General chit chat for February

I CANNOT see George with a plump upper lip (unless one of us socks him in the mouth!!). That would take away everything that he is!

hahah, funny melber!

George looks just fine the way he is, but I bet there are plenty
of volunteers (including me) sock that upper lip

SERENITY

Just before the funeral services,
The undertaker came up to the very
Elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied, 'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded , 'Hardly worth
Going home, is it?

Reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
About being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

The nice thing about being senile is
You can hide your own Easter eggs.

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass
Surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer
And diabetes.
I'm half blind,
Can't hear anything quieter than a
Jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject
To blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia ..
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 89 or 98.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally
Out of shape,
So I got my doctor's permission to
Join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class
For seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and
Down, and perspired for an hour..
But, by the time I got my leotards on,
The class was over.

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp
As it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same
Noises as your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff in my
Shopping cart says,
"For fast relief"

THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference..

Now, I think you're supposed to share this
With 5 or 6, maybe 10 others.. Oh heck, give
It to a bunch of your friends if you can
Remember who they are!

Always Remember This:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,

You grow old because you stop laughing!!!

HAVE A GREAT 2012

[b][i]I know that most of you can't possibly even imagine this scenario but remember, you'll be there someday, God willing.

yes
we could
who knows?

Perfect PattyGirl, just perfect!!!

patty, ROFL on your jokes. This isn't as funny but it's a sign I posTed above my desk for years:

A Prayer for the Stressed.
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off.

And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow.

And help me to remember.....
When I'm having a really bad day, and it seems that people are trying to piss me off, that it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend my middle finger and tell them to bite me! AMEN

LOL!

Not sure if they're true adverts....but funny anyway !



These are classified ads, which were actually placed
in U.K. Newspapers:



FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.

8 years old,

Hateful little bastard.

Bites!

****************************************

FREE PUPPIES

1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

*****************************************

FREE PUPPIES.

Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.

Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

*******************************************

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.

Also 1 gay bull for sale.
*************************************

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!

Must sell washer and dryer £100.

**********************************************

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .

Worn once by mistake........Call Stephanie.

***************************************

**** And the WINNER is... ****


FOR SALE BY OWNER.

Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.

Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.

No longer needed, got married and wife knows everything.

***************************************

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! the last one is priceless!!!!

How do you feel about tattoos? I have, up until just recently, always felt rather disgusted by the whole concept. As I said, until just recently. In August(at my 75th BD party), I met my granddaughter, Jeni's boyfriend. He is the lovliest, most thought provoking, and at first glance the most "disgustingly" tattooed person that I have personally ever met. Tattoos everywhere. He is charming, funny and a big tease. Let me lead into that one - He is a Master Tattoo artist and travels all over to "take care" of his clients. He has tattood many celebrities - wouldn't say who and I didn't press. Lives in the Mobile, AL area with my granddaughter and they travel a lot.
Was here for Christmas and "casually" mentioned George's name and of course, I was right on it. Asked of he knew him, he grinned and then admitted that he didn't(also admitted he did it because he knew I'd take the bait). That was really mean and I told him so and laughed at getting caught.
After they got home to AL, they sent me a thank you card for the gift I gave them and he put a little note in it. "When I meet George, I'll be sure to give him your phone number. Love Sean". I'll get even someday.
Anyway, he is very talented and I'm glad that I know him. If anyone wants to look at his work, his facebook page, SEAN HERMAN, has an album of some of his works. He also has a website: http://seanherman.com/. He really does amazing work.

PG, I understand what you are saying, why would you scar yourself? Talk to my 20 something children for their point of view. It's an art, a way to express yourself! IMO yes it is both,but I would love to see my kids scar free!

me too!

anyway
those guys
after finished all the space?!

Pattygirl, I don't personally have the desire for tattoos but I have seen some amazing ones, like works of art. I have no problem with them if they are well done. To me they look tacky and trashy if they are half-assed done.

That was too funny that he played the George card, Patty.

