March general chit chat

New month, new thread!!

I'm busy ordering DVDs from the German version of Amazon but the German titles of films is really killing me. How about "Over the roofs of Nice" starring Cary Grant and Grace Kelly? Or "A heart and a throne" starring Gregory Peck and Audrey Hepburn.

Hope I actually end up ordering the films I think I'm ordering!

LoL, hopefully you won't end up with a bunch of German porn. Unless...that's what you're in to...

After having tornado warnings last night, it is absolutely gorgeous here today. I'm even thinking about grilling some burgers tonight for dinner. Spring has sprung!

Ha! It keeps getting better: 'The soldier James Ryan' starring Tom Hanks is a bargain at 4 euros.

I'm also intrigued by 'If love were so simple' starring Meryl Streep, Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin. If you're after a bit of romcom, you can't go wrong with 'She is the bride, herself' with Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds.

Hey, happy March 1st everybody. I just heard good news for me - my son's new wife Ethel is going to have a baby in August. I reminded Ethel that no drugs can be administered to the mother during delivery but the father can have all he wants. LOL

Congrats Cindigirl! August is a good month. We Leos are good people.

Congrats, Cindi. As MGK said we Leos are good people. Hope your kids keep it going - maybe you'll catch up with me, ha ha!

Thanks so much ladies.

The thing is that having a baby in August means going all summer in labor. UGH. I had my son in September and it was brutal!

Congrats Grandma CindiGirl!

Good news cindi-gran. Enjoy

Congratulations Cindigirl....there is nothing like a new baby to bring out the smiles.....

Thanks everybody - I've been dreaming of become a "granny" my whole life. LOL

OHHHHHH, now's the time to plot your revenge on your son, spoil that granbaby. Congrates cindigirl, wishing all the best for all of yours.

they say
granny is worse than being a mother
in love
and spoiling babies!!!

Sorry about this....just received it from a Mad Mate....




MURDER AT TESCO


Tired of constantly
Being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend'
Put him in touch with a strange, dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'
Artie explained to the husband that his going
price for snuffing out a spouse was £10,000.


The
Husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested inside.
Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the
pound as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the
local Tesco Supermarket.
There, he surprised her in the produce department and
proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor
unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene.
Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However,
Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop's security guard, who immediately called the police.
Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the premises.

Under intense
Questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid
plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless
husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the
newspaper, the headline declared...

(You're
Going to hate me for this...)


'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for £1.00 @ Tesco

An Italian MaMa


Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner.
He lives with a female ' roommate ' , Maria.


During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact,
she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl.
You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote an email:


Dear MaMa,

I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house ; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it.

But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Your Loving Son

Anthony


Several days later, Anthony received a response email from
his MaMa which read:

Dear son,

I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her.

But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed,
she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Your Loving MaMa


Moral:

Never Bulla Shita your MaMa

I don't care if this is true or not....
It's SuperFabulous !


Conversation overheard on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai ..

Iranian Air Defence Site: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'

Aircraft: 'This is a British aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'

Air Defence Site: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace....
we will launch interceptor aircraft!'

Aircraft: 'This is a Royal Air Force GR4 Tornado fighter.
Send 'em up..... I'll wait!'

Air Defence Site: ( .... total silence)

I love the RAF

SON OF A BITCH FISH!

The parish priest went on a fishing trip.
On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and
proceeded to reel it in.

The guide, holding a net, yelled, "Look at the size of that
Son of a Bitch!"

"Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"

"No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a Bitch fish!"

"Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!"

Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.
"Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen."

"Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?"

"Why, eat it! Of course You've never tasted anything
as good as Son of a Bitch!"

Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.

While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.

"Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!"

Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!"

"It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a Bitch fish!"

"Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big
Son of a Bitch?"

Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.

As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.
"What are you doing Sister?"

"Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop's Dinner."

"Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!"

"No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch Fish."

"Really? Well in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course!"
On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect.
The Friar had prepared an excellent meal.
The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.

The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"

"I caught that Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest.

"And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the Sister.

The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch
using a special recipe!"

The new Bishop looked around at each of them.

A big smile crept across his face as he said,


"You F*****s are my kind of people!"

the ARTIE CHOKES is fine (but already posted....)


but the MaMa one is FANTASTIC!

Loved them all Jo. Just copied and sent them to my friends. Can't wait till the next batch!

Just heard about the tornados and the damage caused.
Hope everyone is safe ?

School Excuse Notes


Dear School: Please exscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.
My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs.
Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday.
His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.



Schoolboy Howlers....


