JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

This seems to have been created with our man in mind !


It seems that life goes by resembling somewhat
of a bell curve of what is considered successful...



At age 4...success is...not peeing in your pants.

At age 10...success is...making your own meals.

At age 12...success is...having friends.

At age 16...success is...having a drivers license.

At age 20...success is...having sex.

At age 35...success is...having money.

At age 50...success is...having money.

At age 60...success is...having sex.

At age 70...success is...having a drivers license.

At age 75...success is...having friends.

At age 80...success is...making your own meals.

At age 85...success is...not peeing in your pants.

wow!! I think I'm already on the downhill slide!

I'm currently reading this book
and it's hilarious !

Simple Truths

Partners help each other undress before sex. However after sex, they always dress on their own. Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and saying "congrats". But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say "Good job". Moral of the story: "Hard work is never appreciated.

No Underwear - Makes Sense to Me
A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down. 'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?' he asked again. The old man slowly looked at him and said, 'Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.'

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE

1. Money can not buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the ass-hole’s name.
3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.


THERE YOU HAVE IT...and remember, life is good!

Cindigirl,
Thanks for some great laughs, as always.

You're welcome davida -
and thanks for the video Jo - it's adorable.

cindi those are all good

Jo, are they making the book into a movie???

cindigirl, you made me laugh out loud! thanks! can't wait to forward those to my friends!

No Lakin, no film, just some folk having fun with the book.



Here is the author reading a little from the book

Bagpiper at a funeral

I found this anonymous article deeply moving -- I hope you do, too.

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a Pauper's' cemetery in the back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say;
"I NEVER SEEN NOTHIN' LIKE THAT BEFORE AND I'VE BEEN PUTTING IN SEPTIC TANKS FOR TWENTY YEARS."

Apparently I'm still lost....it's a man thing

Oh yes pattygirl...I am SO moved

That was so funny patty - surprise ending. Wonder what happened to the homeless man's body.

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence
at the White House in D.C..

One from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, Florida. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some Measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.
"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says,
"I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The New Jersey contractor whispers back,
"$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire
the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.




Sorry cindi......LOL

The Baptismal



A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher.

The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says,
"Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says,
"Yes, Preacher... I sure am."

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water
and pulls him right back up.
"Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.

"No, I didn't!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer,
brings him up and says,
"Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

"No, I did not Reverend."

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone,
"My Good man, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and asks the preacher...
"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

Joanna, I almost choked reading the last sentence of your joke. I love subtle humor.

A Variety of Funny Monday Quotes

I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting. Ronald Reagan

This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

I went to the doctors the other day and I said,
'Have you got anything for wind?'
So he gave me a kite.
Tommy Cooper

If you look like your passport picture, you probably
needed the weekend trip.

Many people die of thirst but the Irish are born with one.
Spike Milligan


Monday Jokes - Having a Bad Day with Your Computer?

Perhaps one of these sites can help you:

Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at
www.therapistfinder.com

Then of course, there's the Italian Power Generator company...
www.powergenitalia.com

Visit these brainless art designers, and their whacky website:
www.speedofart.com

More Samples of Monday Jokes:


Sign on Motorway Garage:

PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS.
YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH, BUT OUR PETROL IS

Spotted in a Safari Park:

ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Funny Warning Labels on Appliances

On a cardboard windshield sun-shade:
'Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place' .

Why Pumpkins are Better than Men?

Each year you get a brand new crop to choose from.
Also, they are always on the doorstep there waiting to greet you.




Funny Notices Seen in Hotel Bedrooms:

Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please.
If you are not person to do such thing,
please not to read notice.

Please to bathe inside the tub.

Please leave your values at the front desk.

You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of
the opposite sex in the bedroom,
it is suggested that the lobby
be used for this purpose.

You Make Me Laugh

Self-Evident Truths About Pets

* Although cats are rather delicate creatures, and they are subject to a good many ailments, I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.

* Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.

* Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

* Dogs shed, cats shred.

* I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult?

* No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.

* Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

* I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.

* Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.

* We wonder why the dogs always drink out of our toilets, but look at it from their point of view: Why do humans keep peeing into their water bowls?

* Women and cats will do as they please ... men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

* When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.

Good one about pets davida

Do you have a pet..... I mean a four legged one
of course

Eleven People on a Rope

Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter.
Ten men and one woman.

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise
they were all going to fall.

They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman
gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because,
as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general,
and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech,
all the men started clapping !

He got his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph,
enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing
the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol
behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

He floored it to 100mph, then 110, then 120.
Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this,"
and pulled over to await the Trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the Corvette,
looked at his watch and said,
"Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes.
Today is Friday.

