MAY Chit Chat

The Lawyer and The Senior Citizen

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other
on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that
he could get one over on them easily.

So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun....
"I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer,
you pay me only $5.00.
Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer,
I will pay you $500.00," he says.

This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet,
he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question.
"What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket,
pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the senior's turn.

He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs,
and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references
he can find on the Net.

He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows;
all to no avail.
After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00.
The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer.
He wakes the senior up and asks,
"Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and
comes down with four?"

The senior reaches into his pocket,
hands the lawyer $5.00,
and goes back to sleep.

LOOOOOOOL

FANTASTICAAA!!!!

Saw this on TV recently and found it so absorbing and wonderful,
I wanted to share it.
OK it's an hour & half, but well worth watching,
on full screen with sound.


[b]

BAD, BAD husband. LOL

A man had two of the best tickets for the golf Masters. As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.. "No", he says, "the seat is empty." "This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this, the biggest golfing event of the whole world, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Masters we haven't been together since we got married."

"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else?.. a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head...

. . . " No. They're all at the funeral. "

Warning

This review of "Veet for Men" may make
grown men cry


"Do NOT put on Knob and Bollocks"

http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews/B000KKNQBK/ref=dp_top_cm_cr_acr_txt?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1

cindigirl wrote:BAD, BAD husband. LOL

A man had two of the best tickets for the golf Masters. As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.. "No", he says, "the seat is empty." "This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this, the biggest golfing event of the whole world, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Masters we haven't been together since we got married."

"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else?.. a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head...

. . . " No. They're all at the funeral. "

OOOHHHHH!!!!! Bad, bad husband!!!!!! LOLOLOL

Actually that could have been my soon to be ex.

Bee Stings

This is a must-read especially during this time of the year.

This information may be something to remember, as this season will soon be here again...

It might be wise to carry a penny in your pocket while working in the yard.......... BEE STINGS !

A couple of weeks ago, I was stung by both a bee and hornet while working in the garden.

My arm swelled up, so I went to the doctor. The clinic gave me cream and an antihistamine. The next day the swelling was getting progressively worse, so I went to my regular doctor. The arm was Infected and needed an antibiotic. The doctor told me - " The next time you get stung, put a penny on the bite for 15 minutes".

That night, my niece was stung by two bees. I looked at the bite and it had already started to swell. So, I taped a penny to her arm for 15 minutes The next morning, there was no sign of a bite We decided that she just wasn't allergic to the sting.

Soon, I was gardening outside. I got stung again, twice by a hornet on my left hand. I thought, here I go again to the doctor for another antibiotic.

I promptly got my money out and taped two pennies to my bites, then sat and sulked for 15 minutes. The penny took the string out of the bite immediately.

In the meantime the hornets were attacking, and my friend was stung on the thumb. Again the penny. The next morning I could only see the spot where the hornet had stung me. No redness, no swelling. My friend's sting was the same; couldn't even tell where she had been stung.

She got stung again a few days later upon her back---cutting the grass! And the penny worked once again.

Wanted to share this marvelous information in case you experience the same problem. We need to keep a stock of pennies on hand.

The doctor said that the copper in the penny counteracts the bite.
It definitely works!

Please remember and pass this information on to your friends, children, grandchildren.

There's a new phone out on the market. Here's the demo on it:

https://www.youtube.com/v/TYIOIM6hHBk&autoplay=1

amuserato wrote:whispering to newbies here:
Psst... don't believe Melbert! Don't do it! She WILL lead you astray
(but, of course, if she pipes? Follow. It will be the the most fun way!)

Thanks Amuserato!!! You're too sweet!!!

Oh WOW!!! Today me completes ONE YEAR in here YAY YAY YAY

Thanks to all of you for putting up with me this far... Thanks Katie... thanks all

Hey pattygirl, great new mobi...must get one !

This is the cutest kitten I'VE EVER SEEN!

a new
adopted
sweet kitty!!!
piccolino.....

I was checking our May calendar and George Cantstandya has a birthday on May 6th. Didn't he have a birthday in April? I really hope there's not more than one. LOL

No cindi, he/she is just messing with the date of GTC's birthday. Don't worry your pretty little head any more LOL

A woman was sipping a glass of wine while sitting on the patio with her husband. "I love you so much," she said, "I don't know how I could ever live without you."

