The Ex-Girlfriends 'Congratulate' George

From Elisabetta:

"George."

"Oh. Hey. Hi. Guess you heard."

"Did I heard? How can I not heard?"

"I was going to call you."

"When? When were you going to call me? Last time I talked to you, you were standing behind a mover and -- "

"Betta. You can't still be mad about that."

(Very rapid Italianglish) "Tell me this. One time, one time I say in a magazine that you were a marrying man. All of a sudden, it's not working for us. I said the truth. You are marrying this woman. I gave myself to you two years. Her, you marry after a few dates. I want you apologize."

"Okay, I didn't quite get all of that-- you know how bad my Italian is -- but it sounds like you're hurt. I never meant that. I never do. It just always happens. I'd like to think you could be happy for me. I certainly want that for you."

"If you wanted that for me, I would be Mrs. George Clooney, just like I said in the magazine." (Muffled cries)

"Betta, I have to go. Thanks for calling."

(Sniffling) "I guess I should congratulate you."

"Thanks. It means a lot to me."

"George?"

"Yes?"

"Don't have children. It would break my heart."


From Monika J:

"Hello?"

"Hi, baby. It's me."

"Monika?! How are you calling me? I blocked your number."

"Come on, Boo. You know how it is between us. You will never be away from me."

"Look, I'm getting married. I love Amal. I'm not that guy any more."

"This is me, Boo. I know what you love, and I know what guy you are. You'll be back."

"No. I'm settling down. What we had was fun, but that's all over."

"Remember the last time, Boo? At your house? The papers say you were smitten with her then. But we still had fun, didn't we?"

"Didn't you get Stan's message? He called the rumors about you 'crap.' That came straight from me. "

"Oh, George. I've been called so much worse. I know men, and I know you. You will not give up the Croatian Sensation for the Lebanese Legalese. I'll be waiting."

"Can't you at least wish me well?"

"Maybe when you make it down the aisle. Not to the altar. Back out the door afterwards."

"Don't ever call me again."


From Sarah Larson

"Hi. Just calling to say 'congrats.' I'm really happy you found someone you want to be with so much. And for so long. And after such a short time."

"Uh, Sarah...?"

"Oh, yeah. Congratulations. Listen, she's a lawyer, right? Do you think she'd handle my disability case for me? My foot still hurts, and I'm on my feet all day."

(Long pause) "She's not that kind of lawyer."

"Oh. I read she's an international attorney. So she can do anything."

"That's not what that means."

"Oh. Well... Listen, I heard about the thing with Wynn. Next time you're in Vegas, just stop by. I can comp you a table. I'll even send you some online coupons."

"Uhhh, thanks, Sarah, that's sweet."

"And give Amal my best wishes. Like she needs them, her being so perfect and all."

"Do I sense a tone? I sensed a tone."

"Why in the world would there be a tone, George? Hope everything works out for you. Or her. Or both of you."

"Yeah, um, thanks...?


From Talia Balsam

"George? I was the first pancake. Don't fuck up another one."

"Wow, hey, how are you? So good to hear from you. I'm touched. Really. Listen, Tal---"

"That's all. Too late to get talkative with me now." (Dial tone)

Elisabetta
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Monika
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Sarah
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Talia
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Oh my gosh, way to old for dis, what a hoot! You have me laughing!

Love it!

"How can I not heard?"

  

those were great! Gotta add Lisa, the on-again-off-again-for-five-years girl!

Krista Allen

"Hello?"

"Hi, George!"

"Who is this?"

"It's Krista! Long time no see."

"Who?"

"Krista. Allen."

"Sorry, not ringing any bells."

"We dated? For a while, actually?"

"Nope, still nothing."

"Really? You don't remember that time you took Stan to the Oscars and made me wait at the after party for you?"

"Crystal, you say?"

"KRISTA!!! I STARRED IN YOUR HBO SHOW ABOUT ACTORS! WE DATED! THERE ARE PICTURES!!!"

"You know, I had this terrible head injury, memory is shot..."

"ARGH!" (slams phone down)

Way2Old and Missa - These are soooo funny! And probably really, really close to the real thing, IF they ever happened. Thank you both for the first real laugh I've had in a week!        

