General chit chat for February

cindigirl wrote:Hi Joanna - vacuum belt and bag Valentine gift, that sounds like a somewhat typical husband to wife gift. LOL

I heard a funny car commercial on the radio this morning - Another reason to buy a new car:
"you know your car is old and ugly when your dog is too embarrassed to hang his head out the window."

I LOVE that car sales pitch ! I'll have to send it on to my car dealer. Thanks cindi.

I'm glad you liked it Joanna. It made me laugh when I heard it first thing this morning. And it takes a lot to make me laugh in the morning when I'm usually a growling bear. LOL

"growling bear" ??

Sorry, no pics but picture a mother bear defending her babies, multiply that by 2 and that's me making my way to my coffee pot.

You sound like my sister. I'm one of those annoying happy people in the morning everyone hides when they hear my sister coming even me. No one dares speaks till she has sat and started sipping her coffee. No eye contact allowed.....

Dex, you sound like my daughter. She's a morning person. Ten minutes after she gets up she's mopping the kitchen floor. Sometimes I doubt if she really is mine, but of course she is, I was there when she was born. LOL

PattyGirl - I gave you another "+" for reminding me of the way it was...

Explaining why I had so many "computer issues" when I first got on COH:

Laws of Computing

* When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

* When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

* The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.

* When the going gets tough, upgrade.

* For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

* To err is human . . . To blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.

* If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.

* A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked perfectly.

* The number one cause of computer problems? Computer solutions offered by family members.

And if I may add - The best line I have heard when trying to explain to new computer users why something is happening that you don't understand is:

"I think you have a problem with the interface between the chair and the keyboard."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*

Q: Where can single men over the age of 60 find younger women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore, under Fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going
through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When done, you have a place to live.

Q: How can I increase the heart rate of my over-60 year-old mate?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can I avoid that terrible curse of unsightly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow's feet and
all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

Q: Why should 60-plus people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems
with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem,
Retrieving it is the problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year
olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember all these!"


SMILE, You've still got your
sense of humor, RIGHT?

Joanna they're really good.
I'll keep them and when my friends and me reach 60, we'll laugh at them, I know we will ! Laughing makes you feel good and young

I had a little book of funny quotes from famous people for mine.
I'll have to see if I can find it !

Warning by Jenny Joseph

When I am an old woman I shall wear purple
With a red hat which doesn't go, and doesn't suit me.

And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves
And satin sandals, and say "we've no money for butter."

I shall sit down on the pavement when I'm tired
And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells
And run my stick along the public railings
And make up for the sobriety of my youth.

I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
And pick the flowers in other people's gardens.
And learn to spit.

You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat.
And eat three pounds of sausages at a go
Or only bread and pickle for a week.
And hoard pens and pencils and beermats
and things in boxes.

But now we must have clothes that keep us dry
And pay our rent and not swear in the street.
And set a good example for the children.

We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.

But maybe I ought to practice a little now?

So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised
When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple.

what is this?
some kind of a poem?

Jenny Joseph...an English poet.
Her best-known poem Warning was voted the Nations's Favorite Poem in a BBC poll in 1996 and is anthologized worldwide.

Joanna wrote:Warning by Jenny Joseph

When I am an old woman I shall wear purple
With a red hat which doesn't go, and doesn't suit me.

And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves
And satin sandals, and say "we've no money for butter."

I shall sit down on the pavement when I'm tired
And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells
And run my stick along the public railings
And make up for the sobriety of my youth.

I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
And pick the flowers in other people's gardens.
And learn to spit.

You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat.
And eat three pounds of sausages at a go
Or only bread and pickle for a week.
And hoard pens and pencils and beermats
and things in boxes.

But now we must have clothes that keep us dry
And pay our rent and not swear in the street.
And set a good example for the children.

We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.

But maybe I ought to practice a little now?

So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised
When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple.

So funny... I should've read this before I changed my Avatar HAHAHAHAHAH
Beautiful poem Joanna, thanks for sharing...

So, I wear purple NOW! But, I don't have a red hat YET!