"Is that you or the wine talking?" her husband asked.

"It's me," she said, "talking to the wine."

A Special Preview of
George's 51st Birthday Celebrations
at Casa Clooney

Cool, Joanna!

Hey ladies! Watching the Ky Derby anyone else? It's a tradition in our horse crazy household. Would love to be there. One day...

most exciting 2 minutes in sports!!!!

Exactly, always a surprise ending. Today was no different.

I don't enjoy computer jokes -- not one bit.





I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.


When chemists die, they barium.


Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.


I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.


How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.


I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.


This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.


I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.


They told me I had type-A blood, but it was actually TypeO.


PMS jokes aren't funny. Period.


Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.


My class is going on an educational trip to the Pepsi factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.


I didn't like my beard at first. But after a while, it grew on me.


Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?



I think broken pencils are pointless.


I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.


What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.


England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.


I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.



I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.


All the toilets in New York police stations have been stolen, and the police have nothing to go on.


I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.


French pancakes give me the crepes.


Velcro - what a rip off!


A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Police say the details are sketchy.


Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!


The earthquake in Washington was obviously the government's fault.


Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

thanks, pattygirl! made me several times! I'm a sucker for a good one liner. Funny!

Husband at the computer....

"Baby...did you change the password?"

"Yes Honey"

"What is it ?

"The Date of our Wedding Anniversary"

"You Effing Bitch !"

Love your joke Joanna - oops husband is "busted."

Good one, Jo! You are making me seriously popular at work with your jokes!

Oh jolly good show what....

Shame your working at weekend ?????

No, not working weekend....just pass on the jokes when I'm there. I'm a hit!!! (thanks)

So Lakin...what about my agent's commission then ?



Jokes and all funnies have now got their Very Own Thread
in the Kitchen.

[quote="Joanna"]So Lakin...what about my agent's commission then ?
/quote]

Check's in the mail....

Dickens the golden retreiver and a feisty newborn fawn play on grass. Dickens would rather play than obey. No harm done to the fawn.

Another "Susan Boyle moment" on
Britain's Got Talent last week

Katie, When are you going to group all the games under one overall thread? When only have a few minutes at a time to browse the forum, it's distracting to have to go through all the games to get to the good stuff. I know that some of my friends enjoy all the games but if you could group them together like Joanna suggested with the Jokes, etc. it would be wonderful. I hope nobody takes offense to my suggestion.

pattygirl wrote:Katie, When are you going to group all the games under one overall thread? When only have a few minutes at a time to browse the forum, it's distracting to have to go through all the games to get to the good stuff. I know that some of my friends enjoy all the games but if you could group them together like Joanna suggested with the Jokes, etc. it would be wonderful. I hope nobody takes offense to my suggestion.

I'd be really, really, REALLY happy to do that. My only question is, would the games players be happy to have all of their games jumbled up in one thread together?

As a regular "gamer" I'd be happy to have all the games
under one thread please Katie.

They're jumbled up now amongst all the other interesting
kitchen items.
Sometimes one game gets lost at the back of the kitchen cupboard
and then is past it's sell by date and has to have emergency resuscitation.

As a frequent gamer, I think lumping them all together is an excellent idea , cause neglected games get all depressed and lonely and isolated. If it weren't for Joanna's rescue efforts, we'd be guilty of the demise of innocent and unsuspecting little games.

Seriously, if you put them all together, then they're easy to find and maintain and it's easier to navigaate to the 'good stuff'. (altho IMO the games ARE good stuff. It's been a great and fun way to get to know fellow posters AND majorly bump my number of posts so that I've attained a Clooney status of biblical proportions)

Great! I'll make one master games thread and merge them all together. Hope you'll all be able to figure out which post is for which game, though . . . !

Actually, no, that's not going to work.

Each thread in this forum can't be more than 20 pages long and most of these games threads are already 15 to 20 pages each which means I can't merge them together.

Instead, why don't you start a new thread called 'the super games thread' and not reply to the old, separate, games threads? That way everything will be on one thread and easier for us all to ignore.