Sean has a lovely face, pattygirl and warm eyes.

Mel and MGK - Put down those drinks!!

I have to state ahead of time - This Was Never My Husband!

RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris ,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris , are
listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'

One of the clerks passed out.

If you don't send this to 12 of your dearest friends, you will be depriving them of some good humor.

shocking!!!

Thank you VERY much for the warning PattyGirl! You know me SO well!!! Did you know it's really hard to type while you're giggling????

poor RETIRED HUSBAND!

I guess a bit would have been more entertaining

Not in the store... they would have been kicked out a lot earlier!

Thanks, Patty!

Usually happens when the wife is bending over the chest freezers !

Didn't know where else to pop this good news.


http://www.etonline.com/news/118785_Robert_Downey_Jr_Baby_News/index.html


ET confirms that Robert Downey Jr. and his wife Susan have welcomed a baby boy into the world.

The Iron Man and Sherlock Holmes star's son Exton Elias Downey was born at 7:24 a.m. on Tuesday, Feb. 7 -- 20 inches long and weighing in at 7 lbs., 5 oz.

Downey Had His 'Heart Set' on 'Sherlock' Scenes in Drag

According to People.com, a friend of the couple says, "Everyone is healthy and they couldn't be happier."

Exton Elias joins big brother Indio, 18, Robert's son from his previous marriage. Congratulations!

Wow... Congratulations Downey family! Sounds like a healthy baby boy! I love that baby smell!

me too

Congratulazioni! I'm happy for daddy and mom

A joke for Einstein to tell his mates from the Rescue Centre
while they all sit down to dinner together ?


DOG FOR SALE


A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale .' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.

The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.

"Yes," the Labrador replies.

After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story."


The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.

"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years".

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.

I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."

The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

"Ten quid," the owner says.

"£10!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

"Because he's lying through his teeth.
He's never been out of the garden."

Joanna wrote:I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired.

Hi Joanna, now there's a phrase you don't hear very often. Thanks for the funny dog joke.

Most likely Einstein's been neutered ????
Glad the joke amused you too.

I'm going to be at my daughter's house for the next few days, kid and dog sitting and I'm going to have to fight them tooth and nail to get to the computer. But I'll fight them to the end. After all, can't do without my George-fix. LOL

cindigirl wrote:I'm going to be at my daughter's house for the next few days, kid and dog sitting and I'm going to have to fight them tooth and nail to get to the computer. But I'll fight them to the end. After all, can't do without my George-fix. LOL

Oh but you must...and fight dirty if needs must
or
Send them to bed early with bribe ??

Good luck cindi

A 54 year old woman had
a heart attack and was taken to the hospital..

While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time here up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months
and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth!
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she
might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed
by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded,
"I thought you said I had another 43 years?
Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied: "I didn't recognize you dear."

OK, then I'll pull a George trick and pay them in cash.

CindiGirl, I hope you get to watch it!

File this under the: You just can't make this shit up file...

I get to work early today because we had some meetings that I had to check the set up on before they started.

After I check I go to our cafeteria to get some breakfast and see a friend who I don't work with but who belongs to one of the clubs that I belong to.

He says hi and asks how it's going.

I said, "Oh, I had just an awful day yesterday."

And he says, "I doubt it was worse than mine, I had a really bad day."

So for the next few back and forths we keep trying to convince the other that of who had to worse day.

So then my friend, Jim, says to me, "No, listen, here's what happened to me!"

"I was in the men's room yesterday afternoon and one of my co-workers was also in there."

"As we left Mike turns to me and says, 'Jim, who was in the disabled stall with high heels on?'"

My first thought was, "Oh, oh, someone went into the wrong restroom" which has happened because the placement of the restrooms on one side of our building is men on left, women's restroom on right but on the other side it's reversed so if you normally work on the opposite side of the building and you end up in the side I work on you could walk into the wrong restoom without thinking about it.