.....Includes mention of two of George's films


Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and travelled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him.
Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but another man of that name.
The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and travelled by Camelot.
The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.
In midevil times most people were alliterate.
The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul.
The Ids of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: 'Tee hee, Brutus.'
Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses then went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
Gravity was invented by Issaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn.
Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis.
Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species.
Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.



Milkman's Notes


No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice.
Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me.
Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.
From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk.
Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.
My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play bingo tonight.
Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday.
Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.
Milkman, please could I have a loaf but not bread today.
So sorry about yesterday's note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round.

Those Wanting To Be Married

Father Henry was planning a wedding at the close of
the morning service.
After the benediction Father Henry had planned to call the couple down to be married for a brief ceremony before the congregation.

For the life of him, he couldn't think of the names of those who were to be married.

'Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?' Father Henry requested.

Immediately; nine single ladies, three widows,
four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.

Here are funny classifed ads placed by actual senior citizens
in Florida plus a few from Arizona.


Male, 1922, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.

Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga, and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out, and enjoy quiet times.

Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob, and caramel candy.

I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights, and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.

Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5' 4" (used to be 5' 6"), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

80-year-old, bubbly, no assets, seeks handsome, virile Jewish male under 35. Object matrimony. I can dream, can't I?

Yes, I am a Senior Citizen.....

I'm the life of the party - even if it lasts until 8 pm.

I'm very good at opening childproof caps - with a hammer.

I'm usually interested in going home before I get to
where I am going.

I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying.

I'm very good at telling stories; over and over and over
and over..............

I'm not really grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, lawyers, loud music, unruly kids, barking dogs, politicians and a few other things I can't seem to remember right now.

I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy.... and that's just my left leg.

I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days,
and when did they let kids become policemen?

I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?

I'm a walking storeroom of facts - I've just lost the key to the storeroom door.

LOOOOOL!!! some of them are really......

T H A N K S !!!

Funny Human Resources Story

A big steel company was feeling it was time for a shakeup so they hired a new head of human resources. Well, the new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, this HR supremo noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business; so he asked the guy,
"How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said,
"I make $500 a week. Why?"

The Human Resources boss said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $2,000 in cash and said,
"Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the new boss looked around the room and asked,
"Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?"

From across the room a voice said,
"Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

hehehehehe!!!!

Thanks for the funny jokes today Joanna. I especially liked the Human Resource story. Now where can I get a job like that?

A young friend of mine, after leaving Uni years ago, got a temporary
job working on a magazine for Robert Maxwell.
Maxwell sacked someone instantly for whistling as he walked along a corridor. He was a visiting electrician, called in to fix something.
So, it does happen !

only now I red about it

http://www.indystar.com/article/20120303/NEWS/120302020/Indiana-tornado-destroys-Marysville-Ind-

it seems impossible...
poor people

A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that could pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave.

Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the city, stands up and proclaims, "If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!" The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.

Joe Tavares stands up and says, "If the preacher stays I will provide him with all the wine he wants."

Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Preacher stays, I will give him sex!" There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her, "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?"

Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies, "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said,'Screw him!'"

Live long, Laugh often, Love a lot,

Live long, Laugh often, Love a lot

Tornados

here in Germany they mentioned Kentucky

I hope it's all ok

here too

it's so scaring to me....

Joanna & CindiGirl!! Cracked me up with the jokes!!

I've been watching the news on the tornados. My prayers to everyone affected.

Love all the jokes!

We had 4 tornado warnings last night. From 1pm till midnight it was one series of storms after another. A tornado touched down just south of us and one touched down just north of us, probably 15-20 minutes away. No injuries have been reported so that was good news. We live near the mountains so it's very rare for us to actually have tornadoes in our county. At one point they said we had tropical storm and hurricane force winds. I hope this isn't any indication of how the rest of spring is going to be.

Glad to hear you came through the tornado threat safely. Mother Nature is nothing to take lightly. She can be very beautiful and very nasty.

No injuries have been reported so that was good news.

we all are glad of that

NOW, I'ts Me.

Glad to know everyone is safe. Love all the jokes that first one Joanna about Artie Chokes that was just bad, really my kind of joke. LOL

From the mouths of babes:

As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing. After mulling over my answers, she remarked, 'My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them..'

*****

Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little wistful. 'In ten years,' I said, 'you'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now. Carolyn shrugged. 'In ten years you'll be too old to do all those things anyway.'

Second one cindi...True, very True....

Thanks....

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.


As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian
fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car."


Priceless!

Right on PattyGirl!!!!

WOW!

LOL I love that police joke. That is so true. And little kids say the funniest things! Keep the jokes coming.

Thanks for that good joke pattygirl...
one for me to pass on

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried
this creative defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied.
"Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm
to one year's imprisonment.
He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled.
And, with his lawyer's assistance, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench and walked out.

knocked!