Imagined Celebrity Connections: How Did Brad Pitt, Stacy Keibler, and Sandra Bullock React to George Clooney’s Engagement?

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Imagined Celebrity Connections: How Did Brad Pitt, Stacy Keibler, and Sandra Bullock React to George Clooney’s Engagement?

In addition, Matt Damon works on a prank, and Gwyneth Paltrow and Cameron Diaz text about George and Amal.

Each week, Josh Duboff looks at the biggest celebrity news—and amuses himself by imagining how those celebrities might have reacted.
George Clooney proposes to human-rights lawyer Amal Alamuddin “on bended knee” over a home-cooked meal.
Sandra Bullock sits at her computer drafting an e-mail: “Congrats, George! Can’t say I ever expected this! Especially with a woman over 30 ” She finishes her Diet Coke and then deletes everything except for the “Congrats, George!”
She taps her finger a few times on her desk and then writes, “What great news! Louis and I are drinking champagne in your honor. Louis is a TOTAL lush.” She shakes her head, laughs to herself, and deletes the entire message.
Finally, in a flurry, she writes, “Just saying hi! No reason for e-mailing you this week at all! Wanna grab drinks this weekend? Assume nothing major is going on in your life!” She reads it over, screams, and closes her laptop.

---

Matt Damon’s wife, Luciana, returns home to find Matt chopping up bacon into little pieces in the kitchen.
“Is this for . . . dinner? Babe! That’s so sweet. I can’t remember the last time you prepared—”
Matt looks up. “Oh, no. It’s actually—well, I’m starting on this huge prank I’m gonna pull on George. To get him back, you know, for everything.” Luciana frowns. “I’m going to tell George that I’ll take care of the wedding cake. Why would he expect anything fishy, right? I’m Matt Damon: good-natured, genial, everyone’s best friend Matt Damon. But then! I’m going to have a replica cake made out of paper mache and fill it with bacon bits. So when he cuts it open, there will just be bacon everywhere. And I’m gonna tell him the bacon came from his pig. You remember that giant pig he had as a pet?”
Luciana shakes her head. “His dead pet pig, Matt? You’re going to fill a paper mache cake with bacon bits? And have him cut it open at his wedding? Have you fully thought this—?“ She sighs and walks out of the room. “I’m gonna take a bath.”
He shouts after her: “Luciana, playing a prank on Clooney is like trying to swindle Bernie Madoff! Please respect my process!”

---

Stacy Keibler calls up her assistant. “Hey, can you get me a lunch with Amal Alamuddin?”
“George Clooney’s fiancée?”
“Yeah, is there an issue, Jane?”
“No, no, that’s fine. But . . . I’m just . . . do you think she’ll want to get lunch with you?”
“Why wouldn’t she want to get lunch with me?”
Stacy’s assistant mumbles something incomprehensible.
“I want to give her the lay of the land, tell her what I learned dating George, give her advice, you know? Feel like we should get to know each other. We’re part of the same club now . . .”
There is silence on the line for a few seconds.
“You’re not gonna . . . hurt her or anything, are you?”
“Are you serious? I should fire you for saying that.”
“You were a wrestler!”
“I’m not going to put Amal Alamuddin in a sleeper hold, Jane.” Stacy pauses. “Though I'd like to see her try and defend herself against me if I did.” Stacy clears her throat. “Jane, Jane, this phone call never happened. Is that clear?”

---

Gwyneth Paltrow texts Cameron Diaz: u see clooney news?
Cameron: yah. You know I’ve always thought of myself as the female clooney, right?
Cameron: now that he’s getting married, it’s like . . . maybe I should do it 2?
Cameron: I’m feeling a LOT right now. I just ate like 5 kale chips. I’m spiraling gwyn.
Gwyneth: well u know how I feel about marriage right now LOL
Gwyneth: I think u r fine. Who would you marry anyway?
Cameron: IDK, I’d find some gaffer or director or whatever.
Gwyneth: marry chris!! Hahahaha . . . maybe that will get him to stop texting me and sending me weird mp3s
Cameron: he’s still doing that?
Gwyneth: oh yeah. Last night I got one titled “My aching heart droops (when a man loves a goop)”

