Bye, George; Silver and Clooney Call It Quits After 28 Years

Bye, George; Silver and Clooney call it quits after 28 years
Updated 11:53 am, Monday, July 15, 2013

Not to appear freaky or stalkerish, but I have been watching you for nearly three decades. That's right, before most of the women you date were even born, I dutifully tuned in every week to see you as the hunky handyman on "The Facts of Life," and then a few years later as the cute factory boss on "Roseanne." All those episodes and I never held that unfortunate mullet haircut against you.

Then, in 1994, when the rest of womankind discovered you as Dr. Doug Ross on "E.R." I took comfort in the knowledge that I found you first, and I truly believed that you and I would one day be together.

Ok, um, so before we go any further, now would probably be a good time to bring up the fact that yes, I am married. But don't let that dissuade you, because, like many couples, Brian and I have a "celebrity crush" clause written into our marriage contract, meaning that we each get to pick one famous person that, should the opportunity present itself, we'd be allowed to run off with, no strings attached. For Brian, it's Sofia Vergara, the sexy star of "Modern Family," and obviously, I chose you.

Truth be told, it hasn't been easy standing on the sidelines while you serial-dated your way through every young woman in Tinsel Town. However, I decided long ago to bite my tongue and let you have your fun, because I know how off-putting clingy women can be.

Over the years, I kept careful track of my competition, and though admittedly annoyed, I was never overly-worried, because their shelf lives were so short. Let's see, there was that cocktail waitress, the spokesmodel (what does that mean, anyway?), and of course, the expected assortment of actresses, each and every one of them drop-dead gorgeous and nearly young enough to be your (OK, our) daughters.

And I often wondered, what's wrong with you, George? When will you finally come to your senses and see that love can be even better with a mature (i.e. middle-aged) housewife from Connecticut? So what if she comes with baggage (under her eyes, on her hips...and in the form of a husband and two kids)?

Then, in 2011, in a disturbing turn of events, you broke your usual "love `em and leave `em" routine and took up with a stunning leggy blond wrestler. And unlike the others, this one stuck around. Two entire awards seasons came and went and there she was by your side on the red carpet the entire time, even offering good-natured giggles when reporters from "Entertainment Tonight" and "Inside Edition" started making playful jokes about a potential engagement.

I began to get seriously concerned when pictures of the two of you boating around Lake Como began surfacing in "People," followed by images of you spending Christmas together in Cabo with your respective families by your sides. All signs seemed to indicate that she might actually be The One, and perhaps it was high time that I come to my senses and throw in the towel. But then, I remembered the words of the late great ball player/philosopher Yogi Berra, "It ain't over `til it's over." So I picked up my towel...and headed to the gym...

...where I was rewarded by snagging one of the few elliptical trainers that had its own personal TV, which I automatically set to "GMA" (my favorite host's name is George, too!). And there on the news crawler on the bottom of the screen, alongside updates on the revolution in Egypt, deadly wildfires in Arizona, and the tragic plane crash in San Francisco, streamed the headline I've been waiting for, "Clooney and Keibler call it quits after two years!" Good Morning America, indeed.

A while later on the drive home from the gym, the combination of the endorphins released from my workout coupled with the natural high from the happy "George is free again!" news kicked my normally vivid imagination into extreme overdrive, and I allowed myself to contemplate random details of our future...

Should I take your last name, or would it be better to hyphenate (thereby making it easier for ex-cheerleaders from high school to find me on Facebook)? ... What should I wear to your next movie premiere, the ruched Nicole Miller from my nephew's Bar Mitzvah, or perhaps your stylist could snag me a fresh-from-the-runway frock? ... And do you think if you gave my sons their own Ferraris, that they'd forgive me for leaving their father?

Minutes later, I pull into the driveway while humming the theme song to "The Facts of Life" (you take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have the facts of life...), steeling myself to break our recently-changed "facts of life" to my old family.

I open the door and there in the kitchen is my (current) husband whipping egg whites for our omelets with one hand and offering me a mug of freshly brewed coffee with the other. A just- picked bouquet of flowers from the garden added a pretty pop of color to the table that he had already set.

This is all lovely of course, but what really gets me is his wide genuine smile, because it tells me that despite the fact that I'm wearing no under eye concealer, my hair is a frizzy mess, and I'm stinky and gross from the gym, in his eyes I'm the most beautiful woman in the on earth. More so than all of the cocktail waitresses, spokesmodels, actresses and wrestlers combined. And I it occurs to me, who needs you when the man of my dreams has been right here in front of me the whole time?

So go ahead. Feel free to start up a new relationship with a next young starlet, Hooters waitress, flight attendant or Real Housewife for all I care.

Bye, George...after 28 years I am happy to say that I'm finally over you.

Layla Ann Silver is a freelance writer who in real life, has never (seriously) considered swapping out her husband for George Clooney, though she certainly wouldn't mind trading her modest house in Norwalk for his estate on Lake Como. She can be reached at [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.].

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George must be devastated;) 

Great writer, interesting read, humourous.

Funny indeed, sweet woman

great story  

Nailed it.

Very funny!

Bye, George...after 28 years I am happy to say that I'm finally over you.

Oh yes that's ver funny....

Should I take your last name, or would it be better to hyphenate (thereby making it easier for ex-cheerleaders from high school to find me on Facebook)?

 

I liked that she was honest, cause yes though I have my dignity, you'd better believe Id be changing my facebook status (to dating George Clooney) quicker than he could say, sign on the dotted line......

Carla97 wrote:George must be devastated;) 

this comment cracked me up!