Heat's 101 Hottest Hunks 2012: Top 25

1 David Beckham
2 Ryan Gosling
3 Ryan Reynolds
4 Bradley Cooper
5 Jake Gyllenhaal
6 Robert Pattinson
7 Tom Hardy
8 Johnny Depp
9 Hugh Jackman
10 Zac Efron
11 George Clooney
12 Harry Judd
13 Gary Barlow
14 Adam Levine
15 Gerard Butler
16 James Franco
17 Taylor Lautner
18 Harry Styles
19 Brad Pitt
20 Orlando Bloom
21 Justin Timberlake
22 Olly Murs
23 Ian Somerhalder
24 Michael Fassbender
25 Tinie Tempah

The full list, will appear in this week's issue of heat on sale Tuesday 31 January.
The heat website will be running Hunks Week, www.heatworld.com/101hunksfrom 1-101featuring content including a video of the judging process, a list of 20 Hot New Faces, and a variety of features such as 'Had it, Lost it, Got it back!' throughout the week.

melbert wrote:So, I wear purple NOW! But, I don't have a red hat YET!

Yes and me. Have done for years.
Someone once asked me "did I know what Freud said about wearing purple ?"
I never did find out. Anyone know ?

Joanna, I don't know about Freud's theory but we all know what wearing purple means. LOL

Oh go on then ?????
I must be so ignorant.

Here we used to say "Red Hat...No Knickers"
I wore a red hat for my after wedding "going away" outfit
in the 50's

11 ?
bravo!

where are those new pics JO?
has anyone the right link???
thanks

btw the hollywood reporter is really pushing G's film....

Joanna wrote:Oh go on then ?????
I must be so ignorant.

Here we used to say "Red Hat...No Knickers"
I wore a red hat for my after wedding "going away" outfit
in the 50's

A SHORT... BUT BEAUTIFUL LOVE STORY

A man and a woman who had never met before,
but who were both married to other people,
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am,
I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied, 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married'

'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied, 'Get your own damned blanket.'

After a moment of silence, he farted.













The End.

When you have an

"I-Hate-My-Job" day


Try this out:

Stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase
a rectal thermometer made by
Johnson & Johnson.

[Be very sure you get this brand.]

When you get home, lock your
doors, draw the curtains and
disconnect the phone so
you will not be disturbed.


Change into very comfortable
clothing and sit in your favorite
chair. Open the package and
remove the thermometer.

Now, carefully place it on a table
or a surface so that it will not
become chipped or broken

Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from
the box and read it carefully.

You will notice that in small
print there is this statement:


"Every Rectal Thermometer
made by Johnson & Johnson
is personally tested

and then sanitized."

Now, close your eyes and repeat
out loud five times,

' I am so glad
I do not work in the thermometer
quality control department at
Johnson & Johnson.'






REMEMBER,
THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE
WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A
PAIN IN THE BUTT THAN YOURS.



if you haven't got a smile on your face
and laughter in your heart...

Maybe you should go and work
for Johnson and Johnson !


Enjoy life now - It has an expiration date.

LOL Wow my dad DID work for Johnson & Johnson...that explains alot!

Hi patty, I love the J&J joke. And I thought my job was a pain in the butt. lol

Enjoy life now - It has an expiration date.


nice
the best way to start a day....

Thought for Thursday

A neurotic is the person who builds a castle in the air.
A psychotic is the person who lives in it.
And a psychiatrist is the person who collects the rent.

hm
so guess I'm a neurotic kind

Great thought

Joanna wrote:
Thought for Thursday

A neurotic is the person who builds a castle in the air.
A psychotic is the person who lives in it.
And a psychiatrist is the person who collects the rent.

ROFL Joanna. Another thought

A psychotic thinks 2 and 2 is 3
A neurotic knows 2 and 2 is 4 but it makes him nervous

Happy IVGLDSW Day!

Today is International Very Good Looking, Damn Smart Woman's Day, so please send this message to someone you think fits this description.
Please do not send it back to me as I have already received it from a Very Good Looking, Damn Smart Woman!