The only computer time I get is spent here on COH, sorry to all that I don't contribute more than my(IMO) or my response to one of your post. But think combining games thread will be good for those not familiar with COH, sometimes in latest topics all you see is games, some might think they hit the wrong site.

Ladies -

I just watched The Vow with Rachel McAdams and Channing Tatum. OMG! I cried from beginning to end! I know Rotten Tomatoes only gave it 1 1/2 stars, but I'm tellin' ya', it's a chick flick worth seeing. Loved it! Watch with a botte of wine or your favorite libation. It's time well worth spent! Based on a true story, it was a pure female hormonal delight! Plus, how can you not like the two principal actors? Channing Tatum is a little one dimensional, but Rachel McAdams ROCKS!

Sorry for getting off topic, but hey, we share jokes, why not recommendations?

Glad you had a good time with the film Lakin.
Last 2 films I saw...Tintin.....really good even in blu ray and Snowy the dog is great.
Mission Impossible 4...A+ action thrills !

A woman in her 30's was taking her mother, who was in her 50's to the gynecologist.
After dropping her mother off, she and her daughter ran a few errands, then returned to the doctor.

While the older woman had her feet in the stirrups,
the doctor remarked, "Don't we look pretty today",
as he performed his examination.
The lady was quite shocked, but said nothing.

When her daughter picked her up, she was quite upset.

The Following conversation ensued:

Mother: Do you know what that doctor said to me?
He said, "Don't we look pretty today", while he was looking
between my legs!
Do you think that was appropriate?

Daughter: No! Are you sure he wasn't referring
to your hairstyle or something?

Mother: Well, it still wasn't appropriate or professional.
I wonder if it could be considered sexual harassment.
What do you think?

Daughter: I don't know. We're you embarrassed?

Mother: I was very embarrassed.
I used some of your FDS this morning,
and he may have smelled that,
but I still don't think he should have commented!

Daughter: I don't have any FDS.

Mother: Why, sure you do!
In the blue can that was on back of the toilet.
I used some before the appointment...

Granddaughter: "That's my Barbie Golden Glitter Hair Spray!"

LOLOL!!!!!

CRS Alert.....

CRS ALERT BIG TIME....wrong thread !!

Copy of something I posted elsewhere.
I just thought that there may be some newbies who
don't know about this feature.
I'd hate to think that they might be missing
out on some interesting reading !


View posts since last visit • View your posts •
View unanswered posts

Personally, I've found that the quickest way to find New Posts is to click on "view posts since last visit" at the top of the thread list on the home page.
All the new posts have a flashing red circle next to it. Sometimes there are many more new posts available than are displayed in the rolling list of Latest Topics.
So anyone just using that as a search for New Posts
will often miss some !
IMO there have been many relevant new posts on here every day.
I've posted quite a few videos of George's interviews and George "fan collections" all from youtube lately.

Stand to Attention !
Prince Charles is the weatherman on BBC.
He needs extra money too

Hi guys!
Been off line since early Wed. am and just spent the past 2 hrs. doing catchup. Nothing wrong with my computer. Just took a breather. Didn't watch TV, listen to radio or read newspapers either. Didn't even open my mail.
Want to know what I was doing? I started to read "50 Shades of Grey" and couldn't put it down. Read till I finished book at 2 am.
Thur. I read the second book, and yesterday I read the 3rd.
Last books that I couldn't put down was the Harry Potter Series.
E. L. James is some writer. I am a visual reader, I see what I read and I somehow put faces to the characters.
Well, these books were a visual delight and there are no pictures, honest. I'll tell you this, though, I needed many cold showers.
The main male character is Christian Grey and although he is only 28 in the book, he was GTC in my vision.
There has been talk of making it into a film, but I think that even in these very decadent times, there is not way to do it justice, it is just too, too erotic, dirty and sexual. Even porn is not this good. It really is lipsmacking good. Totally a sex feast. I want to go back and read it again. Maybe I will, more slowly this time, savor it more. Kinda glad there's no man in my life, don't know how one could equal CG.

(sigh) (sigh) (sigh.

nice
but
I read at first
it was not love
but
SM only

right?