Laughing all the way and all day -thanks ladies

Thanks, all. Just lightening the mood.

And, great one, Missa :-)

This just turned out to be one of the best threads presently in the forum

Genius!

Come on Way/Missa there are so many many many more to cover!! No pressure of course.

Love love love it

LMFAO!

Way2Old4Dis wrote:Thanks, all. Just lightening the mood.

And, great one, Missa :-)

Okay now you ladies only have 30 - 40 to go depending on what web-site you check ou.

From Talia Balsam

"George? I was the first pancake. Don't fuck up another one."


I love this one...I was the first pancake.  Cracks me up.

Way2Old - that was genius.  

Way2.....BRAVA!!!! BRILLIANT...You should be writing for a living, if you aren't already.

This is the first one, from the Stacy thread, after LizzyNY wondered if SK-P had called to congratulate GC. So she gave me the idea.

"Hey! Hi! Is it true? ... Oh, so, um, congratulations! That's great. That's really great. Great."

"Listen, I really cared about..."

"No, I know. When it's right, it's right. Right? I mean, look at me. Married to tech entrepreneur Jared Pobre in a surprise intimate ceremony in Mexico attended by both our families."

"Stace, I'm glad you're happy."

"Happy doesn't begin to describe it. Did you know we began dating after we'd been friends for five years?"

"Yeah, I read that."

"And now we're having a baby. Because of all the sex."

"So,um, thanks for calling. And good luck with Grocery Gangbusters."

"Supermarket Superstars. Best wishes to you and Amy."

"Amal. It's Amal."

"Whatever. Tell her good luck."

"What's that mean?"

Click.

Although I couldn't get some laughing points there as my lack of western dating culture but I still enjoy this. Keep on writing them!

Okay, Way2, how do you want to split the rest of them up? Odds and evens? We might have to take leaves of absence from our day jobs to cover them all...

Kelly Preston

“Hello?”

(whispering) “George?”

“...Yes?”

“Hi, it’s Kelly.”

“Hey, Kel!  So nice to hear from - “

“Ssshhhh!!! Please lower your voice.”

“Okay.  Why are you whispering?”

“I’m not really allowed to make unapproved phone calls to suppressives.”

“To...what now?”

“Suppressive persons. You know, non-Scientologists?”

“Oh, yeah, forgot you were into that.  So, I guess I’ll let you go then - “

“NO! No..I mean, I wanted to congratulate you!  I thought we moved fast buying a house together after only dating for a month, but marriage...Good for you.”

“Yeah, she’s a great girl.  I’m really hap-”

“I think there’s something wrong with John.  He’s always getting these weird massages, from men, and now he’s growing this teeny tiny goatee thing on his bottom lip.  It’s kind of gross, actually -”

“Yeah, Kelly, I don’t think I can help you with that.”

“So, no chance we could, maybe, you know, rekindle things?”

“None.  I’m taken.”

“Maybe we could just-”  (to someone else) “What?  I’m just on the phone.  Who am I talking to?  Um, Tom Cruise?”  (to George) “Uh, George, I’ve gotta go.  This never happened.”  

Click

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Sarah Talley

Somebody please do Sarah Talley!

I recognize the name, but cannot for the life of me remember anything about her. This thread has me googling minor George Clooney girlfriends in my office in the middle of a workday! Wait, she was the one who was CLEARLY a stripper, right?

Yup, that's the one: [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]

I need to stop reading this thread at work. People are starting to stare at me.

And She's British!

DONE!  Who needs to do work today?  Not me!

Sarah Talley

“Hello?”

“Stonehenge.”

“....Hello?”

“Stonehenge.”

“I don’t...”

“STONEHENGE! JESUS!”

“I don’t understand what is happening right now.”

“It’s Sarah.”

“Look, I already told you, Amal can’t help you sue for your bad foot..”

“NO!  Sarah TALLEY.  I’m not that ridiculous cocktail waitress.  I’m an exotic dancer.”