If you can give me a reason for speeding that
I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused.

Then said, "30 years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the Trooper

Too Sick to Work


Hung Chow calls in to work and says,
"Hey, boss I not come work today,
I really sick. I got headache,
stomachache and my legs hurt.
I not come work."

The boss says,
"You know Hung Chow, I really need you today.
When I feel like this I go to my wife
and tell her to give me sex.
That makes everything better and
I can go to work. You should try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again:
"Boss, I do what you say and I feel great.
I be at work soon.

You got nice house."

hahahahaha to ALL of them!!!!

Housework is a woman's job

But one evening, Janice arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer, Dinner was on the stove, and the table set.

She was astonished!
It turns out that Chuck had read an article that said
'Wives who work full-time and had to do their
own housework
were to tired to have sex'.

The night went very well.

The next day, Janice told her woman friends all about it.

'We had a great dinner. Chuck even cleaned up the kitchen.
He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry
and put it away.
I really enjoyed the evening.'

'But what about afterward?' asked her friends.
'It was wonderful,
Chuck was too tired.'

From "You Make Me Laugh"

Fishing Wife
"So, what's the matter?" asked one woman of her friend over coffee. "I thought you just got back from a nice relaxing fishing trip with your husband."

"Oh, everything went wrong," the second woman answered.

"First, he said I talked so loud I would scare the fish.

Then he said I was using the wrong bait; and then that I was reeling in too soon.

"All that might have been all right; but to make matters worse, I ended up catching the most fish!"

Thanks to Pastor Tim for this Joke of the Day

Blonde Pilot

This is the story of the poor dizzy blonde flying
in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.

He has a heart attack and dies.

She, frantic, calls out a May Day.

"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me!
My pilot had a heart attack and is dead.
And I don't know how to fly.
Help me! Please help me!"

She hears a voice over the radio saying:

"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud
and clear.
I will talk you through this and
Get you back on the ground.
I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem.
'Now, just take a deep breath.
Everything will be fine!

Now give me your height and position."

She says,
"I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."

"O.K." says the voice on the radio....

"Repeat after me:

Our Father. . Who art in Heaven. .. "

Subject: Giraffe Test
Good luck on the test.
hope this adds a little laughter to your day.......please take the test and don't cheat...
Giraffe Test

There are 4 questions. Don’t miss one.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.




The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2 How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?

Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions..


3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals
Attend .... Except one. Which animal does not attend?



Correct Answer : The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory.. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and
You do not have a boat. How do you manage it?




Correct Answer:? You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the
Professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively proves the theory that most professionals do not have the brains of a four-year-old

Just got this from a mate....apologies for the length of it


A Cold Snap

Cold spell tonight............Any plants outside that
need to be brought in?

Grass snakes, also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis), can be dangerous.
Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.

Here's why.

A couple in Sweetwater,Texas, had a lot of potted plants.
During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.
It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was
hidden in one of the plants.
When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.
He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it.
About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind.
He thought the snake had bitten him,
so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she covered him up,
told him to lie still and called an ambulance.
The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests,
loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa
and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped
his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg
and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house,
so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake.
He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch..
Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions,
where she felt the snake wriggling around.
She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.
The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him.
She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey,
and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now, the police had arrived.

Breathe here...

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey,
and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred.
They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake !
The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor
and his sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa
and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it.
He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table.
The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and,
as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames,
and fell through the window into the yard on top of
the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street,
where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and
called in the fire department.
The firemen had started raising the fire ladder
when they were halfway down the street.
The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power,
and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area
(but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed!

Both men were discharged from the hospital,
the house was repaired, the dog came home,
the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman
announced a cold snap for that night.

The wife asked her husband if he thought they
should bring in their plants for the night.

....And that's when he shot her.

Sorry if you've seen this already...friend emailed to me....just in time for summer:


Buying a Bathing Suit

In the 1950s, the bathing suit for the mature figure was-boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift, and they did a good job. Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip.
The mature woman has a choice, she can either go up front to the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus that escaped from Disney's Fantasia, or she can wander around every run-of-the-mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluorescent rubber bands.
What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which gives the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you would be protected from shark attacks. Any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.
I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place I gasped in horror, my boobs had disappeared!
Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib.
The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is now meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment.
The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fitted those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom and sides. I looked like a lump of Playdoh wearing undersized cling wrap.
As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, "Oh, there you are," she said, admiring the bathing suit.
I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me. I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two-piece that gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serving ring.
I struggled into a pair of leopard-skin bathers with ragged frills and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a rough day.
I tried on a black number with a midriff fringe and looked like a jellyfish in mourning.
I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.
Finally, I found a suit that fit, it was a two-piece affair with a shorts-style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured.
When I got it home, I found a label that read, "Material might become transparent in water."
So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water this year and I'm there too, I'll be the one in cut-off jeans and a T-shirt!