So Jim and Mike thought the same thing and waited a couple of minutes and were going to ask one of their female co-workers to go into the men's room to see if the person in the disabled stall was okay, assuming it was a women.

But since they weren't sure Mike convinces Jim to go back into the men's room to check.

Jim says, "I went back into the men's room and saw that the stall door was open so I popped my head in and there was this guy in a red girdle, black fishnet stockings and high heels 'playing with himself'!"

Now you have to understand, Jim is gay and if you can imagine HOW he would say this to me and the inflections he used you'll know why I was started laughing so loud and so long that I almost peed my pants right there in the cafeteria!

He then goes on to say, "So I walked out and the next thing I know they called security."

"The security guy goes into the restroom and comes out shaking his head and gets on the radio to call backup." (We work in a secure building where you have to use badges to get into the doors and elevators and we have a large security force many of whom are ex-police officers).

Anyway, Jim then says, "Well you know I made sure to look at his face so I could identify him and after a couple of minutes the guy comes out of the restroom in regular clothes (I guess he changed back into this work clothes) and starts walking across the bridge to your side of the building."

"I decided to follow him to see where he sat since I didn't recognize him so as I'm walking over the bridge, Jim continues, "I see my VP and the IT VP on the bridge."

"As I pass them I hear the IT VP say, 'Oh god, I hope it's not one of my employees!' so Jim says, "I pointed in front of me toward the guy that had just passed them and she says, 'Oh shit, he is one of mine!'"

So Jim goes on to say, "As the guy gets to the end of the bridge a bunch of security officers come up to him and escort him to the elevator."

"Last thing I hear they cleared out his desk in about 10 minutes!"

By this time I'm laughing so much that we're starting to draw strange looks from the other people in the cafeteria.

But I finally caught my breath and said, "Ok Jim, you win, you DID have a worse day than I did!"

Needless to say, this was THE talk of the day at work today. This story swept through the halls like wildfire.

Someone asked me later, "Why would he have done that with the stall open?" And I said, "Well either deep down he wanted to get caught or maybe he was looking for a date!"

I used to work with a guy who would go to the mens room and chant while he masturbated....their was a vent and you could hear him in the ladies. We all used to laugh whenever he went to the bathroom he could never work out why. True story.

Wow...my working days were never like that... What fun !

Thanks everybody for the great videos. I'm at my daughter's house watching the kids and dogs while she and husband are off on a skiing trip. Just want to mention, I thought I was brain dead in the morning but watching the three of them coming downstairs like zombies to go to school at 7:00 a.m. was like watching a scene from Night of the Living Dead, making me look like a ray of sunshine. And believe me I'm not even close to sunny in the morning. LOL

Wow 7 am that is early. Is it normal for them to start that early? It wouldn't work over here no one would show up.

Yes Dex, a school near my home classes start at 7am for kids kinder-4th grade.

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."

Did You Know This About Leather Dresses?

Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally!?

Ever wonder why?
It's because she smells like a new truck.

Has anyone seen Katiedot post today?

I think she's celebrating her birthday which is tomorrow.

melbert wrote:I think she's celebrating her birthday which is tomorrow.

Do you know if she went on holiday to do this?

Don't know Lorna. I'm sure she'll share! We'll just have to celebrate without her!!! We'll send her the bar tab!!

melbert - thanks. Hope she did go away!

Why Teachers Go Gray

These are reported to be actual test answers from various schools in the Huntsville, Alabama metropolitan area:

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized?
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.

Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs.

the vacuum cleaner one is....... AMAZING! LOL!

I'd suggest we all go in the kitchen and have a shot of to-kill-you in celebration of Dear Katiedot and let's pass the tab onto her significant other, or how about her boss!

Sounds good but I don't have to-kill-you in my kitchen.

Happy Valentine's Day everyone. I was reading on the Victoria's Secret forum and saw a video about their first love. One of the gorgeous models said her first love was George Clooney in ER. See, these models have fine taste. Here's the video.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ye4jT-PS59k&feature=player_embedded