---

Justin Theroux slams the door behind him, and tosses his motorcycle helmet in the closet. Jennifer Aniston is flipping through In Style on the couch in the living room.
Justin sits down and takes off his leather gloves. “Is everything O.K.?” he asks. “Ever since George got engaged, I feel like you’ve been a little . . . anxious.”
“No, I’m great. Swell. I feel totally normal.”
“Swell, Jen?” He turns on the television. “Jen, we can do it whenever you want. Let’s get married tomorrow. I’m all for it.”
“This isn’t like a trip to Whole Foods, Justin. It’s a marriage. Despite what the tabloids of the world might believe, I am in no rush.”
Justin stands up. “Um, O.K. I’m gonna go get a beer. Do you want . . . one of those gluten-free popsicle things?”
Justin leaves the room before hearing her answer. Jennifer picks up her phone and texts Courteney Cox: “sooooo I’m pretty sure north west is gonna get married before I am, court! sangria brunch tomorrow plz?”

---

Brad Pitt turns to Angelina Jolie on a hike. “I’m happy about this, Amal seems great. Really smart. Really accomplished.”
Angelina laughs. “Yeah . . . do you remember when that—I don’t even remember which one it was—I think she was on Dancing with the Stars . . .?”
“Ang—they’ve all been on Dancing with the Stars.”
Angelina cackles. “Well, whichever this one was, it was a few years ago, she just kept telling me, ‘Your hair’s so shiny’ . . . ‘I can’t get over it, your hair is literally glowing’ . . . ‘What do you put in it?!’”
“Yeah, of course I remember. And then you said you hadn’t even washed it in a month and she like passed out.”
“Yep, and then I was sure I saw her holding a few strands of my hair later and putting them in her bag, and I think you said something about it to George and he was like, ‘Oh, yeah, probably, that sounds about right.’”
“I’m really excited. I feel like she’s gonna be the first one that doesn’t gasp when she meets us and say, ‘Mr. & Mrs. Smith is, like, my favorite movie. I watched itall the time in middle school.’”
Brad holds on to Angelina’s arm for support as they weave around some brambles, both giggling.

Okay vanity fair are reading here and taking a leaf out of Way/Missas' posts?

LOL this is funny. I say Way2old4dis and Missa were first, they should complain to that magazine...this is a "copyright" problem  

I feel violated.

I think Way2 and I can do a better job than this. These are kinda lame. What do you say, Way2? A lot easier than coming up with a phone call from Traylor Howard.

You should! You and W2O4D are much, much funnier than this. Although the Brangelina one nearly hit the mark.

The Brange one is pretty good; the middle school line is a nice touch  We could actually do either conversations between celebrities or phone calls to George himself from his friends.  SO many possibilities!  

Sandra Bullock

“Hello?”

“Hi, George!”

“Sandy! Hey, how are you?”

“Good, we’re good. Congratulations! Amal seems lovely.”

“Thanks! She really is.”

“You’re sure, right?”

“About getting married? Yeah, of course.”

“No, I mean...about Amal. That you know her. Like, know her know her.”

“Yes. I think?”

“You have to be sure. Marriage is serious. Do you know her family?”

“Kind of, yeah. We’ve hung out.”

“That’s just the beginning. You need to really dig, George. Ask the important questions: Does she have any hobbies that you don’t know about?”

“Like what?”

“Hypothetically? I don’t know, video games, knitting, secretly collecting Nazi paraphernalia...”

“Oh. Well, she’s Lebanese, so I don’t think I have to worry about the Nazi thing.”

“Neither did I, George. Neither did I. How about her exes? What do you know about them? Is it possible any of them were porn stars? Because that just gets messy.”

“I’m kind of living in a glass house on that one, so...”

“That’s true. Well, Louis says hi, and also wants to remind you not to secretly adopt a chid with Amal unless you’re sure she’s not seeing a heavily tattooed reality show star on the side and planning to dump you right after the pinnacle of your career.”

“...Tell Louis hi back for me.”

“Bye!”

Missa wrote:I feel violated.

I think Way2 and I can do a better job than this.  These are kinda lame.  What do you say, Way2?  A lot easier than coming up with a phone call from Traylor Howard.

Yes they were LAME and someone over there got PAID to write that crap.

You and Way2 did WAAAAY better! HA!

Yes, see the Sandra Bullock one HERE is so much better. Good job Missa!!