To the Girls in Open House !!


Inside every older person is a younger person -- wondering what
the hell happened.
~ Cora Harvey Armstrong ~

Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out.
But I can usually shut her up with cookies.
~ Unknown~

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
~ Helen Hayes (at 73)~

I refuse to think of them as chin hair.
I think of them as stray eyebrows.
~ Janette Barber~

Old age ain't no place for sissies.
~Bette Davis~

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
So true!!
~ Caryn Leschen ~

If you can't be a good example ~ then you'll just have
to be a horrible warning.
~Catherine~

Send this to five bright women you know and make their day.

When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt
and call George over!

Good one cindi

and Joanna - YOU are the president of the IVGLDSW club!!

Oh my word melbert...

cindigirl wrote:Joanna, I don't know about Freud's theory but we all know what wearing purple means. LOL

Please tell me cindigirl, what does it mean?

Yes come on cindi....do tell....pleeeeese.

OK, now you're putting me on! Do I reeally have to say it?

Well, in my neck of the woods if a man wears purple it's taken as a sign that he's gay. NOT that there's anything wrong with that. Also if he's wearing an earring in his right ear, same sign.

cindigirl wrote:OK, now you're putting me on! Do I reeally have to say it?

Well, in my neck of the woods if a man wears purple it's taken as a sign that he's gay. NOT that there's anything wrong with that. Also if he's wearing an earring in his right ear, same sign.

Hahahaha...really? Thanks for your reply but I've never heard of it before!

Not sure if you have heard this before:


An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving
home from the city one night and,
of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over.
" So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite
a few to drink this evening."
" I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"D id you know," says the cop, standing straight and
folding his arms across his chest,
that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

What if he wears an earring in both ears ?

nice silly!!

Guess what? My hubby came home on Sat. he had to go back to work before the New Year. So it's great to have him home again! MGK, You know what I'm talkin about? We have been married for 30+ years and I'm happy to have him home.

cindigirl wrote:OK, now you're putting me on! Do I reeally have to say it?

Well, in my neck of the woods if a man wears purple it's taken as a sign that he's gay. NOT that there's anything wrong with that. Also if he's wearing an earring in his right ear, same sign.

Oh cindi...you've outed me now !
Yes, I come clean, I'm a fella

lucy wrote:Guess what? My hubby came home on Sat. he had to go back to work before the New Year. So it's great to have him home again! MGK, You know what I'm talkin about? We have been married for 30+ years and I'm happy to have him home.

Lucky, lucky lucy. Enjoy !

Hope you had a memorable Valentine's Day then.

Friday Paddy Jokes

Happy Weekend Everyone !


Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.

"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.

Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".

Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.

It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".

Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out
how to pick the thing up.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her
Contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.

"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---


Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.

A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.

Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.

Cop says "For f***s sake Paddy, that's your air freshener
swinging about!"

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.

His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"

He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.

"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.

"Here Boy" he replies.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging
by his feet.

"What the hell you doing?" he asks.

"Hangin’ meself" Paddy replies.

"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.

"I tried dat" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".

.. ……………….

An American tourist asks an Irish dive master: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be
in the boat now wouldn't they?."

silly girl wrote:Has anyone heard from Katie? I know it is her birthday week but it has been awhile since I have seen a post by her....even when she is away she seems to be able to skim the board a bit...hope all is well...

I'm baaaack! I had the most amazing holiday ever. I was doing jungle safaris and elephant riding and hot air ballooning and all sorts of fun stuff that meant I was nowhere near a computer for the whole time.

Katiedot wrote:

silly girl wrote:Has anyone heard from Katie? I know it is her birthday week but it has been awhile since I have seen a post by her....even when she is away she seems to be able to skim the board a bit...hope all is well...

I'm baaaack! I had the most amazing holiday ever. I was doing jungle safaris and elephant riding and hot air ballooning and all sorts of fun stuff that meant I was nowhere near a computer for the whole time.

Sounds good Katie
Back to work for a rest now ??

Thanks silly girl and joana for the funny jokes.