The Perfect Storm - the alternative script

From The editing room

By Rod | Aug 27th, 2000 | 2 Comments and 0 Reactions | Movie:

FADE IN:

EXT. DOCK

A boat pulls in. Extremely happy, victorious music blares in the background.

GEORGE CLOONEY
Har! We are back, and we have FISH! We are wonderful Americans, and we have brought you fish! Thanks to us, rich people in New York will be able to enjoy minimalist meals at outrageous prices! Look at my smartass grin!

MARK WAHLBERG
I am finally home. It is hard to be a fisherman, especially when I love my stock character woman, what’s-her-face.

MARK’S WOMAN
I love you. To prove this, I will proceed to kick your ass a bit.

EVIL BOSS
I have no sympathy for your blue collar problems! Catch more fish or I will strip of you of the boat, which you use as an extension of your manhood.

GEORGE CLOONEY
I don’t want to fish, but I can’t allow myself to accept that I am no longer the fisherman I once was. Mark, crew, let’s go back out into the water.

JOHN C. REILLY
Aye captain. Let me first acknowledge a vague, undefined rivalry between me and a random character.

WILLIAM FICHTNER
I hate you for some unexplained reason. I hope you die.

They armwrestle a little bit and then get involved in a urination contest.

MARK WAHLBERG
I have to go fish some more such that we can live happier lives. I sure hope my undying love for you and my devotion to you do not mean that I will die in a dramatic and silly manner.

MARK’S WOMAN
(slapping him)

I love you. Come back alive.

GEORGE CLOONEY
Ok folks, lets go back out and catch some fish to rescue my quickly deflating ego.

MARK WAHLBERG
What a valiant cause for which we may die.

GEORGE CLOONEY
Hey, there’s fish, too. Don’t forget we fight for America’s ability to eat fish.

JOHN C. REILLY
And if that’s not enough, please notice the dramatic and valiant-sounding music swelling in the background.

EXT. THE OCEAN

Everyone is fishing. They don’t catch many.

GEORGE CLOONEY
I feel like shit.

They catch more.

GEORGE CLOONEY
Hooray!

SOME WOMAN WHO KNOWS GEORGE
(over radio)

George? I’d be fucking you right now if I didn’t have a shred more of a dimension to my character than, oh, say, Mark Wahlberg’s woman. Anyway, there’s a storm brewing.

INT. WEATHER CENTER

CHRISTOPHER MCDONALD
I’ve been practicing my one line all day. Here goes: Oh my god, they’re heading right into… the perfect storm!

(pause)

Shit, my career just died.

INT. BOAT ON THE OCEAN

GEORGE CLOONEY
My ego is getting a little better but there seem to be a lot of negative omens.

MARK WAHLBERG
George. The crew is getting pretty down.

JOHN C. REILLY
We just want to go home, George.

GEORGE CLOONEY
(nearly shouting over swelling dramatic music)

Oh? Well I’m a fisherman. I came here to do the only thing God put me on this earth to do: fish. I’m a real man, I’m not afraid of anything and I came out here to catch some god damn fish. If you have a problem with that, well you can all just fucking leave.

MARK WAHLBERG
Er, wait, isn’t that we just asked for?

GEORGE CLOONEY
Shut up, our boat is tipping.

Waves crash against the boat and nearly kill people. JOHN C. REILLY and WILLIAM FICHTNER kiss and make up.

GEORGE CLOONEY
There are a lot of waves.

EXT. OTHER PART OF THE OCEAN

SOME RANDOM SAILING PERSON
We are in part of the perfect storm. We are totally unrelated to the plot except to give the director something to cut to when we’ve gotten enough screen time with Clooney and his crew.

Suddenly, some rescue people in helicopters try to save them. They FAIL. Then they try something else and FAIL. Eventually they SUCCEED.

INT. BOAT ON THE OCEAN

GEORGE CLOONEY
I think we’re going to die.

MARK WAHLBERG
At least we will die valiantly.

FISHERMAN OF A MINORITY CAST ONLY TO HAVE MORE PEOPLE ON THE BOAT BUT WHO OTHERWISE SERVES NO PURPOSE
What are you talking about? For one thing, it’s just a bunch of fucking fish. For another, we acted almost entirely out of self interest. The only one who acted semi-valiantly here is Mark, and even he did what he did for the sake of him and his woman, which is mostly self interest anyway. George got us all killed because his dick is so small that he needs a boat to act on behalf of his pride and everyone else just wanted some money and didn’t want to be replaced.

He is thrown overboard.

The boat then surfs up the wave featured on the posters and in the trailer yet it is not at all impressive.

Everyone DIES except Mark.

MARK WAHLBERG
(floating in the ocean)

There’s only love. Only love. Please notice the absurd music in the background. Don’t hate the heavy handed direction, there’s only love here.

He DIES too.

INT. FUNERAL

SOME WOMAN WHO KNEW GEORGE
These were great fishermen. Next time you order fish, think of the men that died.

FUNERAL PATRON
How about I just order chicken instead and not give a shit about a bunch of fisherman that died needlessly?

MARK’S WOMAN
Sometimes I hear Mark talking to me.. he tells me there is only love. There’s only love. Only love

AUDIENCE
Ow! What the hell? Why does my ass suddenly hurt so much? Oh, I see, Hollywood is fucking me in it right now.

HOLLYWOOD
Sorry about that, you weren’t supposed to notice.

END

PigLove wrote:Okay, I loved that movie, but had to admit that the screenplay was a little overwrought. Like, "You're in the mouth of the monster! You're in the belly of the beast! You're in the alley of alliteration!"