.. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it..."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of BA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and
I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a £5 million remodelling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too, were
overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican , a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room andwait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me"

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"

He said:
"Who the f**k did your hair?”

pattygirl, thanks !!

LOL!

have you all a nice day
bye!!!

thx patty !

LOL

"A Visit from my Agent"

After a difficult day a struggling actor returns to his neighborhood and is shocked to find a cadre of police and fire trucks surrounding the smoldering remains of his house.

Explaining who he was he asks "What happened?"

"Well," one of the officer's says, "It seems that your agent came by your house earlier today and while he was here he attacked your wife, assaulted your children, beat your dog and burned your house to the ground."

The actor is struck speechless, his jaw hanging open in disbelief...

"My agent came to my house?"


$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$££££$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$



"The Devil and The Agent"

The Devil tells a Hollywood Agent, "Look, I can make you richer, more famous, and more successful than any agent alive.
In fact, I can make you the greatest agent that ever lived."

"Well," says the agent, "what do I have to do in return?"

The Devil smiles, "Well, of course you have to give me your soul,"
he says, "but you also have to give me the souls of your children, the souls of your children's children and, as a matter of fact,
you have to give me the souls of all your descendants
throughout eternity."

"Wait a minute," the agent says cautiously,

"What's the catch?"

Video of a card trick in Times Square, New York. Can anybody figure out how he did this?

https://www.youtube.com/v/Uh0CMcLiRkw%26feature%3dshare

It's magic CindiGirl, it's magic...

found that

This video is indeed a fake, but it's very entertaining and well done. It was a student project by Eric Wagner and Sharon Ma, at the School of Visual Arts in New York City. It combines footage of real street magician Dave Cremin and 3D animation by Wagner and Ma. To read the story behind the making of the video, do a Google search on "sva portfolios card trick". Great video, though!

rforgaard


very well done!

Thanks it's me.

Lmao @ the jokes. Joanna and Patty, you guys are killing me.

I do hope this will not cause offence to anyone who reads it.
I just got it from a fellow dog owner.....


1. My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.

2. She has her food prepared for her.
3. She can eat whenever she wants, 24/7/365.

4. Her meals are provided at no cost to her.
5. She visits the doctor once a year for her check-up, and again during the year if any medical needs arise.
For this she pays nothing and nothing is required of her.

6. She lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than she needs, but she is not required to do any upkeep.
If she makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.

7. She has her choice of luxurious places to sleep.
8. She receives these accommodations absolutely free.
9. She is living like a Princess, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.

All of her costs are picked up by others.... who used to go out and
earn a living every day, in order to pay for their pensions !


I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me in the head like a ton of bricks..........

My dog must be an Illegal Immigrant!!

nooo
poor people!

anyway nice joke about poor dogs!

but our oets give us
unconditional
LOVE!!!

Just Saying Goodbye....


To help save the economy, the Government will announce
next month that the Immigration Department will start
deporting seniors (instead of illegal’s) in order to lower
Social Security and Medicare costs.

Older people are easier to catch and will not
remember how to get back home.
I started to cry when I thought of you all here....

Then it dawned on me ... oh, crap ...
I'll see you on the bus!

too, too funny!! Save me a seat!!!

A couple were celebrating 50 years together..

Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one. 'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a
patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."

"Not to worry," said the father. "The important thing is that we're all together today."

Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you."

"It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."

Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."

After they had finished dessert, the father said,
"There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."

The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're bastards?"

"Yep," said the father. "And cheap ones too."

indigirl, regarding the card trick
http://www.dreamlandmagic.com/haunted-card-deck-trick.html

Love that joke zizi. I'm a little to young for that bus yet but send me a card. LOL

A Conversation in Heaven.

SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda.

WANDA: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

SYLVIA: I froze to death.

WANDA: How horrible!

SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.

What about you?

WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

SYLVIA: So, what happened?

WANDA:
I was so sure there was another woman there, somewhere, that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

SYLVIA:
Too bad you didn't look in the freezer we'd both still be alive.

LOL I didn't see that one coming.

How Old am I?

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday.
He spends £4,000 and feels really good about the result.

On his way home he stops at a newsstand, buys a paper and says to the sales man, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 34," was the reply.
"I'm actually 46," says the man happily.

About a while later he went for lunch to McDonald's and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is,
"I'm guessing that you're about 30?"
"Nope, I am actually 46." He's starting to feel really good
about himself.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman
the same question.

She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is poor.
But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your p*nis for
ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."

As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell
and let her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done.
I know you're 46"

Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonald's".

Two Friends - Flower Shop...


Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.

She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying
me flowers again."
The blonde looks quizzically at her and says,
"You don't like getting flowers?"

The redhead says, "I love getting flowers, but he always
has expectations after giving me flowers...
I just don't feel like spending the next three days
on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

Puzzle Solved

The chicken and the egg are laying in bed.

The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile
on its face while the egg is frowning...
and looking slightly annoyed.

The egg mutters..... "Well I guess that answers THAT riddle"

hu!
great quality

but the 85 years old Lady (...?) is the best of them

Follow the instructions below once you are on the link.

I got this today from a mate...think GTC might like it ??


You've got to see this.

First, look and see the Whale under the water.
Keep your cursor OUT of the picture until you see the Whale.

Then move your mouse cursor onto the picture, but stand back, you might get wet (it's like it's 3D).
Click on the picture when it loads completely and be sure
that your sound is on

CLICK ON: http://www.toilette-humor.com/cartoon.html

Worlds Most Dangerous Creature

Spider Alert !!!!

http://www.toilette-humor.com/funny_medical_cartoons/the_snow_job.shtml

For those of us at a "certain age" ! Sound needed...

http://www.toilette-humor.com/funny_old_people/baby_boomers.shtml

can't see

any!



(nice avatar, JO )