Just got this from a mate.....


The Great Australian Drover


Drover: "Give me three packets of condoms, please."

Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"

Drover: "Nah.... She ain't that ugly."

ohhhhhhh, now that's funny!

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend
from across the street and asked him to cover for him.
The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.
The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the confessional.
In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned.
The priest asks, "What did you do?"
The woman says, "I committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times?"
Woman: "Three times."
Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put five dollars in the box, and go and sin no more."
A few minutes later, a man enters the confessional. He says,
"Father, forgive me for I have sinned."
Priest: "What did you do?"
Man: "I committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times?"
Man: "Three times."
Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put five dollars in the box, and go and sin no more."
The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the Priest leaves.
A few minutes later, another woman enters and says,
"Father, forgive me for I have sinned."
Rabbi: "What did you do?"
Woman: "I committed adultery."
Rabbi: "How many times?"
Woman: "Once."
Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for five dollars."

Thanks silly girl, joanna, patty and playful for the jokes. ALL very funny! Loved the bathing suit experience. LOL

I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.

he reads us!!!

You Make Me Laugh From Pastor Tim

Government Pipe Specifications
1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic centered around the hole.

2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length - do not use holes of different length than the pipe.

3. The I.D. (inside diameter) of all pipe must not exceed the O.D. (outside diameter) - otherwise the hole will be on the outside.

4. All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.

5. All pipe should be supplied without rust - this can be more readily applied at the job site. N.B. Some Vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipe. If available in your area, this product is recommended as it will save a lot of time on the job site.

6. All pipe over 500 ft (153m) in length should have the words "long pipe" clearly painted on each end, so the Contractor will know it is a long pipe.

7. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2 km) in length must have the words "very long pipe" painted in the middle, so the Contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether or not it is a long pipe or a very long pipe.

8. All pipe over 6" (152 mm) in diameter must have the words "large pipe" painted on it, so the Contractor will not mistake it for small pipe.

9. Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes for bolts quite separate from the big hole in the middle.

10. When ordering 90 degrees, 45 degrees or 30 degrees elbow, be sure to specify right hand or left hand; otherwise you will end up going the wrong way.

11. Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipe for going uphill, the water will flow the wrong way.

12. All couplings should have either right hand or left hand thread, but do not mix the threads - otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on one pipe, it is unscrewed from the other.

As a former employee in the water business, some of these are so very true!!!! Thanks Davida!

Melbert,
Was it the government regulations that were nonsensical or the managers at the Water Dist? And how did you keep your great sense of humor intact? It's hard for me to support Obama and big government when I deal with blatant fraud, waste and total incompetence from some Las Vegas public employees. And the upper level managers are worse than the lesser paid workers.

There was a little girl
who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.

When she was good,
she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........

She got a fur coat, jewels,
a waterfront condo,
and a sports car.

LOL - so spaghetti grows on trees. Very inventive. Do you think money and men grow on trees too?

My former mother in law used to make her own spaghetti and let it dry on a sheet on the couch. I had to be careful when I visited where I sat down in her house. LOL

I used to tell my kitties when I left them to go to work that "cat food doesn't go on trees." LOL And I sure wish that good quality men did; how much easier it would be to pick the right/ripe one.

cindi & davida !

Joanna,
Always nice that my efforts are appreciated; however, I was SERIOUS.

Yay, my spaghetti farm!!!!

Oh but don't lose your sense of humour over it davida.
Plenty of lovely men in UK you know !

Joanna wrote:

Well, shut my mouth! Spaghetti farmers there are! And to think I doubted you, Mel. Shame on me! Pardon me whilst I go get myself a big slice of humble pie with a side of crow to eat......

silly girl wrote:Sorry if you've seen this already...friend emailed to me....just in time for summer:

Buying a Bathing Suit

Oh my gosh! Silly girl! I was laughing so hard, I started crying and had to stop reading! My rabbit thinks I'm nuts. Thanks for the laugh!

@ Davida - maybe you have to thump them in the head, like cantaloupe or watermelon, to see if they're ready to date.

Playfuldeb,
Ready to date? Or just ready to . . .