“Ooookaaay.  Hi, Sarah.” (to Grant) “Who the hell is Sarah Talley?” (Grant shrugs.)

“Are you making her scrambled eggs too?  That’s what you cooked her isn’t it?  The night you proposed?  SCRAMBLED EGGS ARE OUR THING!”

“What are you talking about?!?” (to Grant) “Am I having a stroke right now?”  (Grant shrugs)

“Remember that time when we watched Dreamgirls and Borat and then you made me feel like a real woman?”

“First of all, no.  Second of all, gross.”

“Remember that time when I visited you on the Leatherheads set and - “

“I try not to remember Leatherheads at all, so - “

“SCRAMBLED EGGS! CUDDLES! REAL WOMAN! YOU HAVE PERFECT FEET FOR A MAN!”

“Okay!  You take care now!”  (to Gio)  “We’ve got a situation."

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I'm crying, I'm crying! People think something is wrong. I'm trying so hard not to laugh out loud that I'm crying instead.

I've got to go just peed my pants! No seriously! bwahahahahaha

I'm giggling all by myself in my office, so maybe we'll be locked up together, Lorna

That was so funny! Although, I liked Leatherheads!

If we ever vote on what is our favourite thread, this must won hands down!

I have to admit this was pretty awesome. We just need more. We could do one for Lisa Snowden, Kimberly Russell, Celine Belitran, etc. They could take different tones but be equally as funny. Come on Ladies, bring out your funny bones and make us laugh.

Oh WOW I'm late to the funny party LOL

Way2old4dis & Missa...you guys are so funny.....I'm so happy right now...

Oh yes ktsue Please can somebody do Celine Belitran .....This time french accent hehehe

This thread is great  

love it, please keep them coming - can we do a poll for the best one?

Turns out Celine has quite a mouth on her...

Celine Balitran

“Hello?”

“Bonjour, mon cheri!”

“Oh, jeez. You too, huh?”

“Don’t sound so excited, darling. I heard the joyous news and wanted to wish you bon chance.”

“Uh-huh. That’s all?”

“Of course.”

“Really?”

“Well, now that you bring it up, I mean, three years. Three years, and I couldn’t get a ring out of you?”

“You got a million dollars, a house, and a visa. I’d say you did alright.”

“I was going to be a lawyer. I left law school for you. I left a CONTINENT for you.”

“I know. And we had a good time. I really did care about you, I was just so busy then, doing ER and movies at the same time. It would never have worked.”

“Seven months. Seven months, and she’s gotten to see Tanzania, the Seychelles, Como, Cabo. You know what I got to see?”

“No...”

“Batman. I saw Batman, George. DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES I HAD TO SEE BATMAN AND M*****F*****G ROBIN?!?! Screening after screening after screening.”

“I’m sorry about that -”

“I swear, that godforsaken movie opened in every city in the world, and we had to be there to WATCH IT.”

“It was a big movie. We had to go -”

“If I so much as hear the words “poison ivy”, I have post-traumatic stress.”

“Honestly? Me too.”

“I EARNED that ring, mon cheri. All the others that came after? Amateurs. That wrestling chick complaining on a red carpet about having to watch The Descendants multiple times? Boo-f*****g-hoo, b****h.”

“Okay, you’re getting upset, and this conversation isn’t really productive. So I’ll just thank you for calling, and wish you well.”

“Don’t you hang up on -”

Click

(To Grant) “Seriously, why didn’t one of you lock me up?”

               

THANK YOU

Oh the Batman part was funny  

OMFG, those are funny!

I don't know any of the old GFs. I'll have to go through their threads to figure out something appropriate.

These are absolutely hysterical

How about Mariella Frostrup, who is in a circle with Amal (from this article)
"In London, the college friend says, her (Amal's) favorite restaurant is Lebanese eatery Layalina in the posh (also very Arabic) Knightsbridge section. Her social circles tend to involve other lawyers, including Doughty Street Chambers founder Geoffrey Robertson and Jason McCue, a human-rights barrister who is married to Mariella Frostrup, a former party girl and current radio host who was linked to Clooney years ago. Fun foursome."

Cant wait to see what you do with this



(original article from here: [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.] )

Missa Missa Missa that Sarah Talley - gold, priceless. Made my 7.00am wake up call on Saturday more than worth it -
Re Kelly Preston, I scrolled very slowly down the screen as I was expecting you to end that conversation with "We shared a pig"" and then I most definitely would have had a seizure.

Im now going to check this thread religiously for the next week x

Carole Radziwill

"Hello, dear. How are you?"

"Carole...? Is that you?"

"You remember. I'm touched. (Whispers, away from phone: "Is this on?")

"What? What's that whirring sound?"

"Oh, nothing. The blender. I'm a real housewife, you know. Listen, George, I'm just calling to give you my best wishes." ("Testing, one, two.")

"Well, that's very nice of you, Carole... is there beeping on your end?"

"Pay no attention to that. Now, where were we? Oh, yes. This is May 2, 2014, and I'm Carole Radziwill on the phone with George Clooney to congratulate him on his upcoming nuptials on... did you set a date yet, George?"

"Are you recording me, Carole?"

"Of course not, darling. You're paranoid just because I'm writing a new book, Sex in a Hot Flash. Now can you please speak more clearly, directly into the mic -- I mean, phone?"

"I'm not fodder for your next book."

"You think so little of me, George. I was the most discreet of them all, wasn't I?"

"Yeah, I guess you were."

"I take it as a compliment that you chose Amal."

"And why is that?"

"She's a version of me. A younger, darker, more educated, more exotic, wealthier, prettier, skinnier, accomplished, connected version of me, Carole Radziwill, with whom it has been acknowledged you had a sexual relationship. I'm sure you see it, too."

(Mumbles)

"I didn't get that, George. Can you please repeat, more clearly this time?"

"I'm done here, Carole. I have people waiting."

"Who would that be? Amal's family? A cyberterrorist, maybe? Last names first, please, and if you could do it that military way with the alphas and Charlies and Victors, that would be great."

"I knew there was a reason I never took you out in public."

"No love lost, dear. I didn't exactly shout it from the rooftops myself. Good luck, George. Think of me when... you know."

LMAO - (forget all the other threads Im staying here)

HAR HAR HAR me too theminis...me too

This is great Way2old4dis thanks for the laugh 

                

Way/Missa
Special request - pretty please do Renee Zellwegger

Teri Hatcher, Traylor Howard, Brook Langdon, Kim Russell

LOL Way2old4dis and Missa I assume you have nothing planed this weekend and devote your time for us  

Renee Zellwegger

(Sobbing at other end of phone)

"Hello? Is anyone there?"

(More crying)

"Oh, hi, Renee."

(Controlled sniffling)

"Why can't I find anyone, George? Everyone has someone but me. Now even you're getting married. You were my fallback, George. You and me at fifty."

"Renee, that was a joke."

"No takesy-backsies."

"Is this why you called? 'Cause I'm a little busy, and --"

"Well, I'm busy, too, George. Do you know how tiring it is to be Bridget Fucking Jones twice in 10 years? Do you know what that takes?"

"No, can't say I do."

"A lot. And to do it alone... (crying)... I just never thought I'd have to make this call."

"Unsquint, Renee. You always calm down so much better when you relax your face."

"Thank you, George. You know me so well. Amal is marrying the sweetest, kindest, most generous and gentlemanly guy on the face of the earth."

"Renee, I have to go. The doctor's here, and he says my blood glucose just shot through the roof. But you hang in there, okay? I love you, kid."

(Brightens) "Oh, George! Really? You do? You do, don't you? You always did. I knew it! Now, how do we handle --"

"I clearly did not think that through. I love my friends, Renee. You're a great friend. Amal is a different kind of love. We went over this. Remember?"

"Yes. Yes, I think I do..." (Begins sobbing again)

"Unsquint, Renee. Unsquint."

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I'm not going to sleep tonight....it is getting better and better...

Oh Thank you Way - You Complete Me

I'll do Kimberly Russell next, but my tablet won't stay connected/logged in, so it'll be much later.

Glad everyone's enjoying it. Chime in!

Can't wait to wake up tomorrow and read it